“What if I stumble; what if I fall?
What if I lose my step & I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue if the walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble…and what if I fall?”
–DCTalk, “What if I Stumble,” 1997-ish
I grew up in a home that banned “secular” music. I still remember when my mom threw out my “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” cassette tape (I cried). I mean, c’mon—I cut my teeth on The Gatlin Brothers, Linda Ronstadt, Madonna (True Blue was THE BUSINESS, for real), Cyndi Lauper, you name it. But when my mom married my stepdad, it came with a recommitment to the Lord & our household got purged. My sister kept her “stash” hidden—Guns & Roses were intertwined with Stryper when she’d play drums, & she made sure I had exposure to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Def Leppard, Styx, and a plethora of rock artists. It was somewhere around this time that little country-girl Cassidy realized that I. LOVE. RAP. MUSIC. I found artists like DC Talk, ETW, Michael Peace, T-Bone, Gritz, Stephen Wiley—my mom had a FIT, but I found my people. I’d dance & try to rap (I still do, DJC2 in the hizz-owse, yeah, boyeeee!); I loved it. I tried to keep up with the lyrics & as a wannabe-writer, marveled at how these artists could turn a phrase.
DC Talk is unequivocally my favorite Christian band (& probably my favorite band of all time. I’m not embarrassed to say that). Kevin Maxwell Smith was my teenage crush (“Jen, pause the video right THERE—his eyes!!!! Sigh!!!!!”; Michael Tait was who I learned to sing gospel riffs from; and Toby McKeehan was the coolest guy I’d never met.
I’ve never had the opportunity to see DC Talk in concert…and it looks like I never will (although I’ve seen TobyMac)…when Michael Tait was announced to be the leader of another group I loved, the Newsboys, I was stoked. Kevin took on Audio Adrenaline, Toby was solo and being amazing—I grew up with these guys in my ears, and it was awesome to see them move forward with their faith in such focus.
When John James left the Newsboys, there were allegations of inappropriate behaviors. I still loved their music, & I still listen to Take Me to Your Leader, Shine, & all of their albums (“Breakfast” is a favorite song. It’s totally frickin’ creative!). I’ve seen them in concert a few times (I actually got to sing, “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes with Duncan Phillips back in the day while I was helping them set up their stage—the perks of going to a “mega” church!) & their high-energy shows were phenomenal. The members picked up the reins, the shows went on, & their ability to perform & reach out to millions continued…
But I think, as The Doors’ said, “this is the end, my only friend.”
Allegations regarding inappropriate sexual behaviors and drug use have come out from The Roys Report (which is generally pretty reputable) concerning Michael Tait. Although he’s most definitely not the first lead singer of a Christian band that’s had allegations made against them (and we as a society are taught that someone is “innocent until proven guilty”) at some point, those accusations have teeth. Michael published a confession of his truth (I’m sure it’s not complete but it’s more than I’ve seen 99% of others who have “fallen from grace”) & has admitted to inappropriate behaviors.
I feel like the confession is just the tip of the iceberg, not only for Tait’s behaviors, but for the Christian music industry as a whole.
I’ve now sat through 2 congregations in my 47 years that have fallen apart due to the sexual inappropriateness of their leaders, and 2 major global ministries that have fallen apart from it (& that’s just the ones that directly affected me). The foothold that the enemy has regarding sexual misconduct in ministries is massive, & the Church is about to, as the kids say, “F.A.F.O.” (I shouldn’t use that acronym but it’s happening. People are fooling around and getting found out. If you are doing this, you. Will. Be. Found. Out. Period. The days of getting away with sexual abuse and power plays in the Church are OVER).
I have so many issues and complications with the Michael Tait case…part of me feels like if he could just be authentic with who he is and what he is struggling with, and if the Church could provide him with a truly safe place to love Jesus from where he is or who he is, then the abuse of power would have never taken place. If he’s gay (he admits to “touching men in an unwanted sensual way”), if he’s straight, if he’s struggling with purity, LOVE HIM and give him a place to heal in authenticity. The Holy Spirit brings loving conviction, not condemnation, and that’s Who we go to in our broken struggles…but the Church has forgotten that they’re supposed to be the hospital for the broken. We only want to look at what’s shiny & pretty on Sunday mornings…we don’t want to see each other in our darkest places, in our struggles and wounds…
If the Church treated people like they were a place where we could all fall further in love with a God Who is continually making us in His image, we would have the corner on the identity crisis in the world.
Controversial Statement #1: SEXUALITY IS NOT IDENTITY.
This may seem like a pivot off-topic, but I think it’s a foundational argument that if the Church would have been a safe place for Michael Tait to express the sexual struggles he was having, I don’t think these abuses of power would have ever happened. The Church’s persecution of the LGBTQIA+ community is misguided at best, and criminal at worst. Bobby Berk from Queer Eye comes to mind as an example I’ve heard 100x over: The church kicked me out. WHAT?!?
