life

All the Feels Week 4: Anger

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

WHAT is Anger? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-anger-5120208

Let’s just rip the Band-Aid off: I struggle with Anger. The personification of Anger in Inside Out spoke to my very soul…

When McDonalds came out with the Happy Meal toys from the movie, my son hit me where it hurts: “Mommy, wouldn’t it be funny if you got your favorite one?” “Huh? Which one is that?” “ANGER! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” 

OUCH.

I grew up in a family that was very, VERY expressive. It wasn’t one emotion or another; it was ALL of them, and for me, it was usually crying. I cried a LOT–I cried so much that the kids at school had a mean nickname for me that I won’t repeat, that still rings in my ear. I had/have a sensitive heart, & my mom was forever telling me to “suck it up!” Dad would beg me to “just let it roll off like water off of a duck’s back,” and I couldn’t do either. 

The worst part about it, is that I have historically been an ANGRY crier. It’s not so much anymore, but as a kid, I’d be SO angry & frustrated that I couldn’t DO anything about it, that I’d cry, & it was taken as hurt or sadness. No, stupid, I’m crying because I wanna PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE and they tell me that’s wrong!!!!! (Hey, facts.) I’ve gotten better about that as an adult, mostly because I have the freedom of walking away from the situation that kids don’t generally have if we don’t allow it, but I definitely, definitely feel anger very strongly at times, and I don’t always express it in healthy ways. 

I most definitely leave nothing on the table when I’m angry. If you’ve ever read anything I’ve written when I’m mad–a letter to the editor, a letter to a company, a Facebook post that’s upsetting, a text to someone that’s pushed it too far–it’s brutal. I’m very, very skilled at eviscerating someone with the written word in ways I could never do out loud (I process emotions better in writing), & it’s a terrible skill to unleash on someone. I have to seriously pray about it before hitting that “send” button, because even with that, I know there are things I’ve written that I am ashamed of (far worse than what I’ve said). Anger is an explosive thing for me that will well up and go nuclear if I don’t keep it in check…so I don’t. 

When I’m angry, you know it….but my goal is to share it in a way that is respectful and balanced for as long as I can. Years of therapy have helped, but decades of being on the receiving end of someone else’s anger have actually done more to shape how I process it as an adult. 

Things said in anger cannot be unsaid…I have way too many scars from the truth of that statement, & I still have things brought to mind by the Lord that He’s healing me from. I have said such things to my husband, to my family, even to my son, that I can’t take back & I struggle with forgiving myself for.

Because you EXPRESS anger, doesn’t mean that you STRUGGLE with anger. Anger is an emotion or a feeling that EVERYONE deals with. I can say that someone makes me angry–
“That driver cut me off! What a jerk!”–but not ACT on it or let it ruin my day. Expressing anger doesn’t mean it’s a weight around your neck. I can be made at the bad driver. Where I cross the line, is at insulting him. Where I cross the line, is by racing up next to him, flipping him off, cutting him off, and by spending the rest of my day telling everyone how much he sucked & by letting his actions, regardless of the reason, ruin my day. Anger doesn’t have to dominate, and when we let it, there’s where we fail.

EMOTIONS DO NOT RUN US. FEELINGS DO NOT DICTATE OUR ACTIONS. WHEN WE SAY WE LOVE AND WANT TO FOLLOW JESUS, WE ARE SAYING HE RUNS US. WE ARE SAYING THAT HE AND HIS WORD, DICTATE OUR ACTIONS.

When we “pop off” or lose it, it is clear evidence that we are not listening to the Holy Spirit or speaking in love…we’re disobeying our Father. 

Christians like to side-quest into discussing “righteous” anger, usually defined as anger that we have over injustice or evil. I’d like to counter it by going back to my earlier statement, that everyone has anger. Ephesians 4:26 says “be angry, but do not sin.” It’s how we act on our anger that determines whether or not it’s a problem. You can rightly be angered about someone that murdered someone, but what do you do with that anger? Do you pray about it? Ponder how that person got to that point? Do you go online and write an editorial? Do you comment on a Facebook page, or put a sign up in your front yard to protest the issue? Regardless of what made you angry, how do you handle your anger?

I like that Anger in Inside Out has a fire on his head. The Hebrew word for anger literally translates as, “His Nose Gets Hot.” It refers to how our nostrils flare when we’re mad. 🙂 

Do you treat it like a flame-thrower, burning whomever comes near you, or do you put it out in the throneroom, letting Him extinguish what hurt you or upset you?

The world has a term for handling anger: “Anger Management.” It’s a funny thing in the world…They have fantastic tips for how to control, breathe thru, calm down, etc., but it doesn’t seem they give a lot of solid information to prevent or forgive. https://www.verywellmind.com/anger-management-strategies-4178870 lists simple strategies to prevent the nuclear reactions so many of us know, have encountered, or struggle with, like working out, learning to identify triggers, leaving the situation, talking it through, etc. It’s pedantic, but solid, if you can think about it in the moment. 

I’d counter that though, by saying how can we live our lives in such a way that Love is so big, anger doesn’t get the chance to get a foothold? 

What does anger come from? If we’re created in the image of God, does HE have anger?  Why do we struggle with it in the first place? And how do we get healing from past hurts, to keep these struggles and triggers from rearing their heads?

According to VeryWellMind, there are 3 types of anger:

  1.  “Passive-Aggressive Anger: Here, a person tries to repress their anger to avoid dealing with it but typically ends up expressing it in unhealthy and undermining ways.  Biblical Example: King Ahab was angry with Naboth when he wouldn’t sell him the vineyard in I Kings 21:4. He sulks, and then his wife has Naboth killed. 
  2. Assertive Anger: This can be a healthy option for expressing anger. It involves handling anger in a controlled manner by using your words to calmly explain and try to diffuse the situation. Here, anger is expressed in a non-threatening way.  Biblical Example: Moses in Exodus 32 sees the Israelites worshipping the golden calf. Instead of becoming violent, he pleads and intercedes with them in Exodus 32:11.  Nehemiah 5 is another great example, where he finds out about the financial oppression of his people and he goes to the leadership to end it. There’s no fighting; just an integritous man, pointing out the clear violation of law with his people’s best interests at heart. 
  3. Openly Aggressive Anger: This type of anger might be accompanied by physical or verbal aggression such as screaming or hitting things. The aim of this type of anger is typically to hurt the person the anger is directed at emotionally or physically.Biblical Example: SO MANY! 
    1. Cain: Murdered his brother in anger (Genesis 4: 5-8)
    2. Moses: Exodus 32 (later on) when the Israelites do it again, he smashes the tablets
    3. King Saul: Got so mad at David that he tried to kill him (repeatedly)! I Samuel 18:8-11

Google: Handling anger in a biblical way involves understanding its nature and applying scriptural principles to manage it constructively.

Recognize Anger as a Normal Emotion
Anger is a natural human emotion, but the Bible teaches that it should be managed wisely. Ephesians 4:26 states, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” This emphasizes the importance of addressing anger promptly and not allowing it to fester.

Understand the Causes of Anger
The Bible identifies various causes of anger, including perceived threats to personal values or injustices. Recognizing these triggers can help in managing responses effectively.

Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a key biblical principle. Colossians 3:13 encourages believers to forgive others as the Lord forgave them. This can help release the hold that anger has on the heart.

Seek Peace and Reconciliation
Matthew 5:9 states, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Striving for peace and reconciliation can transform anger into constructive dialogue.

Pray for Guidance
Prayer is essential in seeking strength and wisdom to handle anger. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages believers to present their requests to God, which can lead to peace that guards the heart and mind.

By applying these biblical principles, individuals can manage anger in a way that aligns with their faith and promotes inner peace.

These are the “Idiot’s Guide” to handling anger in a Biblical way…or should I say, “simpleton’s guide?” I feel like this puts an AI-generated bow on a complicated concept, because the Bible doesn’t just tell us about being angry and not sinning; it graphically lists out literal prayers sent up about all of the terrible things certain people would like to see done to their enemies in anger in several places. The most notable expressions of anger in the Bible come from what’s called the Imprecatory Psalms.: https://youtu.be/Qn9LWZPBRR4?si=srXa1u8wXxvp4sZp 

These Psalms are a curse spoken to the enemies of God’s people, and they are NOT kind: “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks” (Psalm 137:9). 

