Christian parenting

All the Feels Week 3: Sadness

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

Before we tackle Joy’s “opposite” sister, I want to touch on something people forget to mention: Emotions are NOT linear. We live in a Western society that expects a lot of “either/or,” but life is more of a “both/and.” I think Eastern cultures are better at grasping these concepts and anticipating the complicated outcomes & possibilities.

I love the concept that two things can exist simultaneously while not in agreeance–we are not bound to being siloed in how we process, yet we’re thrown when we find ourselves experiencing both. We can laugh in the midst of mourning a loved one when we think about funny memories; we find ourselves scared in the midst of celebrating, etc. Why are we surprised when we find one emotion in the middle of processing another? Science actually says this is a sign our brains are functioning normally! We’re made for this!! We’re complicated beings, created by an infinitely-more complicated Being, and we cannot de-validate our emotions just because we don’t understand their complexities. They happen. Acknowledge them–God understands them so much more than we do.

“We live in a culture that loves dichotomies: happy or sad, broken or whole, mourning or dancing. We like clear lines and easy categories. But real life doesn’t work that way. Real grief doesn’t work that way. It isn’t just sorrow. It’s love. It’s longing. It’s even laughter in the midst of tears. Grief doesn’t erase joy, and joy doesn’t cancel grief. They often walk side by side, coexisting in the same fragile heart……The presence of joy does not diminish grief; rather, it honors it by allowing us to see beyond the loss—to cherish what was, even as we mourn what is no longer.“–https://www.cyndimatos.com/blog/when-grief-and-joy-collide 

I’m going to add another note in here (most of this blog is directly what our small group discussed) to say that most of you, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, know that David & I are well-acquainted with the topic of grief. Grief & sadness are often coupled together but expressed differently. I want to jump in here and say that GRIEF IS VALID. No one wearing the name tag of “Christian” has any right to say your grief isn’t valid. Jesus wept–it’s right there in John 11:35. Grief is an expression of a deep love, separated from your present state. The only reason David & I were able to progress in our journey after our daughter’s death is, and I can’t stress this enough, because we were loved well by a church body that gave us the grace to grieve our loss in transparency, while also comforting us with genuine hope. They never pretended to have the answers to “why;” they never told us to “get over it.” They held us while we wept; they wept with us. They prayed with us, and they witnessed Jesus walk with us through that valley with true kindness. It is because we have been graced with the very best of a loving church body, that we know and believe the church CAN and SHOULD be the safest place for hurting people…

Sadness is a normal human emotion defined as a state of unhappiness, sorrow, or emotional pain usually triggered by loss, disappointment, or difficult life events.

Key Characteristics of Sadness (according to a Google search & a few random resources):

• Universal Emotion: Recognized as one of the basic human emotions across all cultures.

• Physical Signs: Often shown through crying, watery eyes, lowered lip corners, or a quiet and lethargic demeanor.

• Purpose: Signals a natural need for comfort, help, or social support (that’s usually the LAST thing many of us want when we’re in the “mullygrubs,” as we say at home. Leave. Me. Alone…but you’d better hug me! But don’t touch me! ACK!–it reminds me of my very favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon).

• Duration: Temporary and passes with time, unlike clinical depression which is a long-lasting mental disorder (Google)

 Sadness and clinical depression are different, but people often use the terms interchangeably to describe deep emotional pain.

10 common types of sadness and depressive conditions according to Google:

1. Everyday Sadness (Transient Sorrow)

• What it is: A normal, short-term emotional reaction to a difficult day, a disappointment, or hurt feelings.

• Key detail: It passes quickly and does not stop you from doing your daily tasks.

2. Grief and Bereavement

• What it is: Deep sorrow caused by the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life loss.

• Key detail: It comes in waves and mixes with other emotions like anger or fond memories.

3. Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)

• What it is: A serious mental health condition defined by the Cleveland Clinic that causes ongoing sadness and a total loss of interest in life.

