I haven’t written anything since 2/15.
It’s not because I’ve given up on writing…it’s just because I don’t really have anything good to say, and what good is that, to anyone? We go through times in our lives of struggle…of deserts and valleys, and occasionally, of caves, and they’re not the times we want to share with anyone. On Facebook and Twitter, in status-length blurbs, anyone can seem positive and upbeat. But when you write upwards of 5,000 words, cracks begin to appear, and your true feelings start oozing out.
And that’s where I am.
I’m not in a funk; I’m just in a place of questioning my worth and my value. There’s no point in talking to someone if you’re not heard, and right now, I’m screaming at brick walls. I’m hoarse. I listened to a message lately where someone was crying out to God, face-planting on a keyboard, begging Him, “Don’t leave me here!!!!”
That’s where I am: “God, don’t leave me here! Don’t abandon your Bride.”
It’s an echoing sentiment in my life.
So, yeah, I guess I am in a funk. You won’t see it, if you see me at church or out-&-about…you may not even see if if we’re in deep conversation, because I am wrestling. I’m wrestling with doubt, with motivation, with direction, with abandonment, with the constant feeling of being ignored, and with the frustration of chasing my own tail in trying to be heard.
I’ve said that twice now, in this piece–“trying to be heard.”
One way or another, I’ll be on the other side of this, soon enough. Breakthrough has to happen (breaking through WHAT, though, is the question). I’m not giving up on that. There’s not an end in sight, but I know God is faithful, and I know there is hope in there, somewhere.
Until then, I’ll hang out in my cave, waiting for the storm, the thunder, and the lightning to pass…I’ll be out when the peace passes by.
**Edit: A friend posted this link on Facebook shortly after I wrote this today. I felt like I had to listen to it….It was worth stopping everything to hear….