“When studying the imprecatory psalms, it is important to note that these psalms were not written out of vindictiveness or a need for personal vengeance. Instead, they are prayers that keep God’s justice, sovereignty, and protection in mind. God’s people had suffered much at the hands of those who opposed them, including the Hittites, Amorites, Philistines, and Babylonians (the subject of Psalm 137). These groups were not only enemies of Israel, but they were also enemies of God; they were degenerate and ruthless conquerors who had repeatedly tried and failed to destroy the Lord’s chosen people. In writing the imprecatory psalms, the authors sought vindication on God’s behalf as much as they sought their own…..The bottom line is that the imprecatory psalms communicate a deep yearning for justice, written from the point of view of those who had been mightily oppressed. God’s people have the promise of divine vengeance: “Will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly” (Luke 18:7–8; cf. Revelation 19:2). “

These Psalms are kinda gross! But, in their defense, they were written in the midst of unjust oppression that tried the generous, long-suffering nature of the Lord. I believe they’re in the Bible to teach us that being angry and grieving, or being angry & expressing lament over such injustices, is a GOOD thing. Sharing our anger with God is a GOOD thing, as it allows us to process through His Holy Spirit, all of the feelings & emotions that He wants to hear.

We’re made in His image…so what does that mean, in the scope of anger? This quick video from The Bible Project is a beautiful explanation of the incredible long-suffering patience of our God in the face of this complicated emotion:

James 1:20 says that “man’s anger doesn’t bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Bluntly put, getting mad doesn’t bring us any closer to God & in fact, it usually puts obstacles in the way (because then we have to forgive, repent, deal with the consequences, etc.). Getting angry is a part of life & is in fact, a genuine reflection of a God Who gets angry in the face of injustice, evil, and pain. Acting on that anger instead of taking it before our Father & trusting Him to act on our behalf, only leads us to more struggles, more sadness, and more pain. Acting on our anger is a statement to God saying that we don’t need Him to fight our battles–we’ve got this–and we all know how well that goes. We have a calling and a desire to seek Him first. We have to trust in His process, in His methods of taking care of people and situations, in His way of handling it that doesn’t follow our “hot-nose” timeline of retribution. 

Anger is a hot, burning flame of destruction, yet we are called to serve a God Who is Love and Who gives LIFE. Working on turning our anger over to Him will breed love and life to everyone we encounter, leading us to more peace and a closer walk with Him!

References: 100 Bible Verses about Anger

All the Feels Week 3: Sadness

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

Before we tackle Joy’s “opposite” sister, I want to touch on something people forget to mention: Emotions are NOT linear. We live in a Western society that expects a lot of “either/or,” but life is more of a “both/and.” I think Eastern cultures are better at grasping these concepts and anticipating the complicated outcomes & possibilities.

I love the concept that two things can exist simultaneously while not in agreeance–we are not bound to being siloed in how we process, yet we’re thrown when we find ourselves experiencing both. We can laugh in the midst of mourning a loved one when we think about funny memories; we find ourselves scared in the midst of celebrating, etc. Why are we surprised when we find one emotion in the middle of processing another? Science actually says this is a sign our brains are functioning normally! We’re made for this!! We’re complicated beings, created by an infinitely-more complicated Being, and we cannot de-validate our emotions just because we don’t understand their complexities. They happen. Acknowledge them–God understands them so much more than we do.

“We live in a culture that loves dichotomies: happy or sad, broken or whole, mourning or dancing. We like clear lines and easy categories. But real life doesn’t work that way. Real grief doesn’t work that way. It isn’t just sorrow. It’s love. It’s longing. It’s even laughter in the midst of tears. Grief doesn’t erase joy, and joy doesn’t cancel grief. They often walk side by side, coexisting in the same fragile heart……The presence of joy does not diminish grief; rather, it honors it by allowing us to see beyond the loss—to cherish what was, even as we mourn what is no longer.“–https://www.cyndimatos.com/blog/when-grief-and-joy-collide 

I’m going to add another note in here (most of this blog is directly what our small group discussed) to say that most of you, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, know that David & I are well-acquainted with the topic of grief. Grief & sadness are often coupled together but expressed differently. I want to jump in here and say that GRIEF IS VALID. No one wearing the name tag of “Christian” has any right to say your grief isn’t valid. Jesus wept–it’s right there in John 11:35. Grief is an expression of a deep love, separated from your present state. The only reason David & I were able to progress in our journey after our daughter’s death is, and I can’t stress this enough, because we were loved well by a church body that gave us the grace to grieve our loss in transparency, while also comforting us with genuine hope. They never pretended to have the answers to “why;” they never told us to “get over it.” They held us while we wept; they wept with us. They prayed with us, and they witnessed Jesus walk with us through that valley with true kindness. It is because we have been graced with the very best of a loving church body, that we know and believe the church CAN and SHOULD be the safest place for hurting people…

Sadness is a normal human emotion defined as a state of unhappiness, sorrow, or emotional pain usually triggered by loss, disappointment, or difficult life events.

Key Characteristics of Sadness (according to a Google search & a few random resources):

• Universal Emotion: Recognized as one of the basic human emotions across all cultures.

• Physical Signs: Often shown through crying, watery eyes, lowered lip corners, or a quiet and lethargic demeanor.

• Purpose: Signals a natural need for comfort, help, or social support (that’s usually the LAST thing many of us want when we’re in the “mullygrubs,” as we say at home. Leave. Me. Alone…but you’d better hug me! But don’t touch me! ACK!–it reminds me of my very favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon).

• Duration: Temporary and passes with time, unlike clinical depression which is a long-lasting mental disorder (Google)

 Sadness and clinical depression are different, but people often use the terms interchangeably to describe deep emotional pain.

10 common types of sadness and depressive conditions according to Google:

1. Everyday Sadness (Transient Sorrow)

• What it is: A normal, short-term emotional reaction to a difficult day, a disappointment, or hurt feelings.

• Key detail: It passes quickly and does not stop you from doing your daily tasks.

2. Grief and Bereavement

• What it is: Deep sorrow caused by the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life loss.

• Key detail: It comes in waves and mixes with other emotions like anger or fond memories.

3. Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)

• What it is: A serious mental health condition defined by the Cleveland Clinic that causes ongoing sadness and a total loss of interest in life.

• Key detail: Symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.

4. Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia)

• What it is: A long-term, continuous low mood that is less intense than major depression.

• Key detail: It lasts for two years or longer.

5. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

• What it is: A mood disorder that follows a seasonal pattern, usually starting in the late fall or winter when there is less sunlight.

• Key detail: Symptoms include low energy, sleeping too much, and craving carbohydrates.

6. Postpartum Depression

• What it is: Severe sadness and anxiety that happens during pregnancy or after childbirth.

• Key detail: It goes far beyond the normal “baby blues” and can make it hard to bond with the baby (my personal experience with this was life-altering; I’m forever grateful to my mom for noticing & for saving my life!).

7. Bipolar Depression

• What it is: The low-mood phase of bipolar disorder, where a person cycles between extreme highs (mania) and deep lows.

• Key detail: It is treated with mood stabilizers rather than standard antidepressants.

8. Atypical Depression

• What it is: A specific subtype of major depression where your mood can temporarily brighten in response to positive events.

• Key detail: Symptoms include heavy feelings in the arms or legs and sleeping or eating much more than usual.

9. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

• What it is: A severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that causes extreme sadness, irritability, and anxiety in the weeks before a period.

• Key detail: Symptoms stop shortly after menstruation begins (Psychiatrists tried to say this wasn’t real a few years ago. I politely disagree…it’s horrible).

10. Situational Depression (Adjustment Disorder)

• What it is: A short-term depressive reaction to a specific, stressful life event like losing a job or going through a divorce.

• Key detail: It starts shortly after the stressful event and usually improves as you adapt.

Biblical characters who struggled with depression:

Here are 12 Bible figures who struggled with depression, each offering valuable lessons on how to approach emotional distress from a biblical perspective:

1. Job:

Job 3:11-26, where Job curses the day of his birth and wishes he had never been born.

Lesson: Even in deep sorrow, Job remained faithful to God, expressing his pain while continuing to seek God’s answers.

2. King David

Psalm 42:11, where David questions his soul, “Why, my soul, are you downcast?”

Lesson: David expressed his feelings honestly before God, but also reminded himself of God’s faithfulness and hope.

