*I reserve the right to quote obscure rap lyrics, any time, any place,  and any way I can possibly fit them in. 🙂 I love rap music; I always have, and I always will.

I took the day OFF. Like, OFF. Like, NOT AT WORK. I love my job, but it’s really intense right now, and the weather is GORGEOUS, so I am OUT. I took a long-ish drive, got some mums, and met some groovy chicks at my favorite consignment shop (Kaleidoscope Consignment, Pacific, MO–check it out!), and flipped some clothes and jewelry.  Now, I am sitting in an Irish coffee shop, drinking Guatemalan coffee, watching the people of this little town go about their daily business. I like Pacific; I wouldn’t be against moving here. They do a lot of family events that are in my anxiety wheelhouse to come to (meaning, they’re busy, but not like St. Louis Family Event busy). It’s a comfortable, sweet town that feels like home, even to an outsider.  David grew up here, and I love hearing the same stories about his life, every time we come to town.

So today, I am here on my own. 

I like it.

It’s a simple, relaxing day in a beautiful town, with the windows down, and the cares are temporarily thrown out the car windows. 

It’s a blessing….it’s a few hours of a personal vacation, a few hours to restore my mind and my soul, and I am grateful.

And Leigh Howard was right….This coffee is DELICIOUS! Shout-out to Little Ireland Coffee Shop!

Whatever you are doing today, my prayer for you is that you would have a few moments in the sunshine…that you would take, even if it is by “force,” a few minutes to step outside or relax with some good coffee, and BREATHE.  Sometimes, you have to, or the consequences affect your family and friends. I guess I have seen the results of people not taking that time, and just exploding. You HAVE to do it, not just for yourself, but for everyone you love. 

Take that time today.  You won’t be sorry.

I love Fridays.  I love that I have a shorter work day, but far more work to to in my office, and that the time flies…..which means that I always, ALWAYS over-schedule myself, and that I wind up hangry….which is where I am, at the dealership, waiting to get my tire fixed and put back on my car.

Oh, yeah–I blew up my frickin’ tire yesterday,  and due to my husband’s work schedule, NO ONE COULD COME SAVE PRINCESS CASSIDY.

Sigh. #Spoiled

Now, seriously, had I been able to get the stupid jack centered, I could have changed the damn thing myself, but no, Princess here had to get all caught up in being mad at her husband, and couldn’t calm her crazy enough to get her head out of her rear. So, I called State Farm’s sad excuse for Roadside, and thought I was going to reach through the phone to choke someone because evidently, no one teaches the Roadside people HOW TO USE GOOGLE.

Did I mention that I’m hangry?!

Anyways,  an #EagleScout came to my rescue and changed my tire. God bless ’em.

So, today, I am back at the dealership, waiting for my tire, and trying to figure out how exactly I’m going to have time to cram in a doctor’s appointment, a pedicure, being on time to pick  up my son, and getting him to the pediatrician,  all before 3:20 p.m….and how to do it all without having a #panicattack?!?!?

Oh, wait….pause, my car is ready (saves draft with every intention of completing this post last night, but now it’s Saturday afternoon, and I’m trying to finish this while my husband teaches our son how to fly a kite with no breeze at the local park)…

Last night, almost all of those things did happen, except for the panic attack & the pedicure . I actually managed to survive a completely packed day without totally freaking out! That’s kind of a miracle. Anxiety is definitely an issue for me, which a lot of people don’t understand, because on the surface, I seem pretty outgoing and fairly confident. It’s a total ruse.

If you are new to reading any of my blog posts, you’ll find me to be pretty transparent. My writing always takes a complete free-fall whenever I start being super religious and fake. It’s hard for me to put all of my dirty laundry out there, but since we all have pretty much the same dirty laundry, I’m learning to get over myself and just tell the truth. One of my goals in writing this blog is to show how we are all the same regardless of outward appearance, upbringing, financial success or failures, or places where we live. We all have so much in common, and the best way to figure that out is through loving honesty. So, yeah, I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve had a complicated medical history, combined with some pretty stressful situations, and things have not been the easiest. However, there’s a verse in Proverbs 31 that says, “she can laugh at the days to come.” It’s one of my favorite verses, and it’s one of the goals for my life. There is always a reason to laugh.

Even when you’re stuck at the car dealership waiting on a blown up tire.