• Key detail: Symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.

4. Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia)

• What it is: A long-term, continuous low mood that is less intense than major depression.

• Key detail: It lasts for two years or longer.

5. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

• What it is: A mood disorder that follows a seasonal pattern, usually starting in the late fall or winter when there is less sunlight.

• Key detail: Symptoms include low energy, sleeping too much, and craving carbohydrates.

6. Postpartum Depression

• What it is: Severe sadness and anxiety that happens during pregnancy or after childbirth.

• Key detail: It goes far beyond the normal “baby blues” and can make it hard to bond with the baby (my personal experience with this was life-altering; I’m forever grateful to my mom for noticing & for saving my life!).

7. Bipolar Depression

• What it is: The low-mood phase of bipolar disorder, where a person cycles between extreme highs (mania) and deep lows.

• Key detail: It is treated with mood stabilizers rather than standard antidepressants.

8. Atypical Depression

• What it is: A specific subtype of major depression where your mood can temporarily brighten in response to positive events.

• Key detail: Symptoms include heavy feelings in the arms or legs and sleeping or eating much more than usual.

9. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

• What it is: A severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that causes extreme sadness, irritability, and anxiety in the weeks before a period.

• Key detail: Symptoms stop shortly after menstruation begins (Psychiatrists tried to say this wasn’t real a few years ago. I politely disagree…it’s horrible).

10. Situational Depression (Adjustment Disorder)

• What it is: A short-term depressive reaction to a specific, stressful life event like losing a job or going through a divorce.

• Key detail: It starts shortly after the stressful event and usually improves as you adapt.

Biblical characters who struggled with depression:

Here are 12 Bible figures who struggled with depression, each offering valuable lessons on how to approach emotional distress from a biblical perspective:

1. Job:

Job 3:11-26, where Job curses the day of his birth and wishes he had never been born.

Lesson: Even in deep sorrow, Job remained faithful to God, expressing his pain while continuing to seek God’s answers.

2. King David

Psalm 42:11, where David questions his soul, “Why, my soul, are you downcast?”

Lesson: David expressed his feelings honestly before God, but also reminded himself of God’s faithfulness and hope.

3. Elijah

I Kings 19:4, Elijah prayed that he might die, feeling alone and defeated.

Lesson: God didn’t condemn Elijah for his feelings but ministered to him by sending an angel to provide food, rest, and encouragement.

4. Jeremiah (The Weeping Prophet)

Jeremiah 20:14-18, where he laments his birth and the burden of his prophetic calling.

Lesson: Jeremiah’s transparency in his sorrow teaches us that it’s okay to express our emotions to God, even in moments of deep frustration.

5. Moses

Numbers 11:14-15, where Moses asks God to take his life because the burden of leading the people became too much.

Lesson: God responds to Moses’ cries, reminding him that He is always with him, and provides the support and leadership Moses needs.

6. Hannah

1 Samuel 1:10-15, where Hannah weeps and prays bitterly before the Lord, asking for a son.

Lesson: God hears our prayers, and through perseverance and faith, He answered Hannah’s cry for a child.

7. Asaph

Psalm 73:13-17, where Asaph questions whether following God is in vain.

Lesson: Asaph finds comfort when he remembers God’s faithfulness, learning that God will ultimately judge the wicked and bless the righteous.

8. Peter

Luke 22:61-62, where Peter weeps bitterly after realizing he had denied Jesus.

Lesson: Even in our worst failures, Jesus offers forgiveness and restoration, as seen when He reinstates Peter in John 21:15-19.

9. Paul

2 Corinthians 1:8-9, where Paul describes the despair he felt during a time of hardship.

Lesson: Paul learned to rely on God’s grace, acknowledging that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

10. Ruth

Ruth 1:20-21, where she expresses her bitterness and grief, calling herself “Mara” (bitter).

