cory asbury

Job 38 & The #CosmicClapBack

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I have to say, there are like, 15 drafts in my blog log that I can’t seem to finish because I have SO much to say, and not-quite-the-right words to say it. Since my last post, a new year has began; my son has become a teenager; and I’ve begun a double-focused deep-dive into the Old Testament. On one hand, I’m studying a book by Michael Rood called The Chronological Gospels: The Life and 70-Week Ministry of the Messiah. I highly recommend it for a brain scramble; what I thought would be a two-week study now appears to be at least a year, if not longer, by both written and visual studies. Right now, I have more things to think about than I could possibly post, but I’m sure I’ll write about it at some point. I’m also going through The One Year Chronological Bible as published by Tyndale House (NLT).

I’ve discovered that when you listen to a book, you get an entirely different interpretation of it as opposed to reading it. There are so many nuances I’m picking up; it’s really mind-blowing. I really feel like I’ve spent the last 5 years first unraveling–as opposed to “deconstructing”–various doctrinal and theological teachings, and rebuilding said concepts with gentle correction & a much better focus on loving Jesus and loving people (my mission statement is just that: Love Jesus. Love People. That’s the Mission.). What that looks like when wrapped up in erroneous theology is NOT the same as it’s looking now, and I love that God has given me the grace and time to relearn things in a new perspective (soooo much to learn). I also love that He’s surrounded me with friends, family, and church leadership that support and help me navigate this stuff, because it’s a LOT.

To give you some context as to why this is smoking my brain quite so much, most of you know I grew up in the church & I spent my entire education, including my Bachelor’s, in Christian schools. Reading the Bible has always been a huge struggle for me; a few years ago, a missionary friend prayed that I would develop a genuine “love” for the Bible. Another prayed that I would become a “lover of the Word instead of just a lover of words,” and those words have stayed with me. Over the last few years, it’s slowly-but-surely bloomed in my heart, & in this year in particular, it’s kind of a raging fire.

I’ve read the Bible out-of-order, in-order, in the original languages (vicariously), via commentary, as a textbook, you name it–it’s been foundational my entire life but this time? This time it’s exploding & I feel like it’s finally in full, living color. I get so excited about it–I used to tell an old boyfriend “my” versions of Bible stories & he always loved it because he said I made it “real.” That’s what I feel like for myself with the audio Bible & the studies I’m doing! It’s so vibrant, and that carries over when I discuss it with my son. I’ve started playing it for him when I take him to school, & then talking about it with him. I hope he puts it in his memory bank & that he eventually develops even more of a love for it…that would be the best thing ever.

I’ve never really looked at the Book of Job the way I’m looking at it right now. In fact, it’s always been kind of a sore spot for me, because he lived such an incomparable life. Who can say they’re blameless like he was?!? I mean, the guy made burnt sacrifices after every single feast for EACH ONE OF HIS KIDS in case they sinned and didn’t realize it! That’s some dedication! BRO HAD 10 KIDS!!!!!!!! You know how hard that had to be to do?!?!?! Not to mention, how expensive?!?!?!? I’d be like, put that kid in a bubble so he can’t make any mistakes and save me a few bucks!!!

Job loses everything (except his wife. Ever think about that?!? She’s all like, “curse God and die!” and he’s like, “Nope. Gonna go sit outside the city in the ashes and cry for a while. Peace out.” And I guess she stayed at home and mourned the loss of her family/status, etc. on her own? Um, Job? Can I just say I’ve been in her shoes, kinda, and my husband basically said the same thing? She just lost her 10 children, can we cut her some slack?!?!?!?!? Nope. That’s pretty much all she’s known for at this point. Sheesh.).

His 3 friends come and sit outside the city with him in the ashes while he mourns for 7 ENTIRE DAYS in silence. SILENCE! Nobody talks until after Job’s first speech and then they like, blow it. Bless their hearts–after Hannah died, I started to remind myself that people (especially Christians) have “the best of intentions and the worst of execution,” and Job’s friends hit that mark. They think they’re helping him by trying to convict him of whatever “secret sin” he must have had to deserve such “judgement” while he defends his integrity. They don’t have any other frame of reference for why someone would go through such a hard time–why else would someone who outwardly loved God so publicly, go through such a heartache? We always want to find a reason that matches our processing, but we serve a God that doesn’t have to bow to our line of thinking. He isn’t required to make sense for us, and Job’s friends don’t quite have that figured out. But bless ’em, they tried. He maintains his innocence, Elihu speaks, and then BOOM. Job 38.