We are created in the image of a God Whose Word says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” My identity isn’t in who I am attracted to or in my gender. These things are a part of my physical identity, but they are not my identity in whole. My identity is in who Jesus is making me to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & physically (Matthew 6). Hayley Williams from Paramore said in response to this story that “Being gay is not the problem.” I agree with her. Sexual “identity” issues are not the problem, but finding the root of what’s going on? That’s the problem. The abuse of power? That’s the problem. The secrets, the coercion? That’s the problem. Non-consensual activities? That’s the problem. The sexual issues & substance abuses are the consequences of a whole lot of hidden issues & secrets that Tait himself admits to…when you’re carrying the weight of all of that? Alone? Couple that with actual conviction (he knew he was on a downward spiral but at some point, he was trapped)…You’re going to crumble.
I realize this opens the door for a LOT of discussions, but I think the bottom line is that the Church Jesus talks about isn’t some gilded temple of perfection. We’re a house of broken people who want to love Jesus more & who find healing, grace, and restoration in Him and only through Him. If someone can’t be open about the sexual or identity issues they’re working through in the Church of all places, then what are we doing?!? WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Jesus says to “come to Me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest”—Matthew 11:28-30. His House should be a place where we lay our burdens & our struggles at His feet…anything less is unacceptable. We should never feel “trapped” in our sins as we walk with God, because He promises us rest in Him and FREEDOM when we give those things over to Him. If we can’t bring our burdens to God’s people & find them to be an extension of His hands & feet? We’re not doing our jobs, Church.
CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT #2: Sexual identity struggles are not any greater or lesser than any other “issue” anyone else is struggling with. Loving people to Jesus and providing them with a house of healing by meeting them where they are, puts us all on a level playing field and prevents an inequity of position that we were never supposed to have in the first place. This does NOT mean we condone practicing immorality as defined by Scripture (I say that because I 100% do not condone predatory, abusive or non-consensual behaviors—there is no place for such in the Church). I want to say the Church should be a safe place for someone to express that they are struggling with temptation, questions, or sexual identity issues. The struggle isn’t a sin. Acting on it and the intention behind those actions are where you have to make a judgment call with the Holy Spirit. This is a call for transparency in the Church, and a call for us to be a safe place to discuss our real journey. It means we have the courage to correct, counsel, and hold accountable those who are struggling (rather than ignoring it or blacklisting people). We offer resources & an oasis of Hope. If people continue to make choices that are antithetical to the Word as a Code of Conduct, then we move forward with scriptural discipline…but we don’t banish people. We don’t kick them out or stop loving them. In fact, scriptural discipline is a loving part of the process, even though it’s painful. I think Michael Tait is going through some of that right now based on what he wrote, if he was being authentic. We give grace to people as they work out their salvation. Plainly put, we welcome hurting & broken people into our home, our churches, and our lives, because our Jesus is the only Healer & Judge for all of us.
We have all sinned and fallen short—we all need a Savior. We can sit and argue about identity issues until the cows come home, but it doesn’t change the fact that We. Need. Jesus. Why couldn’t Michael Tait come to someone & share that he was struggling? Where were the leaders in his life, the accountability partners? This man and his victims have been failed by every single person who heard a whisper about his actions…by his record label, by his so-called friends, by his bandmates, and by his church. For Cory Asbury to comment that this abuse wasn’t a secret in the CCM (contemporary Christian music) scene is beyond appalling to me—if y’all knew and said nothing, YOU ARE COMPLICIT. You’re just as guilty as the person who committed the acts of abuse.
Controversial Statement #3: WHERE ARE THE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS IN CHRISTIAN MUSIC?!? In fact, where are the accountability partners, period?!?!? We need community, leadership, and accountability. We have to get past this whole, “go to church on Sunday, that’s my duty, move on” line of crap so many of us have grown up with. If who you are isn’t who you are at church, then you’re at the wrong church, because that’s the ONE PLACE you should be able to be nothing less than 100% authentic.
I truly believe the issues Michael Tait has admitted to and been accused of, could have been avoided with proper accountability and godly counsel. They could have been avoided with embracing him in love and in giving him a place to be transparent. People were more interested in making money off of the man pretending to be a godly leader than in investing in him, providing him with accountability, and removing him from his position when the fires got too hot. WE FAILED MICHAEL TAIT and a thousand other ministries/ministers of the Gospel because we are cowards as a church. That doesn’t exonerate them. They’re still responsible for their actions before God…but if we’re One Body, aren’t we also responsible for looking away?
I’d like to say that I don’t see how this could have happened, but I’ve seen it over-&-over again. I’ve done it myself—singing on a stage about how great the love of God is, while struggling with suicidal tendencies, sexual immorality, & harboring intense feelings of anger and even hatred without honesty with leadership or counsel. Granted, I was on a much smaller stage, but the principle is the same: I faked it. I played the game. It doesn’t mean my heart wasn’t truly worshipping God or that I didn’t care about the people I was reaching out to; it means that my heart was broken. I didn’t have any resources in place for how to process my own trauma, & I acted out in secret. I don’t think I learned to live a life of actual authenticity until after I lost my daughter & found myself too broken to fake my way through it anymore (& in the arms of a Church that supported me in love).