3. Elijah

I Kings 19:4, Elijah prayed that he might die, feeling alone and defeated.

Lesson: God didn’t condemn Elijah for his feelings but ministered to him by sending an angel to provide food, rest, and encouragement.

4. Jeremiah (The Weeping Prophet)

Jeremiah 20:14-18, where he laments his birth and the burden of his prophetic calling.

Lesson: Jeremiah’s transparency in his sorrow teaches us that it’s okay to express our emotions to God, even in moments of deep frustration.

5. Moses

Numbers 11:14-15, where Moses asks God to take his life because the burden of leading the people became too much.

Lesson: God responds to Moses’ cries, reminding him that He is always with him, and provides the support and leadership Moses needs.

6. Hannah

1 Samuel 1:10-15, where Hannah weeps and prays bitterly before the Lord, asking for a son.

Lesson: God hears our prayers, and through perseverance and faith, He answered Hannah’s cry for a child.

7. Asaph

Psalm 73:13-17, where Asaph questions whether following God is in vain.

Lesson: Asaph finds comfort when he remembers God’s faithfulness, learning that God will ultimately judge the wicked and bless the righteous.

8. Peter

Luke 22:61-62, where Peter weeps bitterly after realizing he had denied Jesus.

Lesson: Even in our worst failures, Jesus offers forgiveness and restoration, as seen when He reinstates Peter in John 21:15-19.

9. Paul

2 Corinthians 1:8-9, where Paul describes the despair he felt during a time of hardship.

Lesson: Paul learned to rely on God’s grace, acknowledging that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

10. Ruth

Ruth 1:20-21, where she expresses her bitterness and grief, calling herself “Mara” (bitter).

Lesson: Ruth’s story shows us that even in the midst of sorrow and loss, God is working behind the scenes to bring restoration and hope.

11. Mary (Mother of Jesus)

John 19:25, where Mary stands near the cross, watching her son suffer.

Lesson: Mary’s faith and trust in God remained strong even during the most painful and confusing moments, showing us that faith can endure through suffering.

12. Jonah

Jonah 4:3, where Jonah expresses his desire to die, feeling displeased with God’s mercy toward Nineveh.

Lesson: Jonah’s story teaches us that God’s plans may not always align with our expectations, but His ways are always for our good and His glory.

Conclusion:

These biblical figures faced moments of depression, despair, and emotional struggle, yet their stories remind us that God understands our pain and offers compassion, healing, and hope. Through their examples, we see that it is possible to experience deep sorrow and still remain faithful, turning to God for comfort and guidance. In times of emotional distress, we can draw strength from these biblical figures, knowing that God is with us, even in our darkest moments.

Walter Brueggemann, a theologian, calls lament “the telling of all our secrets to God – the hidden, dark, painful, needy secrets that we prefer not to have or acknowledge.” This goes back to the introduction–the NEED for transparency with our Father. We cannot expect any kind of healing or progress until we’re ready to bare it all before the Lord…we have to trust that He is Who He says He is, and that He. Loves. Us. 

There is joy in the journey of sadness…and sometimes, there is sadness in the journey of joy. Transparency with God, trusting that Jesus is Big Enough to carry our burdens, and allowing ourselves to meet with Him every day in that place of dependence, is what allows us to have the healing and growth He wants us to have as we walk through our valleys….

Note: Sadness and grief are a part of life, as we all know. Depression, however, is a significant state that I don’t want to ignore or gloss over. If you are dealing with prolonged sadness, fatigue, anxiety, heaviness you can’t get relief from, etc., you may be dealing with a chemical or hormonal depression that your medical professional can help you with. There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in being a Christian but struggling with depression or mental health issues!!!!! We live in a broken world and have a constant barrage of chemical, natural, visual, audible, distractions and negativity flying at us nearly 24/7. Our bodies & our brains weren’t designed for the constant processing we have to do, & sometimes, we need medical/pharmaceutical/psychological help to get our minds right, so that we can get into the place where we can spiritually process and prioritize. I personally have benefitted from medical and therapeutic assistance that I am grateful for. Much like you wouldn’t try to preach to a starving man without first giving his physical body food; you can’t try to embrace joy & get healing from grief/sadness/depression without sometimes getting your physical needs met. If you or your loved one needs urgent mental healthcare, please dial 988 or visit https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/caring/index.html for more help.

All the Feels Week 2 & 2.5: Joy

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

In the very first post of this series, 3 looooong weeks ago, I covered an introduction breaking down that emotions are a quick, physical reaction to a situation, while feelings are more of a long-standing thing that can envelope you. The Bible says we are made in the very image of God; the One Who created us is more than capable of handling feelings and emotions that are part of Who He Is, and that He made us with! (Note: I spent 2 weeks on Joy, and spent the second half of that second week discussing Sadness, so I’m not too far behind in these posts, but I didn’t want to include my notes on Sadness and have this be stupidly long, LOL)!

The most important thing in the introduction that I want to reiterate throughout, is that God Is Able to handle our transparency, and He loves us to share with Him what He already knows according to Psalms 139:1-4

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
 you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
 you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
  you, Lord, know it completely.

He absolutely knows how we feel. He has compassion, empathy, & a heart that loves us unconditionally. Encountering that love leaves us with a true desire to be 100% authentic with Him (and that transparency undoes the enemy, because that fool is the father of lies!). Transparency in sharing our hearts, emotions, feelings, desires, etc., with the Lord is a weapon that gives us deep, deep roots through the storms of life. Messy or not, we are the children of a loving Father Who never hesitates to hold us in whatever state we are in.

Joy is defined by the dictionary as a “feeling of great happiness.” What a crock. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that requires constant feeding. If you feed something constantly, you ultimately wind up with it exhausted with indulgence, ready to explode, & spiraling in the inevitable crash/burnout! (I love Snorlax, because he’s kind of the perfect picture of that, isn’t he?!?)

Happiness is a feeling that tends to be externally driven. It depends on situations, events, and other people aligning with your expectations. It’s future-oriented: you’ll be happy when you get the job, find the relationship, or reach the goal. Joy is more internal and less dependent on circumstances. It can exist alongside difficulty.”

Joy is a choice; it is a disciplined state that you can maintain even in the midst of pain. Joy is dependent upon the hope we have, that God is eternal and His character is unchanging! Because He remains, Joy can remain.

In the movie Inside Out, Joy & Sadness are partnered up as Sadness tries to take over & Joy feels the need to establish dominance. Joy doesn’t understand that her existence is actually made even brighter by the contrast of Sadness, not darkened when Sadness is near. Sadness and darker times solidify the truth of Joy in our lives; the desolate times make the spark of Joy have even more depth. This is impacted by our willingness to be transparent, as transparency →the acknowledgment of hard times→expressing our pain to God→Watching Him move with us, thru us, and beyond us, to sustain us & see us thru to the other side in His time. 

The Psychology Today article by Dr. Jamie D. Aten, Ph.D., titled, “What is Joy and What Does it Say About Us?” features an interview with Dr. Pamela King. In the interview, she speaks about the actual science of joy, & covers 3 areas that “deeply inform joy:”

  1. Growing in authenticity & living more into one’s strengths
  2. Growing in deep relationships & contributing to others (this is only possible when we’re authentic with ourselves & with others. Transparency again, leads to deep roots!)
  3. Living more aligned with one’s ethical and spiritual ideals

I love that all of the words she chose to describe growing in joy, are -ing words. They’re Being Verbs—BEEEEEEEEEEEING! Human BEEEEEEings! Joy cannot grow from a place of stasis! Stasis = Death. Think about it–nasty, stagnant water is a breeding ground for disease. Yes, it can develop its own ecosystem of decomposition, but nothing there is good. We are made in the image of God as Human BEings by a God Who’s literal Name is I AM. We. Have. To. Exist in a state of action verbs! Our lives, our successes, and our joy requires either action verbs or DEATH. It’s amazing!