“Who is this that questions my wisdom
    with such ignorant words?
Brace yourself like a man,
    because I have some questions for you,
    and you must answer them.” (Job 38 1-3)

If I could have jumped up and yelled, I would have (I was driving. Bad idea.). God waited 38 chapters to REMIND JOB WHO HE IS!!!!! HE SAID THAT. #CosmicClapback

Y’all, I nearly wrecked my dang car. “BRACE YOURSELF LIKE A MAN.” What is happening?!?!?!? Man-oh-man, if the Lord tells you to brace yourself, you’d better grab the zip ties, the handcuffs, the duct tape, some velcro, and a couple of ropes, because whatever the next sentence is, you’re gonna get knocked the heck back like the cow at the 36-second mark!.

Ever wonder what Job’s posture was when God spoke? What the 3 friends (+Elihu) were doing? Did everyone just fall out? Hit the deck? Roll over and show their bellies?!?!?!?!? Did the sky split open, or maybe the ground?!?!? Like, what was going on while He was speaking?!?!?! And who wrote it all down?!?!?!?!?

Who says God isn’t occasionally sarcastic?!? You can really play with intonation in the Bible and this chapter is a great example. We weren’t there. Ever wonder what His tone was? This is a total, “Who do you think you are?!?” kind of moment and in my brain, He’s thundering like a mom that’s just plain DONE with her child’s mouth.

This chapter is so, so beautiful (as so many are), and I know I could break down every chapter the same. For some reason, this one really struck me to the point that I had to blog about it. The way He lays down Who He Is and what He does, and what He’s done, is poetic and strong, factual without shaming. He’s not telling Job that he sucks, or that he’s a failure. He’s not beating him up. He’s not ignoring him or smiting him, or cutting him down to size with cruelty.

He’s telling him why He can be trusted.

Job 38 paints a stunning picture of the God of Creation. It makes me get emotional. I don’t know who wrote Job, but props to that writer because the mental pictures they painted are jaw-dropping. “What supports its (the earth’s) foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?” (Job 38:6) Just….wow…This is the One Who put the stars in the sky. We can trust Him with our hearts, in however many pieces they may be in.

We look at God like we’ve forgotten that to have the fear of the Lord doesn’t mean that we live like an abused child cowering in fear of being struck. It means that we remember Who He Is, and God IS Love (I John 4:7-8)! I struggle with this as a default, because in spite of as many verses in the Bible that reiterate the loving character of our Father, I tend to hyperfocus on the negative interpretations of Him that were pounded into my head…the judgy, religious, Pharisaical interpretations of an angry God that just can’t wait to flatten us into the depths….We look at the Old Testament like it’s the Home of the God Who Smites and the New Testament like it’s the Fountain of Grace, but we forget that God doesn’t change. He’s the same-Hebrews 13:8 says that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and forever,” so is it crazy to remember that the same God Who split the ground open and swallowed a rebellion for the sake of His beloved is the same God Who sacrificed His Son to give us the gifts of restoration and reunion with Him for eternity?

That’s bananas.

When Cory Asbury sang about the “Reckless Love” of God, this is the kind of stuff I think about. I think about the presumed dichotomy of the painted Old Testament figure verses the loving Jesus of the New Testament. I think about the actual truth, that this incredible, omniscient, omnipresent, omni______________Father Who created this entire earth loves us for who we are. He loves us where we are, wherever we are in our pursuit of Him, whether it’s me getting academically twisted and theologically sidelined, or Lecrae wrestling with deconstruction (and coming back stronger), or my pastor sitting in a room with me, helping me untangle and refocus. He loves us enough that He doesn’t look at us and turn up His nose at our questioning. He welcomes it!

And He never, ever leaves us in the process.

Spoiler Alert: The Book of Job ends with total restoration…

After Job is confronted/reminded by God, he puts himself in the correct position of taking a few steps back and recognizing that he HAD indeed sinned…he forgot that yep, God knows what He’s doing. God never tells him all of this was a test that we know of. Job has to trust Him through all of it. He realizes his place in all of this, and puts his trust in God where it belongs. Natalie Grant sings in the song, “Held,” that “who told us we’d be rescued? What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares?” In my own walk through grieving, I realized that like Job, I spent more time grieving my losses and blaming God than in trusting in His will and realizing that He doesn’t owe us any explanations. That’s literally what faith is–accepting the unknown because you believe in what you cannot understand.