Lesson: Ruth’s story shows us that even in the midst of sorrow and loss, God is working behind the scenes to bring restoration and hope.

11. Mary (Mother of Jesus)

John 19:25, where Mary stands near the cross, watching her son suffer.

Lesson: Mary’s faith and trust in God remained strong even during the most painful and confusing moments, showing us that faith can endure through suffering.

12. Jonah

Jonah 4:3, where Jonah expresses his desire to die, feeling displeased with God’s mercy toward Nineveh.

Lesson: Jonah’s story teaches us that God’s plans may not always align with our expectations, but His ways are always for our good and His glory.

Conclusion:

These biblical figures faced moments of depression, despair, and emotional struggle, yet their stories remind us that God understands our pain and offers compassion, healing, and hope. Through their examples, we see that it is possible to experience deep sorrow and still remain faithful, turning to God for comfort and guidance. In times of emotional distress, we can draw strength from these biblical figures, knowing that God is with us, even in our darkest moments.

Walter Brueggemann, a theologian, calls lament “the telling of all our secrets to God – the hidden, dark, painful, needy secrets that we prefer not to have or acknowledge.” This goes back to the introduction–the NEED for transparency with our Father. We cannot expect any kind of healing or progress until we’re ready to bare it all before the Lord…we have to trust that He is Who He says He is, and that He. Loves. Us. 

There is joy in the journey of sadness…and sometimes, there is sadness in the journey of joy. Transparency with God, trusting that Jesus is Big Enough to carry our burdens, and allowing ourselves to meet with Him every day in that place of dependence, is what allows us to have the healing and growth He wants us to have as we walk through our valleys….

Note: Sadness and grief are a part of life, as we all know. Depression, however, is a significant state that I don’t want to ignore or gloss over. If you are dealing with prolonged sadness, fatigue, anxiety, heaviness you can’t get relief from, etc., you may be dealing with a chemical or hormonal depression that your medical professional can help you with. There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in being a Christian but struggling with depression or mental health issues!!!!! We live in a broken world and have a constant barrage of chemical, natural, visual, audible, distractions and negativity flying at us nearly 24/7. Our bodies & our brains weren’t designed for the constant processing we have to do, & sometimes, we need medical/pharmaceutical/psychological help to get our minds right, so that we can get into the place where we can spiritually process and prioritize. I personally have benefitted from medical and therapeutic assistance that I am grateful for. Much like you wouldn’t try to preach to a starving man without first giving his physical body food; you can’t try to embrace joy & get healing from grief/sadness/depression without sometimes getting your physical needs met. If you or your loved one needs urgent mental healthcare, please dial 988 or visit https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/caring/index.html for more help.

Wallpaper Christianity…

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I’ve been so focused on the new job that I’ve felt like my brain has left me zero room to process emotions–does that make sense? I’ve been struggling with feeling like God is near (is He? I mean, of course He is, but He’s hard to hear when the world is so loud & obnoxious), in the middle of trying to get thru the day-to-day…
But He finds ways & places to capture our hearts, sometimes when we least expect it, & emotions, like water, WILL make their way thru.
Sitting at Hannah’s grave hurt today… it hurt in a way that it hasn’t in a long time. 💔 

Maybe it’s the season–after all, her birthday was October 30th, & November 28th is the date of her death. Maybe it’s the fact that this time of the year, I feel pulled in more directions than are humanly possible to reach. Maybe it’s that time is flying by, & I get this “hitch” in the center of my chest every time my son outgrows another piece of clothing…

I sat at her grave, putting up her Christmas tree, & as I was making things “just so,” I felt God say, “Wait. Take a breath–you need to process this.” David & Jericho were in the car–they could wait. I sat there & looked at the beautiful hills…15 years. 15 years of memories, of decorations come and gone…15 years of tears, of occasional stoicism or anger, many years of finding, losing, and re-finding peace in the unknowing….even peace in the non-understanding…and still, 15 years of unanswered questions…

I still find myself asking if it will ever make sense…and I still find myself leaning back on Him, knowing that He is still there to catch me. He is in the unknowing, even when He is all we know.