So, this small group study I’m writing is titled, “All the Feels: The Facets of Feelings through the Facts of Faith.” This means I want to look at the people in the Bible who went through each emotion, and we’re discussing how they handled it, both good and bad. How can we apply these lessons and processes to our lives? Let’s take a look at a few:

  1. Paul, while in prison & thru so many trials!
    1. Phil. 1:3-6, 18-26
    2. Acts 16:25-34
  2. Mary
    1. Mary’s Song: Luke 1:46-56
    2. Side note: In the same chapter, Elizabeth’s son John “leaped for joy” in the womb when Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting! Even in the womb, we know true joy, spirit-to-spirit!
  3. David:
    1. Bringing the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem: In 2 Samuel 6:14-22, 
    2. I Chronicles 29:9-16
    3. So many Psalms! Psalm 4:7, “You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound,”

I’m not going to go into each one, because my mom already says my blogs are too long. 🙂 Each of these people, however, had situations where maybe they had a reason to celebrate; maybe they didn’t. Paul was rotting in jail, but he used his time to give thanks to God and holy cow, the testimony he could share from that experience! Mary, as a young teenager, sang praise to God even though His angel just told her she was about to be an unwed mother–a death sentence in her time–and went to visit her aunt, who by all accounts shouldn’t have been able to conceive.

David–I love King David–exemplified the up-&-down journey of our spiritual walk, and by the end of it, showed a lot of transparency (good and bad) in his relationship with God. Never one to mince words; on the occasion referenced above, he was so excited about bringing the Ark back to Jerusalem that he scandalously danced in his underwear through the city (thoroughly angering his wife). His unabashed, joyful worship showed that he had no pretenses whatsoever in how he felt about the Lord….he was willing to be undignified in his joy. When was the last time you were undignified in your joy? What would that look like?

You know, I found something very interesting in working on the topic of joy…Galatians 5:22 lists Joy as a Fruit of the Holy Spirit. Love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control…but how is Joy also a feeling, when a feeling is fleeting?

Because it’s not.

Happiness, like I said when I started this, is a feeling. Joy is a choice…a state…a fruit or a byproduct of a close walk with God by the power of the Holy Spirit. The fruits of the Spirit are stable, building us and those around us up, leading to a domino effect of positive spiritual influence, change, and productivity. Feelings, however, are impulsive, leading to undisciplined actions, behaviors, inconsistency, and never-ending self-indulgence.

99.1 Joy FM literally says, “I Choose Joy” as it’s web handle. I love that! We CHOOSE to embrace the fruits and the gifts of the Holy Spirit in our lives, even when the world is telling us to choose drama, noise, anger, etc. When we choose joy and we choose to share joy, we are pouring out a beautiful perfume to everyone that encounters us. It’s that joy that’s contagious, that makes people want to know why we’re different. He Makes Us Different!

Around 181x in the ESV, we find the word “JOY” in the Bible!

  1. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
  2. Romans 12:12: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
  3. Psalm 94:19: “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
  4. Psalm 95:1: “Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.”
  5. Isaiah 12:3: “With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.”
  6. Romans 5:11: “Not only so, but we also glory in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
  7. Philippians 4:4: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”
  8. Nehemiah 8:10: “The joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Joy is a place of stability for us, because we are anchored in the hope we have in Jesus. Hope is the key word–hope isn’t a fruit of the Spirit, because it is not based on interpersonal relationships. Hope, like faith, is solely dependent on Jesus & His work in our lives. Hope is between Him and us…and because we KNOW HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS, we can have long-standing, solid joy in Him that we share with others!

Choose joy today. Make the decision to sit at the feet of Jesus, share your heart–share the good, the bad, and the ugly–and let Him exchange it for the beauty only He can give, as He heals your hurts & exchanges the pains of this world for the Joy that can only come from Him.

Joy in the Workplace: “All the Feels” Sidequest

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

My friends have gotten used to my “ADHD Sidequests.” I’ll start on one topic & much like a rubber band, I’ll eventually snap back to where I started, but the conversation is going to flex into a lot of different shapes as it goes on. 🙂 Consider this an #ADHDSidequest for my series on “All the Feels.” 🙂

That being said, I’ve learned the freedom I have in working for a faith-based company! My previous foray into academia confined my worldview & ultimately left me unable to share my faith; in this institution, it’s literally on the walls of the building. 🙂 Each meeting starts with a “reflection,” & my Director is bold enough to share genuine moments of success & struggle in her journey. I can’t tell you how much joy that gives me…it’s so much breath into my heart after being so stifled!!

I’ve been allowed to lead a reflection two times now, & for today, I decided to spin my Bible study notes into a workplace application. It was personally helpful, because I’ve really struggled lately with not only my transition to being fully remote, but also with my anxiety related to a huge project that is taking me far longer than I felt it should. It’s had me second-guessing my value as an employee & my talents in this field; it has been mentally & spiritually challenging.

I work with seasoned, brilliant people & I feel terrifically inadequate; my manager is doing her best to encourage me, & I’m grateful for her patience…but even with that, I get in my own head & pick things apart…and then they crumble. So, putting these notes together helped me, & I hope they helped my team, too.

I’ll put the presentation & the links mentioned after the screenshots. I hope you find ways to Choose Joy in the Workplace today!

Here’s a recording! I’m learning new things!

Works Cited/Resources:

Cartoon of Joy taken from Disney’s Inside Out

Cartoon of my beloved Snorlax taken from Pokémon archives

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6vPHZQYxPQ&t=99s   Paraphrased from Michael Wiggins DBA FACHE, School of Health Professionals at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center Lubbock,  9/11/2026

Infographic taken from https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-connecting-your-co-workers-workplace-matters-techdoquest/

Resource:  https://www.oakpark.com/2015/09/15/learning-to-live-inside-out/

Lyrics & notes on Leonard Cohen: https://onbeing.org/blog/leonard-cohen-champion-of-our-cracked-imperfections/ 

Scripture references taken from YouVersion app

“All the Feels: The Facets of Feelings Thru the Facts of Faith” Week 1: The Introduction

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

For the first time in a while, I decided to brush off my keyboard and not only teach a Bible study, but yep–I’m gonna blog about it. This week started an 8-week Bible study at church that I’ve titled, “All the Feels: The Facets of Feelings Thru the Facts of Faith.” We’re going to take a look at key feelings and emotions; see who we know in the Bible that showed those feelings; learn how God mirrors those feelings or works in people with those feelings; and discuss how we move passed the point where feelings impact our relationship with God. It’s a long title and a big concept, and I’m quite sure I’m only going to scratch the surface in this semester, but here we go!

So, why look at feelings, anyways? Aren’t they just temporary? I mean, someone once told me to “never trust a feeling or a fart,” and as redneck as that statement is, it’s true (I can’t even tell you how I fell apart when they said that–that saying lives rent-free in my head!!!). Although I couldn’t make myself say it out loud in Wednesday night’s class (I do have SOME boundaries), it makes me laugh & it lightens the heaviness that this topic can evoke. Our feelings can get so dark that we forget they are TEMPORARY…but the decisions we make in those moments can be permanent, so we need to make sure to keep them in perspective.

Inside Out was revolutionary to me when it premiered; it was so pivotal that this entire 8 week session is based around it. Kids often have little self-discipline in expressing emotions; I found myself taking a deep breath when my son would blow up as a toddler, because how frustrating it must be, to have BIG feelings in SMALL bodies?!? So much emotion, but so little ways of expressing!! As he’s gotten older, I often say to him, “Dude, your REACTIONS are NOT matching the ACTION.” His response to something that isn’t to his liking is frequently way more intense than the situation called for. Getting him to pause, take a breath, and PROCESS something before reacting is a skill that society is in short supply of these days.

Riley’s progression through Inside Out 1 and 2 shows in an almost-tangible way, how our brains go through the process of emotion–>feeling–>mental state, and I love that they used the same characters when looking into the parents’ minds, too. Riley’s beautiful mind shows us Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust; as she hits those formidable pre-teen years, we get Embarrassment, Anxiety, Ennui (Boredom), and Envy added to the party. In the first movie, Sadness tries to take the lead from Joy; in the second movie, it’s Anxiety that tries to run the show (& oh, did I find that relatable?!?). At times, as the emotions try to jockey for position the brain/internal monologue is more of a mosh pit than a logical processing, but isn’t that like life?!? So many emotions, so little time to process…and therein lies the problem many of us face.

But this is an introduction to this series…so let’s strip it back to some basics: Emotions and Feelings…they are NOT the same, according to people much, much smarter than I am. EMOTIONS are the quick reactions that we have. They’re the burst, the flash, the sweat we break out into, the quickening heartbeat, the dilated pupil. A FEELING, however, is something that can linger for days. It envelopes you and you’re conscious of it. Feelings are what happens as we PROCESS emotion….they’re what we MAKE of emotions.