Job’s beautiful transparency in how he grieves his losses publicly, without shame; how he openly speaks to the Lord about his questions and his broken heart; and how he still remains strong enough to defend his own integrity when everyone else is accusing him; exists so that we in our own grief and loss see an example of how we should respond when “bad” things happen to “good” people. We grieve…we mourn. We get angry. We feel betrayed, but we don’t walk away (sometimes we’re just on the ground for a while, paralyzed), and eventually, in our healing process, we learn to trust in His ways above our own understanding. Job’s journey is a vibrant reflection of the very power of God over our own individual crises & upheavals, and how such a powerful God still speaks to us in the midst of it all. He REMAINS and He LOVES.

The three friends? God tells them that they’re boneheads and they’d better let Job pray for them–and that Job BETTER pray for them–and then everything Job lost is restored and then some. He’s restored and reconciled with his family, his friends, and his city, and his life ends in blessing on blessing (and Elihu, strangely enough, and Job’s wife, aren’t mentioned again. Hmm). We don’t know the ins-and-outs of how it all shook out, but we know that the conclusion of the story is a beautiful life.

Listening to the Bible verses reading it, for me, seems to bring out so much personality and individual application; the book of Job in particular resonates with me in an entirely new way. There are just so many new things that I’m hearing, & it’s coming alive, so I’d encourage you to give it a try! I’m guilty of thinking there’s “only one way” to do certain things, so I’m glad I’ve branched out over the last few years to give different ways of learning a chance. As it turns out, it’s revelatory, and it’s helping prayers come to fruition that were prayed over me years ago.

In this crazy world of upheaval, please look at Job as a man who went through chaos and destruction, learned the very character of God in a new way, and saw healing and restoration. His friends tried to help with the right hearts but the wrong answers–that happens so often! The same God that allowed Job to go through such trials and testing loves you and doesn’t always give you an answer for why times are challenging….but He DOES give you a refuge. He welcomes your questions, your tears, and your grieving. He wants to hear your heart; He’s big enough to hold it. We’re not guaranteed answers or even physical restoration on this earth, but we know we’ll get both in eternity. It’s worth the pursuit of Him and the humbling of ourselves, even when we don’t understand. He’s worth our faith, and He deems us worthy of His love through Jesus. He truly is our “peace that passes all understanding,” regardless of the season we are in… and He never leaves us or forsakes us.

That’s a beautiful verse whether you’re hearing it or reading it. 🙂

Note: I guess people that actually write had better start adding a disclaimer. No AI was used in the composition, idea, editing or writing of this piece. Welcome to the hamster wheel of my brain on virtual paper, free of robots, AI, and occasionally, spell-check. 🙂

“What if I Stumble?” AKA, “But I DID…”

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

“What if I stumble; what if I fall?

What if I lose my step & I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue if the walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble…and what if I fall?”

–DCTalk, “What if I Stumble,” 1997-ish

 

 I grew up in a home that banned “secular” music. I still remember when my mom threw out my “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” cassette tape (I cried). I mean, c’mon—I cut my teeth on The Gatlin Brothers, Linda Ronstadt, Madonna (True Blue was THE BUSINESS, for real), Cyndi Lauper, you name it. But when my mom married my stepdad, it came with a recommitment to the Lord & our household got purged. My sister kept her “stash” hidden—Guns & Roses were intertwined with Stryper when she’d play drums, & she made sure I had exposure to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Def Leppard, Styx, and a plethora of rock artists. It was somewhere around this time that little country-girl Cassidy realized that I. LOVE. RAP. MUSIC. I found artists like DC Talk, ETW, Michael Peace, T-Bone, Gritz, Stephen Wiley—my mom had a FIT, but I found my people. I’d dance & try to rap (I still do, DJC2 in the hizz-owse, yeah, boyeeee!); I loved it. I tried to keep up with the lyrics & as a wannabe-writer, marveled at how these artists could turn a phrase.

DC Talk is unequivocally my favorite Christian band (& probably my favorite band of all time. I’m not embarrassed to say that). Kevin Maxwell Smith was my teenage crush (“Jen, pause the video right THERE—his eyes!!!! Sigh!!!!!”; Michael Tait was who I learned to sing gospel riffs from; and Toby McKeehan was the coolest guy I’d never met.

I’ve never had the opportunity to see DC Talk in concert…and it looks like I never will (although I’ve seen TobyMac)…when Michael Tait was announced to be the leader of another group I loved, the Newsboys, I was stoked. Kevin took on Audio Adrenaline, Toby was solo and being amazing—I grew up with these guys in my ears, and it was awesome to see them move forward with their faith in such focus.

When John James left the Newsboys, there were allegations of inappropriate behaviors. I still loved their music, & I still listen to Take Me to Your Leader, Shine, & all of their albums (“Breakfast” is a favorite song. It’s totally frickin’ creative!). I’ve seen them in concert a few times (I actually got to sing, “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes with Duncan Phillips back in the day while I was helping them set up their stage—the perks of going to a “mega” church!) & their high-energy shows were phenomenal. The members picked up the reins, the shows went on, & their ability to perform & reach out to millions continued…

But I think, as The Doors’ said, “this is the end, my only friend.”