You know, people have gotten really crazy with what I call “wallpaper Christianity.” I can’t do the whole, “live, laugh, love” thing on my wall…I have a Cricut, & I’m pretty sure David’s biggest concern when he bought it was that I’d plaster the house with all of that, “this is us” crap, LOL, but he needn’t worry…usually….But the other day, I saw a sign on Facebook that I’m going to have to duplicate. It said, “I still remember the days I prayed for what I have, now.”

Oooooh, that got me.

I still remember the letter 14-year old me wrote to her future husband, & all of the prayers poured into this man that steals my heart & my bath towel, or forgets to change the toilet paper roll. I still remember the prayers poured into finding joy again, or into recovery. I remember the prayers poured into learning to trust God all over again, into finding who I was again….and I remember on a daily basis, the prayers poured into the crazy-pants, static, loud, lovable, kind, adorable, occasionally obnoxious, and always-amazing now 8-year old miracle that I get to call, “Son.”

Even on the days where I have utterly failed at wife-ing or parenting, I remember those prayers, & I am endlessly grateful.

I’m thankful for this journey. Above all, I am thankful for a God Who loves & sustains us thru the the business & chaos, & Who lovingly calls us to selah, or “pause” & to listen to His voice….Who created us as emotional beings & Who never tells us to “stifle it” or to “suck it up.” He understands our processes because He created us in His image, & He IS an emotional Being–He loves, He grieves, & He celebrates. He doesn’t expect or want us to pretend; He wants our reality & our actuality.

We may want to focus on “live, laugh, love, ” but He is also in those commas & spaces between,,,in the parts no one wants to paper their walls with. He is calling us to pause in the chaos, and to allow ourselves to feel…to feel all of it, and to share it with Him.

So, I got a little….well, I almost said, “wrecked,” but it was more like an emotional flat tire: easily fixed, but not to be ignored. And that’s okay. There is peace after the processing.

I hope that you get to take the time through the next few weeks to breathe, to feel, and to fall into His arms. He will always be there.

Happy Thanksgiving, and if you don’t hear from me, Merry Christmas, beloveds. May you find your selah in this season.

Suddenlys and Falling Leaves…

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

One of the Millennials that I work with said something very interesting to me a few weeks ago…

[Please note that when I say, “one of the Millennials,” it’s with a surprising amount of love and respect. I say, “surprising,” because a lot of people in the “millennial” demographic have honestly bugged the holy heck out of me. This girl though (this young woman, excuse me)–she continually surprises me with words of self-empowerment and wisdom that I WISH I had at her age (or at MY age), and I learn a lot from her. When I turned 40, I told myself I was going to stop making apologies over everything. Emma has been a very influential voice that has echoed that sentiment, and even though we don’t always agree, I can’t help but to admire her strength and almost-frightening level of self-acceptance. Her story is encouraging and beautiful, and tough and scary, and it’s not mine to tell…but what I can say, is that she’s still standing, and that she has so much more becoming to do…There is so much beauty in her, and she doesn’t know it, but one day I will tell her just how much she’s taught me. I just want to sit on the sidelines and watch her bloom; there’s such a richness in her soul…she’s amazing.]

I digress.

Anyway, Emma looked at my Instagram feed, and said something to the effect of, “You guys LIVE for weekends.” It’s so true. My house is a wreck, I’d hire a housecleaner to bulldoze the kitchen in a second, and I barely stay on top of the laundry, but you know what? No one talks about a clean house when they tell the stories of their childhood. David & I are two very busy adults trying to keep a roof over our heads and raise a kiddo while working full-time and not abandoning either our families or our marriage, and it gets challenging. Monday through Friday, we barely seem to have time to carry on a full conversation, but on Saturday and Sunday? We refuel and burn it up in laughter.