And that’s the key–that’s something I want to really hit on in this introduction. Processing emotions is a necessary discipline we need to take the time to do. The Complete Beginner’s Guide to Emotional Processing by David Caren gives some high-level explanations with some practical advice on how to unpack your day & truly think about how you reacted and felt throughout the day. This leads to a lighter morning, and a better ability (in my opinion) to truly turn things over to God instead of marinating in bad feelings and anxiety thru the night. Processing emotions is something that I actually don’t think we’re fully capable of doing without the Holy Spirit, simply because our abilities to redirect negatives into positives are like, non-existent in this crazy world that lives for the drama. You might disagree with that, and that’s okay–for me, however, it literally takes a major spiritual shift to redirect me because of how my brain is wired. It’s all tied together for all of us, but for some of us, those ties look more like rabid spaghetti. #Squirrel

Neurodivergent individuals are going to process emotions and a lot of other things differently, & I’m not going to get into that too terribly much at this point; however, because neurodivergents/neurospicy people like Yours Truly tend to overreact and spiral when emotions/feelings get overwhelming or out of balance, I’m going to drop this resource in because it’s a good one. We. Are. Not. The Same. as typicals–we feel very, very deeply & we usually can’t just “let it roll” as my parents begged me to do. We’re extrasensitive in many ways, and for me, this really affects how I handle perceived rejections. This is a known problem that has led me to some very dark mental battles/spiritual battles, & I’m very, very grateful for the resources & people God has put in my corner that have pulled me out!!

Emotional processing is NOT the same as Ruminating Thoughts. Ruminating (it’s the same word that’s used when a cow chews their cud–we do the same thing, chewing & chewing on our thoughts and feelings, not able to break the cycle & frequently, devolving into a “death spiral” of dangerous thoughts. Ruminating Thoughts are a frequent struggle for neurodivergents, but I know we’re not alone in that. Emotional Processing (check the link) is a beneficial method of reviewing–>accepting–>moving forward, while Ruminating means you’re literally stuck and choking on it. Jesus gives us freedom from choking on anxiety & ruminating thoughts! That’s the coolest thing EVER!!!!!!!

We do not have to get stuck in the spiral of dark thoughts or the chaos of an imbalanced mind. First of all, we are 100% made in the image of God. Yes, we live in a broken world full of messed-up genetics, chemical warfare, and Lord-knows what else…but being made in His image means so many things…

There are at least 38 verses in Scripture that talk about how we’re made in His image and what that means for us. I want to not only focus this first lesson on the benefits of emotional processing; I also want to base the rest of these classes on the fact that He made us, & there is No One Better to understand our emotions and feelings, as we are reflections of Him. Secondly, like the book of Ecclesiastes says in 1:9, “there is nothing new under the sun.” There is nothing we can tell Him that He hasn’t heard before.

There isn’t a feeling or emotion that’s too big or too small, that He doesn’t care about it or want to know you’re feeling it. There’s nothing you can tell Him, that will make Him not love you. And there is NOTHING you can say to Him that will shock Him or cause Him to turn up His nose in arrogance or disappointment. Jesus loves you…emotional mess, oversized feelings, and all.

Transparency is critical with God–I mean, He sees it anyways, so why do we think we can hide from Him?? He deserves our honesty even when it’s not pretty. In the year after my daughter passed away, I had the gift of transparency in the church we were attending. They gave me the grace to grieve my loss, letting me weep openly during service (especially during that first Mother’s Day), checking in on David & I, and not once telling us to “move on.” Their hearts were broken with us, & they carried us as we mourned.

They didn’t see the anger, though. I kept that from everyone….the miles driven while punching my steering wheel, the times I’d come home hoarse because I’d screamed at God the entire drive home, the unadulterated rage against the universe, against the questions, against my own body and mind…anger that took longer than the grief, to cool. Anger that meant I couldn’t say, “God is good” for over a year, or lift my voice in worship. Raw, ugly, broken anger that took me to another level of honestly with God….to a place where all that was left was me, screaming in an imaginary desert, until all I could do was whisper & ultimately realize that my theology was decimated.

Some people deconstruct.

I went nuclear.

And when everything was demolished, I realized two things: He never left. And I had never truly believed that He loved me.

It was at that point where I found out I’d only had what I’d been told in my heart…my faith had been what I learned from everyone else, what I was told was real, what I THOUGHT I believed…but those thoughts didn’t hold water when death came, & all of the platitudes of faith were just that. The verses were real, but they were words on a page.

I was a Christian–I believed Jesus was my Savior…but I didn’t know Him. And I hadn’t let Him truly know me….I’d played the part.

Getting real with God…getting absolutely bare, because I had nothing left to hide behind…meant that He became even more real to me. My transparency–my desperate, messy, naked transparency–didn’t make Him angry. He recognized me when I didn’t even recognize myself. I didn’t even realize I’d been lying to myself for decades.

Something about devastation means we get an opportunity for a divine reset…if we choose to take it. I learned in that space over 20 years ago, that Jesus loved me at my absolute most broken, most devastated, & most confused, and He met me with Love.

He met me with the Truth of Who He Is….and He showed me that He made me the way I am. Why should I be ashamed that I feel deeply, that I have Big Feelings, when He put that in me? Why should YOU? He made us in His image, to be clean and clear before Him with truth and transparency….and no one can handle us better than the One Who created us.

He accepts us, loves us, and redirects us to process our feelings & emotions instead of spiraling out in them….if we just bring them to Him.

Psalms 139:1-4 says, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely.“

We have absolutely nothing to lose by giving God our transparency, & we have everything to gain…including peace in the emotional processing of life. With so many emotions to deal with–man, I kinda wish we only had the ones Riley struggles with–it’s so incredible to know that no matter how we feel, we are LOVED by a God Who longs to see us as who we are…as He created us…to have emotional stability and a state of peace that lasts so much longer than a fleeting feeling!

Transparency with God is a huge tool in defeating the plots Satan makes against us. There’s nothing that defeats deception like transparency…Transparency gives us deep roots in the storms of life, and shines through the layers of lies we are surrounded by. When it becomes our habit, it fuels our faith because we KNOW that we know, He is with us, He is REAL, and He LOVES us as we are, to becoming Who He sees us as.

May you have the time this week to lay out your emotions and feelings before the Lord and seek His response to the best way to process, accept, and work through…may your feelings for others reflect His…and may you always know He loves you so much more than you could ever realize. 🙂 More later…

*Not written with any AI…although it would probably help me be more concise….whatever. 🙂

A Virtual Christmas Card…..

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

Remember when sending Christmas cards with a beautifully-stated letter of life update was like, THE thing to do?

Man, I remember….because I stopped doing it last year.

Last year, just before Thanksgiving we lost my brother-in-law; two days before Christmas, I lost my biological father, & to my surprise, mourned him much more heavily than I ever thought I would (I basically had a total breakdown & threw a screaming tantrum in the front yard for the neighbors to enjoy while my husband considered locking me up & my sister literally kept me vertical). Other family issues curtailed into the losses, & I’d say it was 6 months or more before we got our feet back under us.