Allegations regarding inappropriate sexual behaviors and drug use have come out from The Roys Report (which is generally pretty reputable) concerning Michael Tait. Although he’s most definitely not the first lead singer of a Christian band that’s had allegations made against them (and we as a society are taught that someone is “innocent until proven guilty”) at some point, those accusations have teeth. Michael published a confession of his truth (I’m sure it’s not complete but it’s more than I’ve seen 99% of others who have “fallen from grace”) & has admitted to inappropriate behaviors.

I feel like the confession is just the tip of the iceberg, not only for Tait’s behaviors, but for the Christian music industry as a whole.

I’ve now sat through 2 congregations in my 47 years that have fallen apart due to the sexual inappropriateness of their leaders, and 2 major global ministries that have fallen apart from it (& that’s just the ones that directly affected me). The foothold that the enemy has regarding sexual misconduct in ministries is massive, & the Church is about to, as the kids say, “F.A.F.O.” (I shouldn’t use that acronym but it’s happening. People are fooling around and getting found out. If you are doing this, you. Will. Be. Found. Out. Period. The days of getting away with sexual abuse and power plays in the Church are OVER).

I have so many issues and complications with the Michael Tait case…part of me feels like if he could just be authentic with who he is and what he is struggling with, and if the Church could provide him with a truly safe place to love Jesus from where he is or who he is, then the abuse of power would have never taken place. If he’s gay (he admits to “touching men in an unwanted sensual way”), if he’s straight, if he’s struggling with purity, LOVE HIM and give him a place to heal in authenticity. The Holy Spirit brings loving conviction, not condemnation, and that’s Who we go to in our broken struggles…but the Church has forgotten that they’re supposed to be the hospital for the broken. We only want to look at what’s shiny & pretty on Sunday mornings…we don’t want to see each other in our darkest places, in our struggles and wounds…

 If the Church treated people like they were a place where we could all fall further in love with a God Who is continually making us in His image, we would have the corner on the identity crisis in the world.

Controversial Statement #1: SEXUALITY IS NOT IDENTITY.

This may seem like a pivot off-topic, but I think it’s a foundational argument that if the Church would have been a safe place for Michael Tait to express the sexual struggles he was having, I don’t think these abuses of power would have ever happened. The Church’s persecution of the LGBTQIA+ community is misguided at best, and criminal at worst. Bobby Berk from Queer Eye comes to mind as an example I’ve heard 100x over: The church kicked me out. WHAT?!?

We are created in the image of a God Whose Word says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” My identity isn’t in who I am attracted to or in my gender. These things are a part of my physical identity, but they are not my identity in whole. My identity is in who Jesus is making me to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & physically (Matthew 6). Hayley Williams from Paramore said in response to this story that “Being gay is not the problem.” I agree with her. Sexual “identity” issues are not the problem, but finding the root of what’s going on? That’s the problem. The abuse of power? That’s the problem. The secrets, the coercion? That’s the problem. Non-consensual activities? That’s the problem. The sexual issues & substance abuses are the consequences of a whole lot of hidden issues & secrets that Tait himself admits to…when you’re carrying the weight of all of that? Alone? Couple that with actual conviction (he knew he was on a downward spiral but at some point, he was trapped)…You’re going to crumble.

I realize this opens the door for a LOT of discussions, but I think the bottom line is that the Church Jesus talks about isn’t some gilded temple of perfection. We’re a house of broken people who want to love Jesus more & who find healing, grace, and restoration in Him and only through Him. If someone can’t be open about the sexual or identity issues they’re working through in the Church of all places, then what are we doing?!? WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Jesus says to “come to Me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest”—Matthew 11:28-30.  His House should be a place where we lay our burdens & our struggles at His feet…anything less is unacceptable. We should never feel “trapped” in our sins as we walk with God, because He promises us rest in Him and FREEDOM when we give those things over to Him. If we can’t bring our burdens to God’s people & find them to be an extension of His hands & feet? We’re not doing our jobs, Church.

CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT #2:  Sexual identity struggles are not any greater or lesser than any other “issue” anyone else is struggling with. Loving people to Jesus and providing them with a house of healing by meeting them where they are, puts us all on a level playing field and prevents an inequity of position that we were never supposed to have in the first place. This does NOT mean we condone practicing immorality as defined by Scripture (I say that because I 100% do not condone predatory, abusive or non-consensual behaviors—there is no place for such in the Church).  I want to say the Church should be a safe place for someone to express that they are struggling with temptation, questions, or sexual identity issues. The struggle isn’t a sin. Acting on it and the intention behind those actions are where you have to make a judgment call with the Holy Spirit. This is a call for transparency in the Church, and a call for us to be a safe place to discuss our real journey. It means we have the courage to correct, counsel, and hold accountable those who are struggling (rather than ignoring it or blacklisting people). We offer resources & an oasis of Hope. If people continue to make choices that are antithetical to the Word as a Code of Conduct, then we move forward with scriptural discipline…but we don’t banish people. We don’t kick them out or stop loving them.  In fact, scriptural discipline is a loving part of the process, even though it’s painful. I think Michael Tait is going through some of that right now based on what he wrote, if he was being authentic. We give grace to people as they work out their salvation.  Plainly put, we welcome hurting & broken people into our home, our churches, and our lives, because our Jesus is the only Healer & Judge for all of us.

We have all sinned and fallen short—we all need a Savior. We can sit and argue about identity issues until the cows come home, but it doesn’t change the fact that We. Need. Jesus. Why couldn’t Michael Tait come to someone & share that he was struggling? Where were the leaders in his life, the accountability partners? This man and his victims have been failed by every single person who heard a whisper about his actions…by his record label, by his so-called friends, by his bandmates, and by his church. For Cory Asbury to comment that this abuse wasn’t a secret in the CCM (contemporary Christian music) scene is beyond appalling to me—if y’all knew and said nothing, YOU ARE COMPLICIT. You’re just as guilty as the person who committed the acts of abuse.

Controversial Statement #3: WHERE ARE THE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS IN CHRISTIAN MUSIC?!?  In fact, where are the accountability partners, period?!?!? We need community, leadership, and accountability. We have to get past this whole, “go to church on Sunday, that’s my duty, move on” line of crap so many of us have grown up with. If who you are isn’t who you are at church, then you’re at the wrong church, because that’s the ONE PLACE you should be able to be nothing less than 100% authentic.

I truly believe the issues Michael Tait has admitted to and been accused of, could have been avoided with proper accountability and godly counsel. They could have been avoided with embracing him in love and in giving him a place to be transparent.  People were more interested in making money off of the man pretending to be a godly leader than in investing in him, providing him with accountability, and removing him from his position when the fires got too hot. WE FAILED MICHAEL TAIT and a thousand other ministries/ministers of the Gospel because we are cowards as a church. That doesn’t exonerate them. They’re still responsible for their actions before God…but if we’re One Body, aren’t we also responsible for looking away?

I’d like to say that I don’t see how this could have happened, but I’ve seen it over-&-over again. I’ve done it myself—singing on a stage about how great the love of God is, while struggling with suicidal tendencies, sexual immorality, & harboring intense feelings of anger and even hatred without honesty with leadership or counsel. Granted, I was on a much smaller stage, but the principle is the same: I faked it. I played the game. It doesn’t mean my heart wasn’t truly worshipping God or that I didn’t care about the people I was reaching out to; it means that my heart was broken.  I didn’t have any resources in place for how to process my own trauma, & I acted out in secret. I don’t think I learned to live a life of actual authenticity until after I lost my daughter & found myself too broken to fake my way through it anymore (& in the arms of a Church that supported me in love).

I believe there is healing for people who struggle with secret sins, but I believe the first step in that process involves a commitment to authenticity & transparency. When you’re on that big of a platform? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. Michael Tait has lost everything, & the investigation has just begun…others who have walked this path have done the same, & this world doesn’t allow for an easy “comeback.”

Then again, God never called us to “Easy.”

It’s uncomfortable to walk this road….to feel so exposed by being so open to a trusted network of people. It’s uncomfortable to share the broken, rotted pieces of your soul with an unseen God. It’s uncomfortable to believe we are fearfully & wonderfully made in a world that tells us we’re cosmic accidents, validated only by our feelings.

We’re so much more…

It’s impossible to fight the battle of identity or addictions (drugs, sex, whatever) alone. It takes a village, a congregation, a core group—it takes accountability, compassion, and most of all, the love of Jesus. When we get on our own like some kind of pillar, we crumble in the storms of life….and instead of rallying around someone to help them pick up the pieces, as a Church, we tend to light them up like funeral pyre & watch them burn.

We’re not doing it right…

Our “pillars” in the church are falling like dominoes. We’re not giving them the accountability, compassion, and love it takes to be deeply rooted in the truth of Christ, & they’re crumbling in shallow foundations. They’re pouring themselves out until the drought is all-consuming, but then we sit back and wonder, “what happened?”