Every weekend isn’t awesome, for sure. We’re far from rich, so we’re always doing things on the cheap; by the end of this hot summer, we’re sick of parks and tired of sweating to death…but October? Oh, you sweet, beautiful, melancholy month, how I love you!!!

I used to face the end of October like Grover in the “Monster at the End of This Book.” Hannah’s birthday is on the 30th, so every fall, I’d watch the days change on the calendar, and with every leaf that fell, my heart would break. For five long years, the month of October was crushing…but then, we were given the gift of making new memories, and of filling those painful places with peace and joy and anticipation…I have the greatest gift of having been given beauty for ashes, and for that, I can only sit back and praise God.

October still comes with “suddenlys….” I still have moments where my breath will catch, as a memory comes back, or with different realizations (I think I mentioned in my last blog that I realized out of nowhere that Hannah would be turning 13 this year. I’m still coming to grips with that one). Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I came across a picture taken at Thee Abbey in Arcadia Valley. The owner had posted a picture of her two children with puppies, and I suddenly remembered that we had been pregnant with our daughters at the same time. She was baking cinnamon rolls in the restaurant, and I was working long hours doing makeup on a film project. We were pregnant at the same time, and there was her beautiful girl, showing up on my social media feed. I doubt they remember me, or that we were pregnant at the same time…Thee Abbey holds a very special place in my heart, for multiple reasons, and we go back there several times a year, but it’s not like we’re friends with the owners or anything. We were just two women with dreams of families, who had very different outcomes from the same seasons in our lives.

It’s in those moments that I still make conscious decisions. Those are the “sink or swim” moments, those “suddenlys.” Do they become a noose or a beacon? Do I drown in the waves? Do I pause, take a breath, and let the tears fall? Oh, my Jesus….how many bottles in Heaven are marked with my name? He knows, because He cares about every tear that’s fallen on this journey and beyond…

Do I rush through the thoughts that hit, ignoring them even as I know they’ll come back to me later, when I finally have some quiet time to process them?

Should I even be affected by these moments anymore?

Those moments…some of those moments are huge, while others are minute, but they do still happen. When they do, it’s a conscious decision to move forward, to pause, or even to fall apart (which doesn’t happen very often, thankfully). There are conscious decisions to remain hopeful and wholehearted, to not become bitter or faithless. Sometimes, I hear other women tell their birth stories, and it gets hard to not be angry or hateful. Sometimes even now, old pieces of things I thought I forgave, as far as my medical care went, come up and I get mad. Two women in line next to me in a resale shop were bragging about how they had their babies out in public at 1-and-2 days old. I said, “Wow, you’re brave.” They laughed and said, “well, that’s how you GOT to do it!” One of them went on her way, but I quietly said to the other, “We lost our first from something very common…I didn’t leave the house with my second, except to go to the doctor, for 6 weeks.” The look on her face said it all–perspective. When other moms look at you like you’re some kind of germ-phobic freak or a helicopter mom, it’s hard not to lash out. There’s a conscious decision that’s made, to either tell the story in kindness, say silent and put up with the awkwardness and feel completely inauthentic, or to tell the story in a way to slap them upside their heads for judging your parenting. I’ve done all of the above, and I’m not proud of that fact.

There are conscious decisions made that people who haven’t walked this road will never understand, and that’s perfectly fine. I refuse to apologize for the fact that I am a woman who has given birth and said “goodbye,” and that this is the season where those memories and dreams are the closest to the surface….

So, like Emma said, we “LIVE for the weekends,” ESPECIALLY in the fall. October is full of everything beautiful…the trees are putting on their finest colors just before they blaze out into their rest, and I want to celebrate every one of them. I want the “basic” life of pumpkins and spice and bonfires. I want my (second-hand) UGGs and my leggings, and I want to jump into every pile of leaves I can find. I’m not a huge fan of corn mazes (I did my first one last week; it was a kids’ version, and it freaked me OUT), but I dig pumpkin patches! We didn’t do that kind of stuff when I was a kid, but we’re sure enjoying them now.