I believe there is healing for people who struggle with secret sins, but I believe the first step in that process involves a commitment to authenticity & transparency. When you’re on that big of a platform? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. Michael Tait has lost everything, & the investigation has just begun…others who have walked this path have done the same, & this world doesn’t allow for an easy “comeback.”
Then again, God never called us to “Easy.”
It’s uncomfortable to walk this road….to feel so exposed by being so open to a trusted network of people. It’s uncomfortable to share the broken, rotted pieces of your soul with an unseen God. It’s uncomfortable to believe we are fearfully & wonderfully made in a world that tells us we’re cosmic accidents, validated only by our feelings.
We’re so much more…
It’s impossible to fight the battle of identity or addictions (drugs, sex, whatever) alone. It takes a village, a congregation, a core group—it takes accountability, compassion, and most of all, the love of Jesus. When we get on our own like some kind of pillar, we crumble in the storms of life….and instead of rallying around someone to help them pick up the pieces, as a Church, we tend to light them up like funeral pyre & watch them burn.
We’re not doing it right…
Our “pillars” in the church are falling like dominoes. We’re not giving them the accountability, compassion, and love it takes to be deeply rooted in the truth of Christ, & they’re crumbling in shallow foundations. They’re pouring themselves out until the drought is all-consuming, but then we sit back and wonder, “what happened?”
WE happened.
The very same duties we have to report failures in the church are the same duties we have to help to bring restoration and healing. It doesn’t mean we put people back in the same positions, but it does mean we help them focus on reconciliation & healing in Christ. We gather around them in support & love, and we walk together in transparency & authenticity in who we are as a Body, who we’re called to be.
Authenticity, transparency, and restoration are messy. We’re a messy people that seem to always be trying to look like we’ve got it together, when in fact, we look like a drag queen in a thunderstorm.
We DON’T have it together.
But when we function in grace & humility, knowing who we truly are and loving like Jesus truly loves, He makes us into a beautiful place where His Spirit can truly revive what’s dead, find what’s been lost, and restore what’s been destroyed. That’s what He does—that’s the Great Exchange. And when we seek His Will, there is no fall from grace that He can’t rescue us through.
Michael Tait has publicly called himself a “horrible representative of Christ.” Authentic? Maybe? We may never know how many actual victims there are, & he may never see on this side of eternity what the consequences of his actions are. One thing I hope he does see and seek, is the truth of Who God made him to be…the forgiveness Jesus offers…and the comfort of a supportive, restoring village or congregation that works with him as he is on this journey of repentance and reflection. There’s a lot of healing for a lot of people that needs to take place, as this is a man with a lot of influence. When you’ve affected that many people and you wipe out so globally, there’s a tidal wave that rolls out.
I’m still going to listen to DCTalk. I’m still going to listen to the Newsboys. Hayley Williams called out the entire CCM industry & said that she hopes it “____ burns.” I don’t share that sentiment, but I get it. I hope the lack of accountability & transparency in CCM burns (& in the Church in general). I hope the desire to make a buck off of artists based on their talent over their ethics burns. I genuinely hope that every single person that knew Tait was abusing people & said NOTHING , faces dire consequences, because they’re complicit. I hope there’s a powder trail from this that leads to an explosion of truth in CCM, & that the abuse ends…
CCM is a huge part of the fabric of my faith. In my 40’s, there’s a great amount of unraveling from the people who spoke certain things over me in my youth, from the principles that those people shared. Broken people are still capable of being used by God, even when they’re in the midst of their shame, and I can’t throw it all out. A pastor that fell from grace still spoke verses of life over me, and those verses were beautiful…he might suck, but the Word holds. We can’t throw it all out, and that’s the beauty of grace. Grace teaches us to separate the fallible from the Perfect, and that’s what sticks, so yeah—I’m still going to sing the songs when my Amazon station plays them.
I truly hope Michael finds restoration…that the victims find healing & forgiveness…and that more than anything, the Church rallies around each of them to be a safe space of transparency, accountability, and growth in Christ….I hope the revelation of these behaviors leads to discussions about how the Church is empowering abusers by turning a blind eye to the tough discussions. I hope it causes us all to step back and reevaluate our “methods” of functioning as one Body (because as it stands, we’re kinda cancerous fam). I hope the Church takes a look at the topic of identity and decides that it’s better to come from a place of Love and Truth, then from judgment…
And I hope more than anything, that the love and grace of Jesus continues to meet each of us where we’re at….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kXJdshVNq0&list=PLy2_hHSlXxiOvFAlVWXR_xgrVtl1Ktlar
peace
“Breaking Down,” AKA, “How to Hide the Decline of Your Mental Health, for Dummies”
“I hear the subtle hum inside my head as I push the pillow further into my face, trying to stifle the sobs that are trying to escape: ‘You’re crazy. No one is listening. No one can help you. You’re losing it. Give up already. This is where it all falls apart. You can’t do this much longer. Admit that you’re failing. Admit that you’re nothing. You’re dying. You’re drowning. You’re dying. You’re drowning.’
Over and over, the words run through my head, fast, then slow…louder….louder….it’s a tattooed rhythm that, if I don’t stop it, will become a non-stop stranglehold that stops the air from escaping my lungs.