WE happened.

The very same duties we have to report failures in the church are the same duties we have to help to bring restoration and healing. It doesn’t mean we put people back in the same positions, but it does mean we help them focus on reconciliation & healing in Christ. We gather around them in support & love, and we walk together in transparency & authenticity in who we are as a Body, who we’re called to be.

Authenticity, transparency, and restoration are messy. We’re a messy people that seem to always be trying to look like we’ve got it together, when in fact, we look like a drag queen in a thunderstorm.

We DON’T have it together.

But when we function in grace & humility, knowing who we truly are and loving like Jesus truly loves, He makes us into a beautiful place where His Spirit can truly revive what’s dead, find what’s been lost, and restore what’s been destroyed. That’s what He does—that’s the Great Exchange. And when we seek His Will, there is no fall from grace that He can’t rescue us through.

Michael Tait has publicly called himself a “horrible representative of Christ.” Authentic? Maybe?  We may never know how many actual victims there are, & he may never see on this side of eternity what the consequences of his actions are. One thing I hope he does see and seek, is the truth of Who God made him to be…the forgiveness Jesus offers…and the comfort of a supportive, restoring village or congregation that works with him as he is on this journey of repentance and reflection. There’s a lot of healing for a lot of people that needs to take place, as this is a man with a lot of influence. When you’ve affected that many people and you wipe out so globally, there’s a tidal wave that rolls out.

I’m still going to listen to DCTalk. I’m still going to listen to the Newsboys. Hayley Williams called out the entire CCM industry & said that she hopes it “____ burns.” I don’t share that sentiment, but I get it. I hope the lack of accountability & transparency in CCM burns (& in the Church in general). I hope the desire to make a buck off of artists based on their talent over their ethics burns. I genuinely hope that every single person that knew Tait was abusing people & said NOTHING , faces dire consequences, because they’re complicit. I hope there’s a powder trail from this that leads to an explosion of truth in CCM, & that the abuse ends…

CCM is a huge part of the fabric of my faith. In my 40’s, there’s a great amount of unraveling from the people who spoke certain things over me in my youth, from the principles that those people shared. Broken people are still capable of being used by God, even when they’re in the midst of their shame, and I can’t throw it all out. A pastor that fell from grace still spoke verses of life over me, and those verses were beautiful…he might suck, but the Word holds. We can’t throw it all out, and that’s the beauty of grace. Grace teaches us to separate the fallible from the Perfect, and that’s what sticks, so yeah—I’m still going to sing the songs when my Amazon station plays them.

I truly hope Michael finds restoration…that the victims find healing & forgiveness…and that more than anything, the Church rallies around each of them to be a safe space of transparency, accountability, and growth in Christ….I hope the revelation of these behaviors leads to discussions about how the Church is empowering abusers by turning a blind eye to the tough discussions. I hope it causes us all to step back and reevaluate our “methods” of functioning as one Body (because as it stands, we’re kinda cancerous fam). I hope the Church takes a look at the topic of identity and decides that it’s better to come from a place of Love and Truth, then from judgment…

And I hope more than anything, that the love and grace of Jesus continues to meet each of us where we’re at….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kXJdshVNq0&list=PLy2_hHSlXxiOvFAlVWXR_xgrVtl1Ktlar

 

Music, Worship, & a Little Bit of Chicken Fried

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

And if you know that next line is, “cold beer on a Friday night,” you might be my people. I have a thing for the Zac Brown band.. I can’t help but to appreciate a group of true, honest musicians with REAL talent. I like music with meaning, and I like sounds that can be recreated face-to-face, instead of only in a studio.

Music is my happy place. When I hear a song I like, it feels like someone has recharged my batteries. I can’t identify the feeling, and I can’t tell you what it is about a song that gets my attention. I heard “Almost Human” on the radio this morning, and felt like I could go into war. I blogged about “Reckless Love” the other day, because it completely undid me (and continues to do so, every time I get to sing it). A good, truly well-written and/or well-performed song hits places in the spirit like nothing else.

I’ve sang for as long as I can remember. My mom is one of those harmonizers that you only hear once in a lifetime; I remember singing Gatlin Brothers‘ songs with her while we did dishes, back in the Single Mom Days. If walls could talk, I’m pretty sure my childhood home would sing.