Coming out of the last Christmas season was a journey, but we also picked up some “new” traditions that I think we’re continuing with (minus the front-yard public meltdown). In spite of the reallllllllly rough start to 2025, we had some really cool things happen that are worth mentioning:

  1. For the second year in a row, Jericho took the top score in his class for the SAT. He says he doesn’t think he can go for the free-throw for 2026, but we shall see….I literally jumped out of my office chair and yelled when I got the news. You would have thought he’d won an Oscar!
  2. David found a job that truly recognizes his unique skill set and personality. We went to their corporate Christmas party last week, & my heart figuratively burst when his co-workers and his boss told me how much they loved him & that he was “one of” them. I was also a tad frightened, but hey, it’s really great to hear that he’s building a tribe!
  3. Speaking of a “tribe,” we’ve jumped back into church membership after a lengthy time of separation. I’ve turned in my paperwork & David’s working on his…it’s so good to know we’re building a community of like-minded people that can be a home again.
  4. I started a job in January back in healthcare. I mentioned today to a newer co-worker that you’d never know it now, but it took me my first 6 months to find myself as an employee again after my trauma from my previous “manager.” The inconsistencies, gaslighting, lack of support, bitterness & targeting, did a ton of damage & I hadn’t realized how deep the hurt went. Therapy & prayer made a huge impact; trusting God in my place of employment has always been a struggle, & although I knew He led me to where I am, I was in constant fear that I was dropping the ball. I finally let that go, warmed up to my current boss, & realized I had something to bring to the table. The change has been wonderful, & I am glad I moved to the company I’m at! Good things are on the horizon, & I am excited to see how God continues to work. I still struggle with forgiveness–the same “manager” continues to target people at the previous workplace & every time her name comes up, I realize I have more to lay down. It’s hard when you see your friends get treated poorly, to forgive and to let go. The Italian upbringing (which I’m very thankful for, Dad!) leans towards vengeance, but biblically, that’s not my job, so I have to again, trust that God is handling things. Challenging, for sure! Especially when I’m SO CREATIVE…..
  5. We “celebrated” our 20th anniversary in May, along with David’s 50th birthday in January. I say, “celebrated” because honestly, it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I was going through some medical drama in late April/early May, & I was pretty much on the verge of another front-yard meltdown due to changes in medications & all of the family stresses. I really fell into a funk & had to do some intensive therapy to pull through it. Man, The Tribe came THRU. From sitting with me while I cried, to sending a pick-me-up card and praying with me, to meeting with friends via Marco Polo; I really leaned on my sister & my friends to get me thru it all and to figure out how to effectively communicate with my husband without getting so emotional that it sent HIM into a spiral. He was struggling enough!!! My son was in the thick of it with us, & although I’m sad that he went through it with us as a family, I’m actually glad that he got to see the process of what medications can do, what they can’t do, what therapy and prayer can do, and that there can be a sunny side to all sorts of trauma and disorders. He got to see all of those things in action, combined with the support of my sister & my friends, and how his dad had his own struggles, successes, and choices in the process. It was a real-life lesson in action, & we’re still talking thru parts of it.
  6. Noodle the Hot Mess Mutt continues to be well, a Hot Mess. We love her; she’s still indecisive with how she feels about us (unless we have food or a warm blanket, in which case we’re her favorite…but should we try to move her from said blanket, then we’re The Devil and she will attack, so there’s that). She hasn’t had any major issues or injuries this year, which, given her tendency to eat any-&-everything, is borderline miraculous.

And that’s basically it–we’re celebrating David’s current job as well as mine, celebrating Jericho for basically being a future-lawyer-genius & overall nice kid; celebrating Noodle for not dying; and most of all, celebrating the grace & love of Jesus, Who, for reasons not yet understood, continues to call us His own. His love is so above my level of comprehension, so defiant of what the culture expects or knows, that when I really try to think about it I can’t help but to sit in absolute silence. I have nothing of wisdom or value to say–He loves in a way I can’t reciprocate or appreciate, in a way I don’t deserve or even begin to grasp. When we sing that it’s a “Reckless Love,” my husband shared with me recently a breakdown of what that phrase means to him, & I had to tell him to stop talking because I’d just done my makeup & I knew I was about to bawl. 🙂 He. Loves. Us. Who would do that? The best of us is unlovable by any standard–we are arrogant, messy, clueless, weak, and weird. We are, as one of my favorite authors says, “ragamuffins,” but that’s who the King of Kings came for. He became ONE OF US in order to REDEEM us with His death & resurrection, and that’s really what we celebrate this Christmas.

Sure, the time of the year is all wrong, and we’d do better, honestly, to celebrate other Hebraic feasts that God calls us to, over the hybridized Christmas that’s December 25th–that’s something I internally am debating–but the fact remains that at this particular time of the year, globally, we recognize the birth of the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth. We celebrate the coming of the King, the beginning of our Redemption, and the event that is so huge, our entire Eastern calendar is measured before-&-after its happening. The birth of our Savior is PIVOTAL for the physical and the spiritual, foretold in the very stars for generations before. He’s my Savior, keeping me not only from hell, but from the very worst of myself (which I encountered this year in the aforementioned front-yard meltdown and believe me when I say this, I AM SAVED FROM BEING THAT PERSON. She’s scary). He’s saved me from being separated from His incredible love…He gave everything for me, and for you, too.

So, when you look around & you think about all of the “things” that go into celebrating the holidays, remember to set it aside periodically to, as they say corporately, “focus on the WHY.” Get quiet. Put down the dustrag & baking pans; leave your wallet at home. Alanis Morissette once asked, “why are you so petrified of silence?” Aren’t we?!?!? But there is so much BEAUTY in getting silent…in focusing on that Still, Sometimes-Small Voice…in simply giving thanks from your heart instead of just from your mouth. My pastor, Brian Kitchen, sends out a daily devotional based on the previous Sunday’s sermons; with a reference of Luke 1:22, in today’s devotional he said, “Your quiet seasons are not empty seasons. God is shaping you while the promise is developing. Even when you feel muted, the miracle is moving toward its moment.“

My biggest prayer for you & I right now in this season is that if we’re not in a “quiet” season, that we will find the time/make the time to get quiet. If we’re in a season in which God seems quiet, my prayer for you & I is that we would see how He is moving in the stillness, and that our faith would grow in the waiting. There are no empty moments in our walk with God…just moments of our own static that would distract us from His intended impacts.

May this Christmas find you in times of stillness…in times of quiet gratitude, may you reflect on the birth of your Savior; of His love for you & of how freely He laid down His life not with the kind of irresponsibility we relate to our definition of “recklessness,” but with the kind of deep, incomprehensible Love that knew there was no other way to bridge our separation, & to bring us together for eternity…

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, to you all….celebrate!

Love, The Cooley Family: Jericho, Noodle, David, and Cassidy, November, 2025

19 years…

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

Happy birthday, Baby…

19 years is a long time; almost 2 decades.

Many people know your story…many people don’t…and part of life is learning who is safe to share these things with (and who isn’t). I’m more exclusive with who gets to hear about you, because that’s a privilege.

I looked at your dad last night & said, “Someday, it won’t hurt anymore….”

I don’t know if he heard me, but I keep thinking about that statement. I feel like it was more of God saying it to me than it was me saying it to your father.

Your brother asked about you the other day. He said he asked God if you were in Heaven when he was praying one night, & his History teacher inadvertently answered his question the next day. You’d be so proud of him—he’s so funny. He spoke his thoughts on the subject, & I shared mine. He also told me he didn’t think there were dogs in Heaven. Ma’am, I corrected him properly, because I KNOW you are playing with Holly “up” there!!!!

I shared that a day in God’s presence is as a thousand years on earth, & we’ve only been apart for 19 years. What is that for you? It aches for me, but you? You’re with Him.

I was speaking to a friend this morning & I mentioned that statement from last night along with, “We will be with so many people we miss…your mom, my grandma, etc. You know what we won’t be doing? We won’t be MISSING people…

Baby girl, I won’t miss missing you.

My heart explodes with that thought. What will it be like, to not have this missing piece in my heart anymore? To be whole, to be with you?

I honestly can’t imagine, but it absolutely brings such joy to my soul…I can’t help but to think how beautiful is the love of Jesus, to give us the gift of not only being in His presence & of being in & with His family, but the Gift of Reunion with each other! He gives us the gift of a completed puzzle, a completely restored wholeness without spot, wrinkle, crack, or break!

He gives us wholeness & He holds us…I’m so grateful.

Hannah-girl, I pass by the place you died every day now & in this season, I feel the ache. I also feel the longing & the hope for that reunion, & I’m encouraged to stay the course. Fall leaves point me towards grace that never ceases to pull the pieces back together until we see each other again & I am thankful for those that laid the foundation of faith I stand on…fall on…desperately cling to…

“I’ll run as fast as I can into Your arms
‘Cause I was created to be where You are”

Happy 19th Birthday, Hannah Elizabeth Gayle Cooley…Your dad, your brother & I love you ferociously. You’re never far from my heart or mind, & I’m so thankful you are part of tapestry God is weaving in my life…

“Where’d You Go?!” AKA, “The Case of the Missing Body”

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I’m going to start this blog out by making a statement I never thought I’d make & am terrified to state publicly: I have lost over 100 pounds.

“Where’d you GO?!?” is the question I am most commonly asked, and I generally respond, “I’m right here.” I’m still me. I’m still a giant jerk…still a giant nerd…still a flawed bonehead that loves Jesus & fails every day. I’m just….lighter.