When the second lady in line at the store was talking to me about Hannah, Jericho jumped into the conversation: “I’m a rainbow baby!” I don’t know if she knew what he meant, but I laughed because it was the first time I’ve ever heard him tell a stranger that fact. It kind of blew me away–what does it mean, to grow up, knowing that about yourself? I had a friend chime in on an Instagram post that she was a rainbow baby, and that she loved knowing about what that meant; she said she loved that her parents never hid the truth from her, and that blessed me. I never wanted to keep it from him, but I also never wanted it to be a burden, so we always want to paint his birth as the miracle to us that it truly was. He knows he’s special (maybe a little TOO well, LOL).

We have this chance–we have this GIFT–to LIVE, and to live well. We have this opportunity to seriously carpe diem–to seize the day (can you tell I grew up in the 90’s?)–and to make amazing memories of each season. Jericho is no doubt spoiled. He hates the weekends where we’ve stayed home, and I get it. We don’t stay home on the weekends very often (although to be fair, we don’t go anywhere during the week. Total hermits.), and he expects an adventure. When he doesn’t get it? He’s kind of a punk, and I can say that as his mother. 🙂 And even today, after we drove for 2 hours, did a cool hayride, got lost in a maze, shoveled pizza in our faces in the car, and ate something amazing called a “cinnamon chimney,” he STILL had some bratty moments–he’s 6, and there was a LOT of walking–and I found myself wondering why I try to do cool stuff. Um, kiddo, I’m going to admit that sometimes, I am the one that wants to do the cool stuff, and you’re along for the ride. I want to make these memories with you, so stop whining and smile for the camera (“You will smile for this picture, or SO HELP ME GOD!” #TheStruggleIsReal). I want to make the cool memories, and I want to look back at that awesome photo book that I make at the end of every year, and look at this amazing life that God has given us.

I know that life in pictures is only part of the story…but what a beautiful part of the story it is. I have to laugh–when I was 8, my mom took my sister and I to Disneyworld. There’s a really cute photo album somewhere that shows us in all of our glory in Florida…but do you know what we still laugh about to this day? The fact that my sister and I were absolute MONSTERS on that trip. OHMYGOSH, I can’t–we whined so much, and my mom had to have busted her rear to pay for that trip; we were SUCH punks, I can’t even…AND I AM REMINDED OF THAT TRIP, EVERY TIME I TAKE MY SON TO DO SOMETHING COOL, AND HE WHINES. Like, #KARMA. I have to laugh. We have the pictures, and we have the memories, and oh, what a life we get to experience!!!!

Life is hard. It is–it’s a struggle for so many of us. But we have each day to start over, to make new memories and to make the conscious decisions to breathe, to move forward, to celebrate and to grieve. We have the opportunity to celebrate the sweet and to not become bitter…we have the chance to stop apologizing when we’re doing our best, and to accept the love Jesus offers us. We have the choice to pick grace, and to put one foot in front of the other on this journey, and to help others to do the same. Fall is the season of such incomparable beauty. I hope and pray that you get to embrace it and the changes that come along in it. “LIVE for your weekends,” and if you can, let the dishes wait a bit while you make some memories–and don’t make any apologies for it, dang it. You carpe that diem, dangit, and light up your Instagram feed!!!!

Seriously, though–take every chance you can to enjoy this season. May your “suddenlys” and your fall leaves remind you that you are loved by our Creator who made all of the beauty that you see, just to bring you closer to Him. ❤

Things I’d Say to Myself at 15

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / 1 Comment

I’ve been seeing this thing on Facebook (yes, I still Facebook, although I’m on it a lot less–mostly because I’m sick of seeing the same things. How do I get it to where I can see ALL of my friends’ stuff in my news feed?!?! I swear, technology makes me feel much dumber than I’m actually supposed to be) where people write things they’d say to their 15-year old self. I find it fascinating, introspective, and a bit sad…but it made me curious, as to what I’d say to that girl, so long ago….