I used to sing in a small group of mediocre people on behalf of our college, on a scholarship team. Yes, I said “mediocre,” as I am also, “mediocre.” None of us were ever going to rise up to be Kelly Clarkson. 😉 We were all comfortable midwest singers who did what we did to get out into various congregations to raise money for our school. We didn’t really have the resources or the training to take it any further. There are certain things about that time in my life that I remember fondly, but most of it is with sadness. Music was a performance on so many levels. I was singing about a Jesus that loved us all, but I felt unlovable and ugly…singing had been a refuge, but at the end, it was more of a prison.  It was a very difficult time in my life; I was very, very good at playing “church,” but my heart was broken.

It wasn’t the fault of anyone that I was singing with; I needed more help than anyone knew how to give, or that I even knew how to ask for. Every day was increasingly difficult, and by the time I graduated from college, everything crumbled. I didn’t want to sing…I didn’t want to worship…and I really didn’t want to do anything.

I was clinically, deeply depressed, but this was 1999, and no one really talked about such things.

Church relationships that I had over the following years fell apart…family relationships struggled…and at some point, I hit the bottom, and I lost my song.

I never turned my back on my relationship with the Lord, through all of it…but you can shut down and hide in a cave, without turning your back on Him. My prayers were a string of unfinished sentences and runaway thoughts, for the longest time…and then, things began to shift…

I can’t remember if it was a book or a song, or a message; I don’t remember. I’d have to dig through some journals to see if it was a catalytic moment that began to pull me back. But gradually, slowly, my heart began to thaw out, and the music began to come back.  Random songs began to pour out…songs about laundry, songs about the walk to work, songs about Jesus, songs about my future husband. I never really wrote any of them down, but they began to rise up like grass in a forgotten pasture. They were there; they never left, even when I shut my eyes and closed my ears.

In 2003 (or was it 2002?), I met my husband. We bonded over a shared love of Caedmon’s Call and Vineyard music that he introduced me to.  We don’t have a whole lot of musical tastes in common (I like rap. No, that is not negated by my opening paragraph. Anyone that can recite in rhythm the amount of lyrics that are in any given rap song is TALENTED. Rap is poetry, and poetry is art). He likes jazz (which I think they play in elevators in Hell), I like Americana; he hates country, and I want to punch Diana Krall. We do have a mutual love of 90’s music, so there’s that–we’ll always have “Holiday,” LOL.  I feel like most of David’s personal music catalog is some kind of cross between Rod Stewart and Norah Jones, with some Melody Gardot thrown in. My musical catalog is something like Chris Stapleton with some Steffany Gretzinger and some Tiffany, crossed with Andy Mineo, Jason Mraz, and some Alanis. It’s a mess. We don’t “fight” over the radio, but we know we can only listen to 3-4 stations together (oldies, soft rock, and K-SHE 95). It’s a beautiful compromise.

I spent a long time with a strained relationship with singing for any reason at all. I really struggled with self-esteem,  with not understanding direction in various musical settings, and with the fact that I am not a musician (there’s a difference between a singer and a musician, just like there’s a difference between someone who can plunk out a melody on a keyboard and a trained pianist). I do not play any instruments, and I can barely read music. I totally can’t read chords (they make no sense to me at all). It makes me feel like I am “less than” the people I am surrounded by.

In the late 2000’s, I joined a worship team led by a man named Chris Clausen, who is just ridiculously talented as a musician, a singer, and a songwriter. He & his wife, Paige, are also incredibly kind and nurturing. Chris has every reason to be an arrogant clod of a man when it comes to music (he is anything but), and I have no idea why in the world he decided to let me be on his team at church, but for a few short years, I was privileged to be a part of his crew. It was a musical education that I hold very close to my heart. More importantly, it was a time of internal healing and recognition. I’d been in such a bad place mentally and spiritually the last time I sang in a group; I had no faith in myself or in any abilities, and I was absolutely petrified. I vividly remember sitting in a classroom in our church at one point, having a near-panic attack just before we had to lead an extended worship set. I was consistently focusing on the wrong things, and it took my time on the Clausen team to work through those issues.

My time on the team was such a great experience for me…to have a teacher who was humble but direct, who recognized abilities that I didn’t know I had, and who had so much patience, was a blessing. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my soul needed that time to remember what music can do in our relationship to the Lord. Music is a method of healing. Music is a method of how God speaks to us, of how He speaks THROUGH us. Music affects us physically, spiritually, and mentally. When we allow ourselves to focus, and to direct our heart and our intentions to Him in worship, He hears it, regardless of how it sounds in our own ears. I think that music opens up our hearts and our brains to receive from Him in ways that words just can’t. Music carries His message like nothing else can.