I’m still a “big girl,” & I’m cool with that (even though I look like Shrek in family photos–why is everyone so SHORT?!?). I’ll never be petite–I’ve got hips that could birth a Hereford–& I’m 5’7.” I have feet like Sasquatch (my sister calls me “Casquatch” & I embrace it), so don’t get it twisted–I’m solidly built. I’m as my college “friend” called me, “healthy.”

Body confidence has NEVER been my forte. I dealt with so much body shaming growing up; when you grow up in the Church & you develop early, you’re punished for it. It’s crap. I was 14 and a DD, & my tiny, little Christian school couldn’t handle it. I got dress coded on a regular basis (like I asked for it?!?); my mom always reminded me to “suck it in,” as I had a belly even before I had my babies. I look back at pictures of myself, & I looked AMAZING at 17, but felt like a total freak show. I was taller, curvier, & louder than everyone I knew, and none of those things fit in well with a culture that wants you to be “meek.”

I felt hideous. I was “too much” for society, for church, & even for my family. I was different–I acted differently, and “different” was “bad,” so I tried to be what people wanted. I tried to dress in a way that covered everything up, but that’s hard to do when you’re top-heavy (& I only got more top-heavy as I went through college, leading to some horrific nicknames that I am still embarrassed by). If I could have taken a knife and cut off various parts of my body to relieve how ugly I felt, I would have. Every family picture showed how I didn’t fit in (several of those pictures are still on the walls in my parents’ house). Every group picture in the church youth group with the tiny, petite blue-eyed girls with straight hair, every picture of my vocal group in college where I’m trying to hide beneath suit jackets & scarves, every picture of me from my wedding where there’s industrial-strength tailoring holding me into my dress–every picture has a flaw I can’t help but to see.

These flaws are compounded by Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common thing for people with ADHD to struggle with.

I didn’t know I had ADHD until a few years ago. I just thought I was a weirdo, an outcast, the one “odd” personality type in a family that all tested one way while I tested another (side note: Personality tests were not designed for the neurodivergent. Throw them in the trash). I don’t fit in now, and I didn’t fit in then. Being told I was “different” added to the RSD. I looked different. I acted different. I was Built Different.

And therefore, I was BAD.

This voice that tells me I’m a “terrible, awful, horrible, wacky weirdo” has whispered in my ear for decades. It’s robbed me of being at peace with this “strange” mind, this “odd” body…it’s taken away the joy of being “fearfully and wonderfully made” that I should have celebrated, that I should BE celebrating. It’s sent me through cycles of self-harm & suicidal ideations that even though I recognize, I still encounter (sometimes through reasons I can’t control, i.e., medication changes–thank you, family & friends, for loving me through these processes!!!!!). Being weird or different, regardless of the fact that society is trying to preach inclusivity, isn’t welcomed, so I should just check out, right?

WRONG.

We just don’t realize how body image issues carry over into mental health…how it’s a spiritual issue that’s complicated by neurological and hormonal issues. Weight is NEVER the true problem. It’s ALWAYS a symptom, yet our healthcare system is only just starting to realize how true that is. Ask a fat person–we’ll tell you….but because we’re fat, we’re intrinsically stupid, right, doctors? And therefore, our opinion is void….and we pile on the mental health issues.

I’m 47 years old. It wasn’t until my ADHD was diagnosed and properly treated that I started looking over life experiences with a fresh filter & learned just how toxic and damaging my body image issues were. Losing weight has further complicated this retrospect, as I can see how many times health care providers dismissed major problems in the light of my weight. I have carried decades of guilt over my weight, like it defined my worth as a Child of God. I have gaslit myself & ignored root issues that played out in binge-eating & self-harm. I have looked at family pictures and privately sobbed (sometimes not privately) at how disgusting I looked & how I brought shame on our family with my size. I have shed oceans of tears over the combined issues that I now know were rooted in anxiety, depression, neurodiversity, rejection sensitive dysphoria, PTSD, and abandonment issues.

Shame is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. When it’s combined with RSD, it’s soul-crushing. When the burden of untreated ADHD finally began to be lifted, the lies of RSD began to untangle, & I began to get clarity on this skin that I am in, on this body (amongst other things). The ability to focus allowed me to silence the inner static that had me snacking constantly. Getting my ADHD treated led to a healthcare provider that got my diabetes under control through a semiglutide (which is also something I never thought I’d say publicly, but whatever, we’re all friends). I overhauled my healthcare team in 2021 & began the process of what would ultimately lead to losing 110 pounds.

But now what happens? I get shamed for using a semiglutide? That’s the only part of the journey people focus on?!?!? The shot gets all of the credit?!?!?!?!? Um, no–you can shove that. Today, I am refusing to take shame or blame for using an injection to first-&-foremost, get my T2D under control. Did it help me lose weight? Absolutely. Was it the only thing? NO. It’s taken multiple medication changes, getting my ADHD treated, therapy, better food choices, family support, and most importantly, remaining focused on listening to the Holy Spirit to carry the shame & to help me identify triggers. When you brain starts to work properly–when the synapses fire & connect– you can hear the truth of God so much more clearly. My ADHD meds have turned down the static in my brain, & have turned up how I tune in to Him!

There’s more of me to give, even as there’s technically less of me. Life is more….LIFE. That’s not saying things are easy; in fact, if you check my last blog, you’ll find our life has become intensely complicated in the last few months, & it’s been ROUGH. I see God working even in the storms…He is still in control.

And by His grace, so am I, at least, when it comes to my mental health support and my weight loss journey.

Physically, “don’t you feel better since you’ve lost the weight?!” is a misnomer. Losing weight can sometimes a.) Remove being fat as the cause of the problem and b.) Exacerbate the problem. As we speak, I’m in the process of ruling out yet-more autoimmune issues related to my legs & feet (did you know there’s a medical level above a neurologist?? Yep–I now see a “neuroscientist,” & it’s a trip). Testing for another issue means I’m off of my primary ADHD medicine for a couple of weeks, & IT’S NOT FUN. I’ve had a frightening decline in my energy levels (aren’t those supposed to be BETTER once you’ve lost weight?!?) that specialists are trying to identify, but that fatigue has been a cyclical issue that’s followed me for a decade. Now we at least know I’m exhausted not because I’m fat, but because I’m…me. That’s fun.

I’d like to throw up a face-palm for every doctor that missed signs of major issues because I was heavier. YOU. ARE. JERKS. 🙂 Jesus still loves you; I think you can go climb a cactus, for real.

Weight loss is hard, even in the face of perceived successes. I have anxiety every single time I clean out my closet (so bad!!!!!) or go into a store. I STRUGGLE with body image issues. The picture I’m posting below is what set off this blog post…I feel like I should LIKE this picture. I’m like, genuinely laughing in this picture, yet all I can see is the fact that because it was taken by someone who is shorter than I am, my neck looks fat. And fat, in my crazy-wired brain, is BAD. Therefore, even though I’ve lost weight, I’m still fat and ugly and this picture is terrible, right?

I sent this picture to someone who has been on a similar weight-loss journey & said, “I want to like this picture but I don’t.” She told me it was gorgeous (and considering she’s stone-cold STUNNING, I should take her word for it, but I don’t). She understands how I still feel like a heifer even after losing the weight; she struggles with the body image issues as well, even though she’s always had the figure I wish I had. The conversations I’ve had with her on our body image issues validates how I’m feeling, and how I know it’s messed up but can’t fix it.

I have to forcefully remind myself that losing weight does not define me. I’m terrified to gain it back, but if I do, gaining weight does not define me. This body is the shell for Who I Am, and although Who I Am is a definite weirdo, Jesus says I’m frickin’ SPECTACULAR. Whatever it takes for me to embrace that I am Who He Says I Am, that’s the journey I am committing to take, here on out.

My son is inspiring me to make this commitment. He’s on the shorter side of the kids in his class, & was recently tapped to play Napoleon in the school play (he didn’t really want a speaking role; he says that’s why he was cast in the role & I’m taking his word for it, even though a lil’ heathen said it was because he was short. I see her…duly noted, child, with a healthy dose of parental side-eye.)

My son’s body image issues started in the first-or-second grade, when the more athletic boys in the class were comparing muscles. What first grader has defined muscles?!?! Um, not mine–sorry, child, it’s not in the genetic cards. Since then, I try to stay aware of realistic comments like, “yeah, Mom, basketball’s not really my thing, hello?!?” verses shaming comments like, “I’m just fat, Mom.”