WALMART ARCHIVE-0017

Look at that kid. Now, I’m not sure if I’m exactly 15 in this picture…but I remember wearing that shirt in England, and I went to England & France when I was 15, so I’m thinking I’m somewhere close. I think the biggest thing I notice in this picture is how much sharper my collarbones are…how much thinner my face is, and how much bigger my glasses are…I don’t know what’s going on with my hair, but okay…..Those high-waisted jeans aren’t doing me any favors, but that’s a great many pounds ago, and I can get lost in the rabbit hole of sadness, where my weight is concerned…oh, for the days of having a working thyroid!

There are no scars on that neck, nor are there any scars on that body that couldn’t be covered with basic makeup. There are freckles, which haven’t gone anywhere, and there is a tremendous lack of self-confidence that I see in that picture, that has only slightly improved with age.

So, what would I say, to that unconventional girl? There’s a lot that comes to mind…

  1.  You’re going to be okay. Yes, you’re nervous about everything–your hair, the sky, whether or not you’re going to get dress coded for whatever today–yes, life is going to hit you without restraint, but You. Will. Be. Okay. It’s going to take a long time, and you may feel okay one day, but wrecked on another. It’s alright–you’ll be okay.
  2. Love is real, and your wait was worth it all. Since you were 3, you’ve wanted to be a wife and a mama. Even though guys are curiosities at this point (oh, Cass, you think you know SO much), you’re not going to fall in love for a long time. And when you do, it’s going to hurt, and he’s going to let you down. And so will the next guy, and he’ll hurt you even more than the first. You’ll cry; you’ll feel broken and unloved. And you’ll watch your friends grow up and get married, and start families; you’ll feel rejected, and then one day, you’ll realize that, per #1, you’re okay. Jesus has taken His time repairing your heart and restoring your faith. One day, a fateful e-mail opens the door for a lifetime of love and insanity, but it couldn’t happen until you were in the right place, spiritually, and you DO get there. He’s worth it all…Your marriage is tough, but fun; amazing, and sometimes awful, but it’s always worth every step you take with each other. He’s going to drive you crazy, but you can’t imagine your life without him…And he may not remember to say it, but he can’t imagine his life without you, either. Hang on, little girl–those dreams of being a wife and a mama come true.
  3. Your mom loves you. You’re sometimes too similar; you’re sometimes too different, and you don’t always speak the same language. She works hard and she’s tired, and she always loves you. She’s not perfect, and you only hurt yourself when you expect her to be. She’s growing up, too, and everyone learns for a lifetime. Don’t project your own feelings of rejection onto her–that’s not where they’re coming from.
  4. You feel like an outcast, everywhere you go. That doesn’t really go away, and you learn to live with it. You challenge yourself with it, you make yourself talk to strangers and be inviting, just to create your own atmosphere where you feel comfortable. Once you’ve made a habit of forcing yourself to push past the chains of self-rejection, you start to find camaraderie with other weirdos, and you eventually have a solid group of weirdo-friends.
  5. The one person that stays with you, from before you were 15, until today, many years later, is Vinita. Cherish that friendship–don’t ever take it for granted, because no matter how much of a jerk you can be, she will always love you enough to keep you real. Keep that best friend (you just can’t know how much she will mean to you as you grow up. She’s the best).
  6. You have some medical garbage to go through. Pay attention to your body, but don’t be paranoid. Also, advocate for yourself. You’re worth it.