I feel the panic rising, and I try, try, try, TRY to breathe…I try to pray, calling on the Name of Jesus, knowing that He’s there but completely unable to grasp His peace or to hear His voice. I’m failing in this…just another thing that I’m failing at…
The water rises, and I can feel the pressure…my chest hurts, my heartbeat is heavy and erratic, and I wonder if it’s the stress, or the new medication for the never-ending headaches that seem to be beyond my doctor’s diagnostic abilities. Change a medicine. Order a test. Get some bloodwork.
Never tell anyone that your head is about to explode from the weight of all that has been layering up to bury you over the past 6 months…
Don’t tell your mother…
Don’t tell your dad.
Don’t tell your husband; he doesn’t understand and he thinks you just “love” going to the doctor…
Don’t tell your boss…you need this job, you can’t go anywhere else, and you have to make them think you’re on top of your game…
Don’t tell your friends…they’re sick of hearing about one health issue after another.
Don’t tell your pastors, because you can’t seem to pray this away…
Don’t tell your sisters…don’t tell your brother…
Surely taking it all to God is enough….
But I can’t sleep, and no matter how much worship music I pray, how hard I cry out, or what I say, there’s no miracle cure for this….
Five days…two weeks….three weeks….
How long have I been like this?
The inside of my cheeks are raw from chewing the sides of them….my skin is a disaster, and for whatever reason, I’m in constant, unrelenting pain in my wrists, feet, back, shoulders, and fingers. It might ebb or secede, but it’s always there…”
These words…my words…were written last week. Last week…it seems like a lifetime ago. I’m not going to say that I’m not struggling, even now, but last week? I LOST IT. We’re talking, hide in my room, cry into a pillow, have to explain myself because my kid saw me lose it, Lost It. I’m still fighting through this, and I don’t say that in some way that says I’m some kind of a warrior or something dramatic. I say it because that wave of overwhelming anxiety is standing on the brink of my sanity for whatever reason, and I know I’m one wrong comment away from falling back into it. Just acknowledging my own fragility makes my chest tighten…I don’t want to go there again. I never did call my doctor…I should have, but I did a Google search on a medication I was trying to get off of, and figured out that panic attacks, massive depression, and suicidal tendencies are side effects of not tapering off of this medication correctly.
That’s not saying that I wasn’t tapering off of the medication–and yes, it was with a doctor’s supervision. I must have gotten confused on the specifics of the tapering, because it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I swear to you, I will deal with migraines until I’m blind before I go back on that medication again. My anxiety is usually manageable, but for the past 3-4 weeks, it’s gotten out of control, and last week nearly did me in. I know that sounds awfully final, but I was not in a good place.
Fortunately for me, God broke through and very lovingly, in His way, reminded me of two things: He loves me, unequivocally. Also, He gave me people in church leadership who know me and love me well, and can handle my frantic text of, “I can’t talk. Pray for me.” They know me well enough to know that I don’t say things like that, and that something is seriously wrong. They checked on me later on, and made sure I was okay…I also had a friend that knew the details of what was up, and listened–sometimes, that’s the biggest thing.
I have such a blind eye sometimes to toxic relationships…like, I’m just used to putting up with so much crap from certain people, that I haven’t even noticed what a blister they’ve rubbed on my heart, until it’s abscessed. I have forgotten to protect my heart, even though I know that when I don’t, it trickles down to my family. When chemistry goes bad (you know, all of those neurotransmitters in your brain that need to stay level or else you go off the goofy-crap-o-meter), coupled with the damages of stress and toxic relationships, it’s the kind of combination that results in only one thing: A CATASTROPHIC EARTH-SHATTERING KA-BOOM.
You know what I told my son last week, when he heard me crying in my bedroom?
I said (after I had pulled myself together), “You know what, Buddy? Everyone’s brain is a little different, and sometimes…
Sometimes, Mommy’s brain is kind of broken.
It gets overwhelmed, and it gets hurt, and then Mommy sort of crumbles and breaks down.
But it’s going to be okay…and I always know that. I just sort of have to reset sometimes, and crying, and getting all of my hurt out, does that; sometimes, Mommy’s medicines make things a little weird, too. I just have to process a whole bunch of stuff, and I will figure it out. Jesus knows what hurts, and what’s in my heart and in my brain, and He will sort it all out.”
How do you explain mental health to a seven-year old?
I have no idea, but I’ll tell you one thing: I’m always going to try.
Maybe if at 7, I had understood any concept of mental health, I would have been able to understand when mental health was good, and when it was challenging. Maybe if at 7, I had understood mental health, I would have developed the language I needed as a teenager, as a college student, as a young adult, as a grown woman, to understand that mental health challenges are NORMAL, and are just as treatable and as common as a headache, once you begin the conversation with the right people. Maybe if at 7, I had understood mental health, I would be aware that you can’t process spiritual concepts like prayer and healing, when your brain is so affected that you can’t sleep, or your eating habits are jacked up, or you’re so anxious that you can’t focus on beginning to get the Word of God into your mind. Maybe if at 7, I understood mental health, I would have understood that things like sadness, anger, stress, pressure, anxiety–NONE of these struggles mean you are a bad person, or that God loves you any differently or any less.