Anyway, I made it to every single appointment on time yesterday (I had to skip the pedicure, which to me, is a BRUTAL sacrifice). Someday I’m going to figure out why it’s okay for doctors to be 15-20 minutes late, but it’s not okay for patients to run 5 minutes late. I have worked in health care for almost 18 years, and that has always driven me absolutely crazy. Why can’t people just be on time? When you really respect something or someone, you make it a point to be on time. It just burns me up. It’s gotten a little bit harder to keep my schedule now that I have a child, but now he’s four, and I think I’ve got it sort of figured out. I think that I am on time probably 80 to 90% of the time. My biggest issue is that I’m usually too early for things, and I’ve learned that can be just as annoying as being late. Most of my friends are late to everything, and it really does drive me crazy. If you are one of my friends and you are reading this, yeah, I’m probably talking about you. I did run really late to a birthday party recently, and it messed up my parents and it messed up my little sister and it messed up everything for the rest of the night, and I felt terrible. But my lateness is rare.

(Please do not think I am tooting my own horn here. I am a complete failure in plenty of other areas. Time just happens to be one of them I managed fairly well. But, like I said, I have worked in healthcare for 18 years and everything is done by an appointment book. I should be good at it by now.)

I caught myself being really petty and douchey yesterday when I went to pick up my son. I wasn’t running late, but I was trying to get out of there by a certain time, and I had a million questions for the teacher, since we have never put a kid in school before, and I have no idea what I’m doing, what she’s doing, or how my kid is doing. So I am that annoying parent that asked a million questions anytime I happen to see the teacher. Sorry, Miss Leslie. Anyway, as soon as I am walking out of the classroom, I run into her. HER. She is everything I am not, and never will be. From the neck up, she looks like she just walked out of a hair salon, and was headed to a formal. Her hair was perfect, her makeup was perfect, and her use of highlighter should have won her some kind of an award. I think she even had her eyelashes done. She looked like a movie star. From the neck down, though, she was wearing a sports bra crop top, and a pair of high-waisted Capri leggings that hugged her size zero booty like a second skin. From the neck up, she said, “I’d like to thank the academy for this award,” and from the neck down, she said, “I’m on my way to a pole dancing aerobics class.” I was  instantly judgmental, completely confused, completely jealous, and completely self-conscious of my size-16 ass.

What is wrong with me?

The worst part of it all, was that I instantly started telling my son, being sure to be within her earshot, about all of the work we had done that day for underserved kids in the local school district. Like she cared! It was like I had to declare myself in some way to make her think that I wasn’t a total fat loser, when the reality was, she probably didn’t even see me, and if she did, she didn’t care about me! What is wrong with me? And why in the world would I care so much about what she thought of me? Sometimes I wonder if my brain is ever going to get out of high school.

When I decided that I wanted to start writing a Blog several years ago, I always said that I wanted to be totally honest with myself, and anyone that wanted to read what I had to say. I’m wondering how possible that is when I can’t get out of my own head space, and stop assuming that everyone that sees me is passing some kind of a judgment on me. Or when will I stop doing the same? I get frustrated with my own stupidity.

I am a judgmental, slightly-OCD/paranoid wreck of a woman who struggles with anxiety, loves Jesus, and eats too damn much chocolate.

I think that sentence pretty much sums up who I am, if you’re reading this for the first time…and I forgot to mention the Most Important Part, and my whole reason for blogging in the first place:

Jesus.

Loves.

Me.

He loves you, too.

You don’t have to be perfect–you don’t have to be anything other than who you are. You can be that Size 0 Mom walking into her child’s school, looking more perfect than the Venus de Milo. You can be the Size 16 Mom walking into her child’s school, feeling hideous and invisible, struggling with your self-esteem. You can be the Single Mom who fights to make ends meet, or the Married Mom who cries in the shower because her hormones are whacked out. You can be all of the above, or in your own, uniquely-beautiful category.

You can be a Grounded Optimist….Flawed Believer….An Opinionated Wife…A Helicopter Mom….

Or A Well-Dressed Hot Mess.

He loves you.

And if it takes me pouring out my good days and my bad days…if it takes me showing off my mess….If it takes everything out of me to show you and I, and everyone in-between, that He loves us where we are, that He created us the way we are, then I am all in.

Are you?

Stay tuned!