  7. Your body. Cass, you’re growing up in an era that celebrates stick-thin women. Society doesn’t stay there, and it’s amazing, but even now, at 41, I feel physically appalling. I can’t celebrate this body, because it doesn’t look the way I want it too…but it never has, has it? At 15, I looked 21 (and that was a huge problem–carry mace). I felt judged by people that didn’t understand how hard it was to dress curves that arrived far too early…I dealt with men who were inappropriate, and had to stand up for myself early on. I was never “thin,” and I never felt like I had a figure worth admiring, but because I had large breasts early on in life,  people felt like they had to comment on them  (both men and women–it was AWFUL). You may feel like you look the worst, and you’ll struggle with that for a lifetime, but know that you don’t. You’re not the kind of pretty that Hollywood tells you to be, but you’re unique, and you have a great sense of style (but not in THAT picture, LOL). You learn to dress what you have, and you’re pretty good at it. 🙂 (Too good–you have shopping issues. Get It Under Control. The sale will wait).
  8. You have huge dreams. That trip to England, those things you felt the Lord say to you? They don’t happen when you thought they would, and you go through a big portion of your life feeling like God was too disappointed in you, to let you do the “big things.” In fact, you still feel like that sometimes, even at 41. But don’t give up….I haven’t forgotten the prayers said on the wooden floor of an old church in Clacton-On-Sea, Essex…and I haven’t forgotten what He told me. God doesn’t lie; He just doesn’t answer on our schedule. But He’s “not a tame Lion,” and He will have His way…
  9. At 15, you have absolutely no career plans (people might think you do. Lies.). You want to be a writer, and it’s such a slow-burning thing. Your college plans go belly-up in your first semester; your career plans go belly-up after a failed internship your senior year. You literally do not care about what you want to be when you grow up, partially because you’re trusting God, partially because you’re not allowed to go the school you want to go to, and to major in what you want to major in (no Webster, no B.A. in English). Your academic plans get derailed time and time again, and you wind up in health care…where once again, your academic plans get derailed, and you start to think that Master’s degree is never going to happen. It might not. Your career in health care, although unexpected, takes care of your family, and you’ll be surprised that you enjoy it. You still want that Master’s degree, but you get to a point where you’re working to fund your child’s education…even if you’re not so sure you see the point of a degree anymore…You wanted to be a wife and a mom–you get those dreams, and they’re hard-earned. You find joy in those things, in ways you never found in a classroom or in an article. You’re published early on, and you do nothing with it. It sits there on a shelf in a library (it’s a boring book, like, for real–non-profits? BORING) and you find a great deal of joy in editing for others, but your dreams of writing that perfect story haven’t come true…yet…Have hope. Make connections. There’s this thing coming called, “blogging.” Maybe you should get into that. 🙂
  10. Finally, the most important thing I’d say to 15-year old me: Jesus. You’re growing up in the middle of the rebirth of the Charismatic Movement in the Church, and the things you’ll see both in the U.S.A. and abroad are going to create permanent milestones in your life. You’re going to go through multiple crises of faith as you grow up. One thing you never do, though, is wonder whether or not God is real–you always know. Your family, your school, and your church poured into you a solid foundation of faith, and even when the tempest rails, you’re grounded. When you’re shaken, God puts people around you that hold you together….even when you’re destroyed, and you will be, in ways you can’t fathom. You never find the words to tell the Lord exactly how you feel, but He knows. You have so much to be thankful for. There’s a song in your heart that the enemy tries to silence in the harshest of ways, but it carries on, even when you lose your voice. You were made to worship, and you’ll do it for eternity; never let that be dimmed. If you feel like your faith is shaking, reach out and talk to the people around you that love you–they will walk you through it. Get in the Word, and rewire your brain to stop looking at the Bible as a textbook. It’s a lifetime lesson that you’ll work on learning, and it’s hard, but that Word is a Love Letter. No one and nothing will love you or carry you like the Lord. He carries you a LOT, and He never fails. Don’t forget that.

Wow. Looking back at 15-year old me is a bigger trip than I thought it would be. I was a hot mess back then, and I’m a different person now….that’s still a hot mess…

I’m grateful for the journey.

And the improvements in Curl Control. 😉