So, for better or for worse, I am always going to be honest with my kiddo about my broken brain.
There are physical, chemical reasons for emotional/mental imbalances…there are also spiritual reasons, and there is healing that needs to be done on multiple levels. I’m grateful for medical health…prescription medication is very helpful, even though getting the right balance of the right medication is tricky (if you’re going through this, please give yourself grace, and be candid with your doctor and with your family! It’s so, so hard, and I don’t think I’m there yet…I thought I was, and then these last few weeks hit). Spiritual health and support is KEY–please talk to your church leadership, and if they’re not the type that will respond to your text or your call for help, FIND A NEW CHURCH. There is no place in the Body of Christ for the pastor that will not shepherd his flock, and I speak from experience. I’m talking pastors, elders, home group leaders–you have to have someone in the church that will help you when you’re hurting. It’s biblical. We’re not made to go through these battles alone.
I’m still working my way through this storm. I’m not on the other side yet, even though I probably seem almost normal (whatever my “normal”) is. I’m waiting on some test results, and I’m probably going to look back into therapy. I still find myself getting caught up in the whole, “it’s expensive, and I don’t have time!!” but then I find myself making time for other things, so I need to figure this out. Stress is INTENSE, especially right now, as we’re one of many families that’s been impacted financially from COVID-19. My stresses and my mental struggles are so miniscule compared to some that I’ve heard about; I know I can’t compare myself to others, and sometimes it works against me (most of the time), but still. These are not the best of times. I’ll be glad to wave goodbye to 2020…and these past few weeks are burned into my brain as the pinnacle of the worst times I’ve had since all of this began (even worse than the spike of depression I dealt with in May).
There’s always, always, ALWAYS hope on the horizon, though, and I will not stop praying that I have my eyes open to the beauty in all of this. There are some amazing experiences that we’ve got to do and to witness through all of this. There have been blessings, there has been laughter, and there has been much to be grateful for. My biggest struggles have been in my own head, and regardless of the reason, I am so grateful that God does not abandon His own, even when they’re stuck in their own headspace. He breaks through in ways we may not even realize…we can’t give up. This world is quicksand, and it’s only getting thicker….I’ve had a recurring theme in this blog over the past year, though, and that’s how He is our Rescuer…He is our Anchor, and He’s also our Life Raft…
So, now that a week has gone by, I look back at the words that I wrote and the heaviness, though still tangible, is fading. I know it’s close by, and can lay back down at any second, so I’ve been doing some things that I know are preemptive…They’re not cure-alls, but they definitely help:
- I have some kind of worship music playing in the background all day long at work. Right now, I’m into Maverick City Music and I’m always into Bethel. I also like just about anything by Forerunner Music (International House of Prayer).
- I stopped looking at the news for more than a few minutes a day. I can’t deal with the state of this nation anymore, and I can’t handle the anxiety it induces, particularly during this election year, so I’m just checking basic headlines and I’m leaving it alone. Also, I DO NOT ENGAGE IN ARGUING WITH PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I also don’t tolerate people arguing on my pages. It’s nothing but a waste of time that does more to harm the body of Christ and further the thought pattern that Christians are nothing but argumentative, arrogant fools, and I won’t be a part of it. I Peter 3:15-16–I’ve quoted it enough on this blog that I’d better live it out, right? See an opinion you disagree with? Scroll on by. There–didn’t hurt, right? 🙂
- I’m sticking to a routine, which is easier since my son is back to in-person school (glory to GOD, y’all!). This includes getting in daily Bible readings or listening to a daily reading. Here’s the plan I’m using: https://thewaystlouis.com/bible-reading-plan/
- I’ve explained that certain messes in the house absolutely must be cleaned up, and need to stay clean, because I can’t handle it–messes aren’t peaceful, and I need peace. Since only one of us is working right now, that falls on the other to take care of. This mandate doesn’t win anyone any friends, but neither does having a mental breakdown at 4:30 in the afternoon. I’ve found this image helpful, as it explains things I didn’t realize (and if you’re the one in charge of cleaning, don’t take this as any kind of shade or guilt–that’s how I initially took it, and I started getting worked up over it, and then I realized that hey–I can only do so much. This is just the psychology behind it, and dang it, I’m gonna give myself some grace!!):
5. Deep breaths. I’m absolutely serious about this. I’ve botched a few presentations lately, and I’ve botched a few personal conversations lately, because I get so anxious and nervous that IJustStartTalkingAndICantShutUpAndBeforeIKnowItISaidWHAT?!? And, like toothpaste, you just can’t put those words back in the tube. It stinks. So I’m making myself breathe, deeply, and close my eyes, and refocus–sometimes in front of people, which leads to #6:
6. I’m being brutally, painfully honest. Posting this blog isn’t easy. Admitting my mental state from last week isn’t easy. Telling my husband that I’m cuckoo-crazy-pants isn’t easy. Watching him stomp up the stairs because I’ve unnecessarily snapped at him isn’t easy…and neither is apologizing a few seconds later, when he’s reemerged to find out if the weather’s changed. Admitting that I can be tumultuous (I’m being nice) isn’t easy. None of this is easy. Realizing that one tiny pill can upset this apple cart of a crap brain isn’t easy (and it’s incredibly, incredibly frustrating…not only to deal with, but to get doctors to understand). Having to make myself visibly stop and breathe/blink when in a conversation with a co-worker so that I don’t start bawling, isn’t easy, and neither is looking them dead-in-the-eye and admitting that, “hey, I’m sorry–I’m a mess right now while we adjust some medications” is NOT EASY, and I have to wonder what the professional impact will be. I’m not afraid to ask for kindness if I need to, I don’t think….but–
#7. I am worth it. My mental health is worth sorting out and worth paying attention to. My stability is worth fighting for, especially for my family’s sake, because being a wife & a parent is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, and dang it, I’m not going to watch that relationship be affected or lost because I didn’t put the time, the education, the prayer, the help, into it.