I’ve been praying for the past year that I would start to dream again, like I used to…I’ve had a lot of physical/medication changes over the past 2 years that have really impacted my levels of fatigue and how I sleep, so there’s been physical barriers that have affected me, spiritually, and I’ve really missed the impactful dreams I used to have on a regular basis…I prayed again on Sunday, that God would break through and stir everything up again. I think that over the past week, some dust is being shaken and some ash is breaking down…

I’ve had some struggles lately in the area of relationships; I have felt, for lack of a better word, trampled, and like I am struggling for validation from people (which is DISASTROUS, for so many unhealthy reasons). I’ve said it repeatedly to myself, that as I turn 40 in November, that I am taking a stand and refusing to feel this way any longer. I have felt like the pending “doom” of turning 40 is more of a rebirth for myself, mentally and spiritually, but for every step I take, 5 more knock me down. I am not giving up, and I am determined to stand my ground, especially in regards to my career and the dreams for my life that I know God gave me. I am so tired of hearing, “God has a plan, He is going to use you,” and seeing nothing…and feeling nothing…and also of not putting the legwork in to build my spiritual life. I’ve struggled with self-discipline my entire life, and now, as a fat and broke adult(!), I have to end this. I can’t live like this anymore, and I need to get it right. I’m sick of myself and of the stupid excuses. God made me stronger than this. It’s time for me to walk in it…but I’ve been saying that for over a year.
Big dreams, bad execution?
When it’s just me, just my face, just this body staring at me in the mirror, there are so many voices I hear…so many ways of saying “you’re not worth it, Cass.” I’ve always been fond of words, but they cut my throat when I see myself.
Who needs enemies when no one hates you as much as you do?
(Actually, that’s not true–I can think of at least one person that hates me way more than I do, LOL–for this week, at least) 🙂
And as much as I dislike certain things about myself, (physical, personality, etc), I do struggle with a sense of entitlement in particular areas. I think my sense of reward is disproportionate to my actual investment, if that makes sense, and I really see that manifest in financial areas. I always have, and as I’ve grown, I noticed that when I have felt safe, loved, etc., I don’t spend anything. It’s when I am under stress or feeling ignored that I find myself in trouble. I try to fill gaps that I should be looking to Jesus to fill. It’s gotten me into more trouble–oooh, girl! He has to be my All; He has to be my Everything, and I have to stop self-validating or looking to others to pat my ego as a temporary patch on what is missing, spiritually.

I write more, when I feel challenged, torn, broken, defiant, stretched, and bluntly, when I feel like throwing up my middle finger to the world and doing whatever the heck I want. I’m being super, super honest here, but it’s the truth, and sometimes, it’s not pretty. Sometimes, I say and do ugly things, particularly when I’m in the breaking process, which is where I am, right now.

There’s a line in a *Nicki Minaj song that says, “I give zero f***s and I got zero chill in me.” I get it. I mean, I GET IT. I am sick and tired as hell of caring what people think, because all it gets me is frustration and emptiness. People walk away. They burn bridges, and there’s nothing left, even when you’ve poured your heart and your prayers and your time into them. They light the match and they walk off, and it’s just you. It’s just me, looking at myself, thinking, “You’re a fool. Why did you bother?”
Why did I bother?
Because Jesus says to bother.
That sucks.

He says to be a friend to the friendless…to pour in your time and your heart and your prayers. He says to be the open door, the shoulder to cry on. He says to be the listening ear, even when you’re irritated or offended (He says, “don’t be offended). He says to make the investment, even when you know it’s not going to come into fruition. He says to love.
He knows you’re going to get hurt. He knows I’m hurt. He knows I’ve thrown up that middle finger and told the world to eff off. He knows I’m angry. He knew this would happen; he knew where I would fail, he knew where friendships would fail, and He knows I’m in the middle of a tantrum (ch-ching!). He knows.

He knows I have to go through this breaking process. He knows a relationship has been required of me, and I see His hand working. I see my mistakes, and I see the patterns. I see they need to be broken, and that I feel like a raw, disgusting scrambled egg inside.

