“What if I stumble; what if I fall?

What if I lose my step & I make fools of us all?

Will the love continue if the walk becomes a crawl?

What if I stumble…and what if I fall?”

–DCTalk, “What if I Stumble,” 1997-ish

 

 I grew up in a home that banned “secular” music. I still remember when my mom threw out my “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” cassette tape (I cried). I mean, c’mon—I cut my teeth on The Gatlin Brothers, Linda Ronstadt, Madonna (True Blue was THE BUSINESS, for real), Cyndi Lauper, you name it. But when my mom married my stepdad, it came with a recommitment to the Lord & our household got purged. My sister kept her “stash” hidden—Guns & Roses were intertwined with Stryper when she’d play drums, & she made sure I had exposure to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Def Leppard, Styx, and a plethora of rock artists. It was somewhere around this time that little country-girl Cassidy realized that I. LOVE. RAP. MUSIC. I found artists like DC Talk, ETW, Michael Peace, T-Bone, Gritz, Stephen Wiley—my mom had a FIT, but I found my people. I’d dance & try to rap (I still do, DJC2 in the hizz-owse, yeah, boyeeee!); I loved it. I tried to keep up with the lyrics & as a wannabe-writer, marveled at how these artists could turn a phrase.

DC Talk is unequivocally my favorite Christian band (& probably my favorite band of all time. I’m not embarrassed to say that). Kevin Maxwell Smith was my teenage crush (“Jen, pause the video right THERE—his eyes!!!! Sigh!!!!!”; Michael Tait was who I learned to sing gospel riffs from; and Toby McKeehan was the coolest guy I’d never met.

I’ve never had the opportunity to see DC Talk in concert…and it looks like I never will (although I’ve seen TobyMac)…when Michael Tait was announced to be the leader of another group I loved, the Newsboys, I was stoked. Kevin took on Audio Adrenaline, Toby was solo and being amazing—I grew up with these guys in my ears, and it was awesome to see them move forward with their faith in such focus.

When John James left the Newsboys, there were allegations of inappropriate behaviors. I still loved their music, & I still listen to Take Me to Your Leader, Shine, & all of their albums (“Breakfast” is a favorite song. It’s totally frickin’ creative!). I’ve seen them in concert a few times (I actually got to sing, “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes with Duncan Phillips back in the day while I was helping them set up their stage—the perks of going to a “mega” church!) & their high-energy shows were phenomenal. The members picked up the reins, the shows went on, & their ability to perform & reach out to millions continued…

But I think, as The Doors’ said, “this is the end, my only friend.”

Allegations regarding inappropriate sexual behaviors and drug use have come out from The Roys Report (which is generally pretty reputable) concerning Michael Tait. Although he’s most definitely not the first lead singer of a Christian band that’s had allegations made against them (and we as a society are taught that someone is “innocent until proven guilty”) at some point, those accusations have teeth. Michael published a confession of his truth (I’m sure it’s not complete but it’s more than I’ve seen 99% of others who have “fallen from grace”) & has admitted to inappropriate behaviors.

I feel like the confession is just the tip of the iceberg, not only for Tait’s behaviors, but for the Christian music industry as a whole.

I’ve now sat through 2 congregations in my 47 years that have fallen apart due to the sexual inappropriateness of their leaders, and 2 major global ministries that have fallen apart from it (& that’s just the ones that directly affected me). The foothold that the enemy has regarding sexual misconduct in ministries is massive, & the Church is about to, as the kids say, “F.A.F.O.” (I shouldn’t use that acronym but it’s happening. People are fooling around and getting found out. If you are doing this, you. Will. Be. Found. Out. Period. The days of getting away with sexual abuse and power plays in the Church are OVER).

I have so many issues and complications with the Michael Tait case…part of me feels like if he could just be authentic with who he is and what he is struggling with, and if the Church could provide him with a truly safe place to love Jesus from where he is or who he is, then the abuse of power would have never taken place. If he’s gay (he admits to “touching men in an unwanted sensual way”), if he’s straight, if he’s struggling with purity, LOVE HIM and give him a place to heal in authenticity. The Holy Spirit brings loving conviction, not condemnation, and that’s Who we go to in our broken struggles…but the Church has forgotten that they’re supposed to be the hospital for the broken. We only want to look at what’s shiny & pretty on Sunday mornings…we don’t want to see each other in our darkest places, in our struggles and wounds…

 If the Church treated people like they were a place where we could all fall further in love with a God Who is continually making us in His image, we would have the corner on the identity crisis in the world.

Controversial Statement #1: SEXUALITY IS NOT IDENTITY.

This may seem like a pivot off-topic, but I think it’s a foundational argument that if the Church would have been a safe place for Michael Tait to express the sexual struggles he was having, I don’t think these abuses of power would have ever happened. The Church’s persecution of the LGBTQIA+ community is misguided at best, and criminal at worst. Bobby Berk from Queer Eye comes to mind as an example I’ve heard 100x over: The church kicked me out. WHAT?!?