If you’re still reading, please know that above all, YOU ARE WORTH IT, too. Jesus says so, and He’s said it from the beginning of time. You–not some ambiguous people group. You, as an individual, YOU are so loved, and you are so worth PEACE….I think that’s what mental, and spiritual health, all tie into–peace. We can’t have peace in our hearts when we’re fighting so hard, but we can’t give the battle over to the Lord when our brains are imbalanced. It’s a battle against flesh (the brain) and blood (the spiritual), and it’s one that starts with Him. He uses all sorts of things–meds, prayer, health and mental care providers–He has endless resources, and He loves you so much that He’s in this fight even more than you are.
You’re loved. Keep fighting. We’re in this together—I’m not saying that to be trite; I’m saying it because it’s true. ❤
Additional Resources:
https://www.aloveworthlivingfor.com/blog/verses-for-social-anxiety
https://themighty.com/2019/02/bible-verses-mental-health-depression-anxiety/
A Disjointed Hot Mess of Getting My Head On Straight, AKA, “Why Am I Posting After Midnight?!?”
Doing that thing I’m never supposed to do…getting on the computer way too late at night, knowing it’s a bad idea but doing it anyway…
I’m quite sure someone will be offended by the time I finish processing whatever is pricking at my conscience, because as we all know, I process by writing and I’m dumb enough to put it online (“dumb enough?” Is it actually dumb? Or is it too genuine to be “comfortable?”).
I’m quite sure the Karens of the world will have their time clucking their tongues and clickety-clacking their keyboards to tell me how I’m not holy enough, or I’m not praying hard enough, or I’m not spiritual enough or whatever, and I’m sure they’re right, but that doesn’t make anyone feel any better, now does it?
I’m not going to blame this on Mother’s Day (it sucked, don’t ask, and no, I don’t understand why. Grief is unpredictable, ‘k?). I’m not going to blame this on work stress (do I still have a job? Mandatory pay cuts? A cut in hours? All options, nothing decided, and we’re floating in a pool of what-the-heck-is-going-on?!?). I’m not going to blame this on COVID-19 (although I will tell you that my personal state of mental health is on the decline, if I’m being honest). I’m not going to blame this on the crappy remarks my husband made to me today, or that I made back to him (I don’t remember who started it, but we’re sick of being around each other right now, and I’m sick-to-death of sitting on the couch). I will blame this on the apparently 15 pounds worth of anxiety-eating I’ve done to cope with the last 9 weeks, and that falls squarely on my super-fat shoulders.
Now I’m ticked at myself for failing so horribly (really, what did I expect??!?!? I’ve baked more in the past 9 weeks than I have ever before, during a non-Christmas season. David’s been doing all of the cooking, and he doesn’t know how to cook without going all Paula-Deen on everything, which is delicious, but terrible–and why I gained #20 right after we got married—and why I gained #15 being stuck in the house with him for 9 weeks, although we all know I could have gotten my fat rear up from the couch and made my own dang food. I didn’t, and now I feel horrible, I look like crap, and my blood pressure is through the roof). I have to put the brakes on EVERYTHING, and that sucks, because PEANUT M&MS ARE AMAZING, and no, David had nothing to do with those. Those are all on me…and on my hips.
I’m struggling with feeling really anxious, really sad, and really, really stressed out…and I know I’m not alone, but I feel like I am. I don’t feel like I can pick up a phone and tell anyone that I’m in a funk, because that’s not uplifting, and aren’t I supposed to be FRICKIN’ UPLIFTING?!?!?! Because right now, all I am is a giant lead balloon in a forgiving pair of leggings and a piece of fried chicken.
I feel like a giant &$*%&$ failure in every possible facet of my life.
There–I said it. And now it’s permanently embedded into Cyberspace. CASSIDY FEELS LIKE A GIANT &(*$%&($ FAILURE.
(We interrupt this rant to disclose that searching for a meme of a crying drag queen was enough to make me laugh. Those who know me know I love Jesus…and I also love drag queens. That’s an entirely different discussion. We digress.)