Every place we are in life, every relationship we have, everything we do, weaves into this tapestry that we cannot see…I like to think about Harry Potter, and the room in Sirius Black’s house, where there’s an enormous family tree. As people defy the family, his mother burns their faces out on the tapestry, leaving a huge, burnt hole. I’d kinda like to burn a few faces out, LOL, but that’s not my point. My point is that our tapestry is full of milestone moments, forks in the road, and when we look back, we will see how they are huge turning points. Those forks in the road can be very, very dark, but are so beautiful, in retrospect. We can try to burn those milestones out, but there will always be a mark, and we will always, despite our best efforts, have those memories of deciding moments.  We decide our behaviors, we decide our response, and we walk out the field we’ve sown.
I want to choose the behaviors and the responses that show a tapestry of fruitful fields, not a tapestry of burnt holes and fallow ground. 
It’s not easy, and sometimes, I suck so unbelievably hard at it. I can be such a punk, and frankly, it’s no secret that I can be a total b***h. I’m pretty sure part of my tapestry looks like Death Valley.

But…
I am POSITIVE that part of my tapestry is beautiful. I have seen the hand of God work in my life so powerfully, so undeniably, that I know and I believe in Him. I believe His Holy Spirit works in crazy, incomprehensible ways. I know He’s working even now, whether it’s in a healing way, a restorative way, a breaking way, whatever; I know He’s working, trying to rehab or reconstruct me in the middle of this process. I am positive that He can make even the ugliest parts of my tapestry absolutely beautiful in His way…

Jesus lays out some pretty crappy, difficult stuff for His children to do. Forgive? Disciple? Befriend? Share? Help? Who wants to do any of that, man? Who wants to stop on the side of the road and help someone who blew a tire? Who thinks it’s funnier to drive by and yell expletives at them out the window (and maybe video tape it and upload it to YouTube to go viral)? Who wants to forgive someone who slapped their face or threw a slushie at them? Who wants to open up their building to house the displaced, with reckless abandonment to anyone who may be trying to come in for nefarious reasons? Who wants to befriend the obnoxious, nerdy kid who sits by themselves in the lunch room?
Who wants to share their Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream (not this girl. Don’t touch my ice cream.)?

Who’d rather go on about their lives, living for themselves, without any eye on eternity or making an impact?

Jesus makes life difficult. It’s true. Yes, He’s awesome. His Love is amazing. He’s so real, and He’s so present…but it doesn’t always feel that way, and sometimes, He feels distant and we feel alone. We feel the chill of this earth and the lack of heart. We have to push through what we feel, and what we know, to draw closer to Him and to do what He asks.

No one has ever felt lonelier or more abandoned than Jesus.

NO one has ever loved harder than Jesus.

No one has ever been expected to do more, with less of a payoff: “Hey, Jesus, go to earth! Die on a Cross in a horrible, brutal, awful way, okay? Those people are going to hate You, to totally reject You, and maybe 10-20% are ever going to love You—and only 5% of those people are not going to totally suck at following Your commands–but go ahead, drop down to earth, and suffer, ‘K?” WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?

Jesus Loves Us.
He loves me, and He would have done it all for just me…fat, narcissistic, petty ME.  He’s the Thread that keeps my messed-up, ashy tapestry from falling apart. He’s what makes my life beautiful…even right now, even during my gross, raw, scrambled egg, broken hot mess phase.

I want to flip off the world. I want to tell everyone I run into–strangers, friends, family–to leave me the hell alone, and let me drown in my debt and my misery. That’s pure, selfish garbage. That’s humanity.

Life is spiritual.

Humanity is cold and solid. Spirituality is fluid, breathable, warm, and embracing. Humanity says to “shut down, reject.” Spirituality says to “reach out, to pray, to love.” Humanity is armored. Spirituality is open.

Jesus sent His Holy Spirit to comfort us, to keep us from embracing humanity and telling the world to eff off. He sent His Spirit to keep our hearts open and soft, prone to injury (because He is our armor), and reliant on Him to show love.

I will show love, even when it’s difficult, because He says I have to.
I will feel loved, even when no one shows it to me, because He says He loves me. I believe Him.
I will make the investment, over and over again, into people, regardless of what happens, because he makes the investment into me, over and over again…

And I will rely on Him,
In so many, many ways,
To make my hot mess of life into something beautiful…
I will trust in what I don’t see…
I will break, but I will not be broken…
And He will restore my soul….

*I do not make it a habit, of listening to or of endorsing Nicki Minaj, LOL.  I just happened to catch that line and thought it was perfect. 🙂