We are created in the image of a God Whose Word says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” My identity isn’t in who I am attracted to or in my gender. These things are a part of my physical identity, but they are not my identity in whole. My identity is in who Jesus is making me to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, & physically (Matthew 6). Hayley Williams from Paramore said in response to this story that “Being gay is not the problem.” I agree with her. Sexual “identity” issues are not the problem, but finding the root of what’s going on? That’s the problem. The abuse of power? That’s the problem. The secrets, the coercion? That’s the problem. Non-consensual activities? That’s the problem. The sexual issues & substance abuses are the consequences of a whole lot of hidden issues & secrets that Tait himself admits to…when you’re carrying the weight of all of that? Alone? Couple that with actual conviction (he knew he was on a downward spiral but at some point, he was trapped)…You’re going to crumble.

I realize this opens the door for a LOT of discussions, but I think the bottom line is that the Church Jesus talks about isn’t some gilded temple of perfection. We’re a house of broken people who want to love Jesus more & who find healing, grace, and restoration in Him and only through Him. If someone can’t be open about the sexual or identity issues they’re working through in the Church of all places, then what are we doing?!? WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Jesus says to “come to Me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest”—Matthew 11:28-30.  His House should be a place where we lay our burdens & our struggles at His feet…anything less is unacceptable. We should never feel “trapped” in our sins as we walk with God, because He promises us rest in Him and FREEDOM when we give those things over to Him. If we can’t bring our burdens to God’s people & find them to be an extension of His hands & feet? We’re not doing our jobs, Church.

CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT #2:  Sexual identity struggles are not any greater or lesser than any other “issue” anyone else is struggling with. Loving people to Jesus and providing them with a house of healing by meeting them where they are, puts us all on a level playing field and prevents an inequity of position that we were never supposed to have in the first place. This does NOT mean we condone practicing immorality as defined by Scripture (I say that because I 100% do not condone predatory, abusive or non-consensual behaviors—there is no place for such in the Church).  I want to say the Church should be a safe place for someone to express that they are struggling with temptation, questions, or sexual identity issues. The struggle isn’t a sin. Acting on it and the intention behind those actions are where you have to make a judgment call with the Holy Spirit. This is a call for transparency in the Church, and a call for us to be a safe place to discuss our real journey. It means we have the courage to correct, counsel, and hold accountable those who are struggling (rather than ignoring it or blacklisting people). We offer resources & an oasis of Hope. If people continue to make choices that are antithetical to the Word as a Code of Conduct, then we move forward with scriptural discipline…but we don’t banish people. We don’t kick them out or stop loving them.  In fact, scriptural discipline is a loving part of the process, even though it’s painful. I think Michael Tait is going through some of that right now based on what he wrote, if he was being authentic. We give grace to people as they work out their salvation.  Plainly put, we welcome hurting & broken people into our home, our churches, and our lives, because our Jesus is the only Healer & Judge for all of us.

We have all sinned and fallen short—we all need a Savior. We can sit and argue about identity issues until the cows come home, but it doesn’t change the fact that We. Need. Jesus. Why couldn’t Michael Tait come to someone & share that he was struggling? Where were the leaders in his life, the accountability partners? This man and his victims have been failed by every single person who heard a whisper about his actions…by his record label, by his so-called friends, by his bandmates, and by his church. For Cory Asbury to comment that this abuse wasn’t a secret in the CCM (contemporary Christian music) scene is beyond appalling to me—if y’all knew and said nothing, YOU ARE COMPLICIT. You’re just as guilty as the person who committed the acts of abuse.

Controversial Statement #3: WHERE ARE THE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS IN CHRISTIAN MUSIC?!?  In fact, where are the accountability partners, period?!?!? We need community, leadership, and accountability. We have to get past this whole, “go to church on Sunday, that’s my duty, move on” line of crap so many of us have grown up with. If who you are isn’t who you are at church, then you’re at the wrong church, because that’s the ONE PLACE you should be able to be nothing less than 100% authentic.

I truly believe the issues Michael Tait has admitted to and been accused of, could have been avoided with proper accountability and godly counsel. They could have been avoided with embracing him in love and in giving him a place to be transparent.  People were more interested in making money off of the man pretending to be a godly leader than in investing in him, providing him with accountability, and removing him from his position when the fires got too hot. WE FAILED MICHAEL TAIT and a thousand other ministries/ministers of the Gospel because we are cowards as a church. That doesn’t exonerate them. They’re still responsible for their actions before God…but if we’re One Body, aren’t we also responsible for looking away?