So, yes, much like the mascara on the photograph above, I feel like a failure/hot mess. The problem with getting something that sounds amazing (like working from home, or more sleep–is there EVER enough sleep?!? Not when you don’t have a thyroid, truth) is that over time, it becomes laced with uncertainties and eventually, tinged with paranoia. I’ve said for a few weeks now that everything feels very unsteady, and it’s not a good environment for me to try to live/work/be confronted with 24/7. Tension is building, and I’m not the only one. I’m internalizing more…I’m feeling more and more isolated and bleak and super-Don’t Touch-Me-ish (one can only be a landing mat for a projectile 7-year old without it taking a toll).
David’s getting a shorter fuse. Jericho doesn’t want anything to do with homework and has turned into a screen addict who shrieks like he’s being beaten alive if we tell him the TV needs to be turned off (SERIOUSLY, PUPPET STEVE ON YOUTUBE, IF WE EVER MEET IN PERSON I AM SILENCING YOU WITH A GLUE GUN.). (And yes, KAREN, we know we did this. WE ARE TERRIBLE PARENTS, OKAY?!?! I SAID IT!!! Just add it to the reasons why I feel like a GIANT (*$&%(* FAILURE.) Going into this summer, my biggest fear is that if I don’t come up with some kind of schedule or curriculum, both of the guys in my house are going to get sucked into some weird vortex of TV/Legos/YouTube and I will never see any of them again…which is fine, because I will have buried myself with my headphones and my tablet, under a pile of blankets where I will binge watch “Drag Race” until I’ve eaten myself to death with the seemingly-endless bag of Peanut M&Ms that I have discovered. THEN the guys can watch my progress on television on “My 600lb Life,” and we’ll all feel like we’re learning about each other again.
Yep…We’re not in our happy place.
Jericho has been spending a bit of time during the week at my parents’ house during our lockdown. I know that’s controversial, but I live in a 1,000sq. ft. townhouse. My parents live in a house that’s around 3x the size, out in the country, with a bigger backyard and far more to do outdoors. This gives me a bit of time to have some peace in my week (as I’m still working from home…good times) and for David to continue looking for a job (that’s another key point of stress. What do we do if he finds a job? There aren’t any childcare options right now. The “what ifs” are endless, right?). I’ve not seen my parents, as I’m stuck in “pause” regarding health issues right now (and every doctor I have is gonna be livid at the weight gain, so I’m already preparing to hear that lecture), so I miss them. I miss my job (does that make me a terrible mother? To say that I miss being at my office?!? See, that’s another foothold for “mom guilt”–there are SO MANY.), and I truly, deeply miss my church (Zoom is meh.).
You know what?
The longer I sit here and type about how much everything sucks, the more I am reminded that THIS SUCKS FOR EVERYBODEEEEEE.
I’m not special, you’re not special, and yeah, it’s okay for us to take a few minutes and gripe about it. From my blog history, it’s apparent that I’ve been griping about it for a few weeks, so yeah, I’m having some difficulties processing things and then dropping them. Whether that’s because I was raised by an Italian, or because I’m a vengeful harpy, who knows?
THIS SUCKS.
You can say it with me–it’s allowed. This is a safe place.
I know we’re hopefully coming to the end of the lockdown; just this week, I think I’ve officially got a true back-to-the-office date. I think we’ll get through this much more safely if people would get over themselves and wear a dang mask (they’re an “it” fashion accessory now, darling–you can even get them on Zulily!), we’d get through this a bit faster. I kinda think I may stick with wearing one during every flu season forever, because the flu I caught in February was WALKING DEATH, and I’m quite sure a face mask might have kept me from getting it…unless I got it from the germ magnet known as my child…hmm. But if people would just obey the CDC recommendations and wear a silly mask, what harm could it do? JUST DO IT, and get us out of this sooner!!!!!!
Just sitting down and writing things out is helpful for me–I know it’s oversharing, but at least by the end of this, I can sit here and say that my thought processes are linear. I’m not so scattered all over the place, getting slapped in the face by every emotion and feeling of failure that floats my way. I know it’s all a trick of the Enemy to get in my head and bury me–I hate to admit it, but it’s working, because I feel buried under all of this.
I can recognize the attack, but I’m truly so freaked out/worn out that all I can do is roll over and surrender. I haven’t yet, but I’m afraid that I will. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to put my head up and to fight back, or even to pray enough to fight back. I can laugh at my own patheticness, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare me.
The other night, I tried to pray for some kind of peace or relief. I prayed myself to sleep (which is kind of normal for me), but I wasn’t making any sense to myself. It was mostly just me saying, “Jesus…please.” That’s all I got. My brain is such a mess that I can’t even talk to God naturally. Like, I’m having to tell myself, “Girl, get yourself together and TALK TO HIM!!!!”
But you know what?
I don’t have to get myself together to talk to Him.
I don’t have to sit down and write a blog about how I feel like an epic failure, because He knows how I feel and He knows the truth. He knows every insecurity and He remembers them ALL (I don’t even remember them all. That’s ridiculous.). I don’t have to get “linear” for Him, because He knows me, mess and all, and even though it’s hard for me to believe,
He loves me.
I am without a doubt, a mess.