My husband got the message that it was time for us to move to a different church in 2011 or 2012, and we found ourselves in our current congregation. I think I finally (fearfully) stepped out and asked to join the worship team in 2013 or 2014. It’s a different vibe, but it’s a good thing. Our pastor is a musician (and a beautiful guitarist), and he’s a man that understands that God speaks through music. Worship is something we can do to give back to Him, to tell Him how we love Him; things change in worship that wouldn’t change in any other way. Worship evokes the prophetic, which is so, so important (and which is so totally forgotten in may churches today). God speaks in worship!!!!  God speaks through music!!!  Every note, every trill on a piano, every chord on a guitar, every beat of a drum–it all affects atmospheres in worship! Nothing else does what worship and music can do. There’s a reason why there are so many references to music in God’s Word (over 1,150!). It’s so important to our lives, and is such an important medium to get His message out into the world.

I still deal with anxiety and occasionally, depression. When King Saul was going through his crazy days in the Old Testament, he sent for a harpist to come in to play to calm him down. I get it. I’ve rarely been Saul-Level Crazy, but any time stress or anxiety are an issue, music is the first place I go to refocus. Even if I’m not in a place where I can sing along, just having it play is huge. And singing….There’s something about the physical act of singing that releases endorphins. Like, physically, you just feel better when you sing (Carpool Karaoke, anyone?!?!), not to mention the spiritual ramifications of pouring out your heart in worship. There are times when it feels like the world is somewhere between imploding and exploding. Worship is where you find the balance. Music carries the journey of finding that place of peace.

It’s just so important…worship is so important. As a singer, as just an average, run-of-the-mill, mediocre singer, I know from the depths of my heart that where worship is concerned, there is NOTHING mediocre about a soul that worships Jesus in complete humility and in complete honesty. It’s not the sound–it’s the heart, and hearts united in worship CREATE a sound that moves the heart of God. It’s so amazing, to be a part of a body of believers that come together every week with that one focus. It’s a movement that carries through the rest of the week.

Worship feels like home to me. I’m at a place right now where I am not afraid (which isn’t something I say very often). I’m not afraid of “doing it wrong.” I’m not afraid of embarrassing myself. I’m not afraid of being a mess in a room full of people. They’re family, after all. I know that when I come to that place, whether it’s on the platform or in my regular seat, that I am in a safe place where my King remains. My song–however it sounds–is beautiful to Him, and He hears me. It’s worthy of Him, because He makes it so. Worship is this beautiful whirling fire of incense that rises from our hearts to the very throne of God. He loves our worship, whether we sound like Cory Asbury or Gilbert Gottfried. He hears our hearts, and He LOVES our song.

I told David the other day that worship is the only place where my soul feels completely at peace. When I had my thyroid removed in 2015, I was so scared of the effect on my vocal chords, because I was so scared that I would lose my ability to get to that place…but I didn’t. My voice is different (weaker), but it’s still there, and I am so grateful. Worship is the only place I feel like every worry, every fear, every concern or outside thought, is shut out. It’s the single greatest place of focus that I can know.

Anyone who knows me or who knows how static I naturally am, knows what that means. Peace. True, unadulterated, uninterrupted peace. There’s nothing like it; there’s nothing worth more. It’s the eye of this hurricane called life, and when I’m there, I never want to leave. It’s taken so many years to get to this point, to have a revelation and a revolution in my relationship with music…so many years. I feel like I’m just getting started, and I get so excited when I think about an eternity with Jesus and endless worship. Ridiculous…just amazing….He’s preparing a place for us, with THAT. Crazy.

So, I appreciate music, and I appreciate excellence in music, because I understand Who gave it to us. I know what He gave it to us for…not to be entertained, but to bring it back to Him, for His glory…it’s all for His glory, and it’s unbelievable that He gives us all that gift to be a part of.  There are so many wonderful musicians that are so gifted; even if they don’t know Jesus, they are still part of creating a sound that He can use in ways we don’t understand. People’s hearts identify with the messages in music. It’s why musicians have a responsibility to celebrate goodness and joy with their sound, instead of misogyny and violence.

I love music in so many forms. It all has value, even the stuff I don’t like (jazz…ugh). It all creates movement in the spiritual, so as Christians, we have to be aware of the tug-of-war we’re a part of. Sing freely, especially this season. Worship freely, especially because we live in a country where we still can. “Let everything that has breath (it doesn’t say, “let everything that sounds marginally on-key, LOL, so don’t let that stop you if you “can’t” sing) PRAISE THE LORD!”

Psalm 150

 

1 Praise the Lord.[a]

 

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens.
2 Praise him for his acts of power;
    praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
    praise him with the harp and lyre,
4 praise him with timbrel and dancing,
    praise him with the strings and pipe,
5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,
    praise him with resounding cymbals.

 

6 Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

 

 

 

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