I’d like to say that I don’t see how this could have happened, but I’ve seen it over-&-over again. I’ve done it myself—singing on a stage about how great the love of God is, while struggling with suicidal tendencies, sexual immorality, & harboring intense feelings of anger and even hatred without honesty with leadership or counsel. Granted, I was on a much smaller stage, but the principle is the same: I faked it. I played the game. It doesn’t mean my heart wasn’t truly worshipping God or that I didn’t care about the people I was reaching out to; it means that my heart was broken.  I didn’t have any resources in place for how to process my own trauma, & I acted out in secret. I don’t think I learned to live a life of actual authenticity until after I lost my daughter & found myself too broken to fake my way through it anymore (& in the arms of a Church that supported me in love).

I believe there is healing for people who struggle with secret sins, but I believe the first step in that process involves a commitment to authenticity & transparency. When you’re on that big of a platform? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. Michael Tait has lost everything, & the investigation has just begun…others who have walked this path have done the same, & this world doesn’t allow for an easy “comeback.”

Then again, God never called us to “Easy.”

It’s uncomfortable to walk this road….to feel so exposed by being so open to a trusted network of people. It’s uncomfortable to share the broken, rotted pieces of your soul with an unseen God. It’s uncomfortable to believe we are fearfully & wonderfully made in a world that tells us we’re cosmic accidents, validated only by our feelings.

We’re so much more…

It’s impossible to fight the battle of identity or addictions (drugs, sex, whatever) alone. It takes a village, a congregation, a core group—it takes accountability, compassion, and most of all, the love of Jesus. When we get on our own like some kind of pillar, we crumble in the storms of life….and instead of rallying around someone to help them pick up the pieces, as a Church, we tend to light them up like funeral pyre & watch them burn.

We’re not doing it right…

Our “pillars” in the church are falling like dominoes. We’re not giving them the accountability, compassion, and love it takes to be deeply rooted in the truth of Christ, & they’re crumbling in shallow foundations. They’re pouring themselves out until the drought is all-consuming, but then we sit back and wonder, “what happened?”

WE happened.

The very same duties we have to report failures in the church are the same duties we have to help to bring restoration and healing. It doesn’t mean we put people back in the same positions, but it does mean we help them focus on reconciliation & healing in Christ. We gather around them in support & love, and we walk together in transparency & authenticity in who we are as a Body, who we’re called to be.

Authenticity, transparency, and restoration are messy. We’re a messy people that seem to always be trying to look like we’ve got it together, when in fact, we look like a drag queen in a thunderstorm.

We DON’T have it together.

But when we function in grace & humility, knowing who we truly are and loving like Jesus truly loves, He makes us into a beautiful place where His Spirit can truly revive what’s dead, find what’s been lost, and restore what’s been destroyed. That’s what He does—that’s the Great Exchange. And when we seek His Will, there is no fall from grace that He can’t rescue us through.

Michael Tait has publicly called himself a “horrible representative of Christ.” Authentic? Maybe?  We may never know how many actual victims there are, & he may never see on this side of eternity what the consequences of his actions are. One thing I hope he does see and seek, is the truth of Who God made him to be…the forgiveness Jesus offers…and the comfort of a supportive, restoring village or congregation that works with him as he is on this journey of repentance and reflection. There’s a lot of healing for a lot of people that needs to take place, as this is a man with a lot of influence. When you’ve affected that many people and you wipe out so globally, there’s a tidal wave that rolls out.

I’m still going to listen to DCTalk. I’m still going to listen to the Newsboys. Hayley Williams called out the entire CCM industry & said that she hopes it “____ burns.” I don’t share that sentiment, but I get it. I hope the lack of accountability & transparency in CCM burns (& in the Church in general). I hope the desire to make a buck off of artists based on their talent over their ethics burns. I genuinely hope that every single person that knew Tait was abusing people & said NOTHING , faces dire consequences, because they’re complicit. I hope there’s a powder trail from this that leads to an explosion of truth in CCM, & that the abuse ends…

CCM is a huge part of the fabric of my faith. In my 40’s, there’s a great amount of unraveling from the people who spoke certain things over me in my youth, from the principles that those people shared. Broken people are still capable of being used by God, even when they’re in the midst of their shame, and I can’t throw it all out. A pastor that fell from grace still spoke verses of life over me, and those verses were beautiful…he might suck, but the Word holds. We can’t throw it all out, and that’s the beauty of grace. Grace teaches us to separate the fallible from the Perfect, and that’s what sticks, so yeah—I’m still going to sing the songs when my Amazon station plays them.

I truly hope Michael finds restoration…that the victims find healing & forgiveness…and that more than anything, the Church rallies around each of them to be a safe space of transparency, accountability, and growth in Christ….I hope the revelation of these behaviors leads to discussions about how the Church is empowering abusers by turning a blind eye to the tough discussions. I hope it causes us all to step back and reevaluate our “methods” of functioning as one Body (because as it stands, we’re kinda cancerous fam). I hope the Church takes a look at the topic of identity and decides that it’s better to come from a place of Love and Truth, then from judgment…

And I hope more than anything, that the love and grace of Jesus continues to meet each of us where we’re at….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kXJdshVNq0&list=PLy2_hHSlXxiOvFAlVWXR_xgrVtl1Ktlar