Most of the time, I don’t want to stop and try to sort me out, because IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I love this graphic–I’ve seen it before, but it’s so perfect. Grief isn’t something that exists in one moment, in one event of your life, regardless of how “huge” that moment is. Grief can be experienced during any kind of major transition, and baby, WE ARE GOING THROUGH TRANSITION. This whole lockdown experience is traumatic on many different levels, for many different people….for people who look like they have the “perfect” life, and for people who are in the trenches. We’re all unified by this one theme right now: STRESS.
There’s no coincidence that the word, “pandemic” and “panic” sound the same, and I think every time the word is spoken aloud, that energy goes into the atmosphere and we are in the thick of it!!! It’s oppressive, right?!?! I can’t be the only one who feels like the sky weighs a million pounds right now.
Constant reminders in the media and the press of death, sadness, grief, fear…constant attacks on the mind that torment (and we all know who the author of torment is…stupid jerk). We’re getting hit from every angle by news that’s designed to destroy our morale and to basically fry our hope. I read an article from the Psychiatric Times that mentioned Camus’ The Plague. I’d forgotten about Camus, but from what I remember, he was an existentialist who had no hope. The story was about a town that lost half of its inhabitants due to a plague (thus, the title. Nice.). The article talks about the weight of “death anxiety,” which sounds a bit dramatic (even to me) and about how there is trauma in the persistent, unrelenting state that we’re in right now.
No wonder I feel like crap.
It’s literally in the atmosphere. UGH.
When all of this started, I thought, “YES, GURRL!!!! You will read the books! You’ll start a workout plan! You’ll learn new things and GET AWESOME,” not, “Your life will be boring as h*ll, your kid will mutiny, and you’ll get fat again.” I started the books…I WILL get through at least one of them. And yes, I have undertaken some creative projects (lots of painting. Too many flamingos…as if there could EVER be too many flamingos. Baking…which I like way too much of….and sewing! I’m learning to sew, and yes, my face masks are DOPE.). I was doing really well at forcing my household to go on daily walks with me until last week’s cold snap, and I can tell that was a bad idea, because walking really helps my back. So that’s getting restarted, for sure.
But truth be told, I haven’t done all of the things I’d hoped, so it adds a layer to being disappointed with myself…can I just write on all of the mirrors that GOD IS NOT DISAPPOINTED WITH ME?!? My weight or my achievements and/or lack thereof does not make God love me (or you) any less, darn it, so why do I let them make ME love me less?!? BLAH.
The “Psychiatry Times” article had an interesting quote that, “death anxiety may also result in the following positive opportunities and growth-oriented goals:
• Valuing creativity and creative achievement22
• Generativity23
• Meaning making
• Mindfulness and meditation24
• Positive health behavior changes25
• Prioritizing growth-oriented goals and positive standards26″
Likewise, numerous websites have shown this graphic for finding the positives during this time:
I think there’s a fine line between looking at these great ideas, trying to do them or not doing them, and then using those outcomes by which to judge ourselves. I’m guilty of that, as seen above.
I’m also guilty of writing blogs that are way too long, waaaay past my bedtime, so I gotta wrap this up without feeling added guilt at the fact that I’m crap at writing conclusions (I should just end this here with a, “Bye!”). LOL!
I think I’m just going to say that I, and probably you, have to give ourselves some credit. We’re surviving a pandemic…it’s not only a viral pandemic; it’s a pandemic of misinformation, of unrealistic goals, and of misunderstood, confusing presumptions that affect us on every level. It’s a pandemic that has kids caught in the middle, and that’s a hard one to accept and to work with (I still don’t know how to explain all of this to my kiddo or how we’re going to get back into the routine I swore I wouldn’t let us get out of). It’s a giant ball of confusion and chaos in a world that was already a flippin’ disaster, and now we’re in deep. I’m struggling with feeling buried, and I’d wager that you might be, too, if you’re still reading all of this.
Peace is a concept that sounds so refreshing and so restorative…the other night, when I said I was trying to pray and all I could get out was, “Jesus, please?” PEACE was what I needed, what I was seeking. I didn’t have to say it–He knew, and I slept like a baby. Peace is the antithesis to Panic, and it’s not some global, Michael-Jackson-We-Are-The-World Sing-A-Long. Peace is a spiritual state, and I think it’s like a shield around us to protect us from losing our ever-loving minds during life as a rule. Panic tears holes in that shield, so we gotta get in a place of quiet and worship and GET IT BACK. That’s going to be my goal through the rest of the pandemic…sure, I want to bake all of the things but still lose these 15 pounds, and read all of the books and reorganize my household, but what is it without the very Peace of God?
And that’s my new focus…that’s what writing these nearly-3,000 words has led me to: Seeking Peace. Peace in the face of the Pandemic, Peace in the face of unsteady Mental Health, Peace in the face of Homeschooling and Job Insecurity.
Peace from the very Heart of God…for you and me, for our households and for our families.
Peace to you and to your loved ones….peace in the middle of the noise and the guilt, and the standards and the social media mess. Peace, be still.
Click the link to be taken to a list of Bible verses focusing on Peace. Shalom, y’all.
Cassidy's Commentary 