No, son, you’re not fat. I hate that you know that word and I hate that I’m the reason why. I’m sorry that your genetics predispose you to being on the thicker side but I also know that you’re on the cusp of a growth spurt & that you’ll lean out. I’m sorrier that he’s picked up on my own issues & struggles, and that being ADHD himself, he has some of the same eating habits that I developed to try & quiet my brain. “Bored eating” is a thing, & all of us fight it. I don’t know that the body image issues will resonate as deeply with him as it did with me at that age…but I also don’t think that body image issues are relegated to gender. Body dysmorphia is more impactful amongst the neurodivergent, so I suspect my son & I will be having this conversation a few times in the coming years. I am praying that he will come to me with these discussions to avoid the decades of pain this has caused me…

It’s very, very strange to see someone I haven’t seen in a long time & have them comment on my weight first-thing. Frankly, it’s rude–don’t do that. Don’t ask the people close to me how I’ve lost weight either–I’m an open book & if you were my friend, you’d know to ask me directly. If you don’t know, we’re not friends. We’re social media acquaintances in good standing. I don’t really want to discuss my weight, and part of the reason for this blog post is to hopefully put an end to the questions. I don’t like talking about weight–what woman does?!?–and if you like to talk about weight, good for you. Do it with someone else. It’s not a topic worth discussing.

Now, if you want to talk about Type 2 Diabetes, ADHD, RSD, or about how Jesus has changed my life, I will have these discussions All. Day. Long. The numbers on the scale, though? NO.

I am still the same person I was at +250 pounds. I am not, however, the same person I was 4 years ago…I look back at that person & I see a wholllllle lot of hurt that’s in the process of being identified and healed by a God Who has NEVER looked at me like anything but a beloved child.

I am listening to Him point out the pain in His gentle way, & love me to His wholeness.

This body will die some day. It will be fertilizer in the ground, or ash, or whatever…it isn’t eternal, so why have I put so much worth into to what people think of it? Why have I allowed it to have so much power over me when I look at it in the mirror? I can dress it up, slim it down, work it out–I can do everything within my power to build a body that doesn’t scream, “YUCK” when I look at it, but none of that will ever do anything more than build a shell for a divine creation of the Most High.

I’m worth dying for–He said so, & He lived-&-died for me. He rose again, & He is still working miracles through people today. All of our pain–all of my pain–& all of our struggles are things He is longing to hold in His hands, not to wipe away, but to walk us through. Weight loss is often seen by the world as a kind of salvation; I can tell you first-hand it is NOT. It’s a tool, however, & it can be used to harm or to help. I’m choosing to use it as a tool to point out what areas are still raw & that need to be given over to Jesus…where my insecurities show that I can further lay things down for Him, & where I realize the idols I’ve put in front of Him…I’m choosing to lose the weight but gain dependence on Jesus to a greater extent, to gain transparency with Him & to stop masking to such a degree that I convince myself that I’m fine. I’m not. I need Him, & I need His work in my mind, body, and soul.
He’s doing new things, and for that, more than anything–ADHD treatment, weight loss, etc.–I am so thankful.

Now you know. Let’s put this topic to bed, ‘k? 🙂 Unless you want me to flip it into a full sermon, because…I will. 🙂

Dementia, Legacies, & the Hope that Remains…

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I found this picture in my Facebook memories today, & it resonated with me once again.

You see, in the midst of everything that’s gone on in the past 6-8 months (job changes, job losses, losses of family members, etc.), my husband & I have also been walking through dementia with his mother.

I think the trauma responses have finally quieted enough that the reality of my mother-in-law’s condition is finally hitting me.

I married The Golden Child—I married The Baby of the family, & those who attended my wedding may remember that when my stepdad got to the whole, “if there’s anyone who has anything to say about why these two should not be married,” etc (which I begged him NOT to say, but he said he had to), I physically turned my body & stared down my Mother-In-Law, because if anyone was going to say anything, it was her. 😊Everyone laughed…except us…😊

 I knew what I was doing and where I was marrying into, & I knew I had my work cut out for me…but she also knew I loved her son, & that he loved me. It has to be a hard thing, to marry your son off…Lord knows, someday, the shoe will be on the other foot, & I will have a young bride staring down at me, LOL! Oh, honey, I AM NOT THE ONE!!! 

That being said, my MIL & I had some transitions to walk through. We learned, though—after all, at the bottom of everything, was the fact that we both love David ferociously. I began to learn about being a wife and eventually, a mother; she began to learn that no, I’m not a great cook, but I can bake, I can stain a deck, & I can wheel her through a mall like nobody’s business. 😊

My MIL could try someone, but she could also teach a thing or two. When doctors told her she’d never hold her knitting needles again, she’d crochet blankets for days. She’d make the most creative jewelry, & she’d proudly show me all of her pieces every time we came over. She’d make beautiful beaded ornaments, & she’d share her handicrafts with everyone that visited. She constantly made things & shared them, and talked about how much people liked her colorful designs. I love creative people, & I loved to see what she’d made…I have so many things she’s made, & I’m grateful. I shared things I made with her as well, & I have so many fun memories of family get-togethers with everyone at her house…

As time has gone on, though, dementia pulled my father-in-law away from us & made family events a bit more challenging. My MIL became basically confined to bed, and is now in a nursing home facility where her dementia has taken over…The loss of who I knew Vinita to be, with the behaviors & outbursts she’s been prone to having, have made me advocate for her even more strongly with the hospice and nursing home teams, & she is now, thanks to hospice, getting her medications more consistently. This means she has more stable days, and has less bouts of tears and anxious behavior.

This doesn’t mean her dementia is resolved, though; yesterday, the social worker said she thought she was a child. What is that like, to think you’re a child, but to be in the body of someone in their late 70’s? How confusing that must be…to sit & think about it from her perspective, really hit me emotionally this week.

At some point, my mother-in-law will not know who my husband is.

This realization breaks my heart. I find my faith challenged in this situation—I mean, why? Why does she have to walk this walk? Why wouldn’t Jesus just take her home and give her rest?!? I don’t understand, & I’m trying to take the deepest of breaths to ask Him even though I know He’s under no obligation to divulge his plans.

The social worker said when she came in yesterday, that my MIL thought she was a child, & that she went on-&-on about the goodness of God. “Ms. Vinita had a good day.”

On the bad days, she cries & asks Jesus to heal her body….

On the lucid days, she asks Jesus to take her Home…

The picture that came up in my Facebook memories speaks to how I find encouragement with “Ms. Vinita” even now…on the good days, we remember His goodness. On the bad days, we cry out to Him. Every day, we thank Him and we focus on Him, regardless of how we feel or what our minds tell us…

I know we’re saying goodbye to someone who is still here…I still don’t have that reconciled in my brain. What I have burned into my spirit, though, is that Ms. Vinita’s legacy will always be that no matter what we’re enduring, we take it to the Lord in ways that defy understanding & expectation. I find myself encouraged in my faith even as I’m struggling to make things make sense, by her example. We call on Jesus…in the good, in the bad, and in the in-between.

I hope when my time comes, that even a small part of that is in my legacy to leave.

We love you, Mom Cooley…we’re thankful to Jesus for how He holds you in His hands…

“You Are Loved.”

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I woke up this morning to this note on the bathroom sink:

“Hey, Mom, Jericho here. Just wanted you to know, take care of yourself and that you are loved. Love, Jericho.”

This note has now been permanently scanned into my online drive and tacked to the corkboard in my office where it shall remain in perpetuity.

This note may wind up eventually tattooed somewhere that remains to be seen.

This note both undoes me & revives me simultaneously, in the best & worst ways…

My son was 2 years old when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Thyroid cancer is the “good kind” of cancer, they say–it’s the kind where they remove the issue, supplement you with Thyroid Replacement Hormones, and send you on your merry way. Those that know me well, know this has not been my journey; I’ve had clinically-detectable thyroid cancer for almost 10 years now. “Clinically detectable” means that it’s still there (“residual activity in thyroid bed”), but not in so many levels that they can go in and physically remove it. I liken it to having a time-bomb in your neck, just waiting for it to either die or explode. It can be a mental process, for lack of a better word, to ignore it. On the plus side, thyroid cancer is notoriously slowwwwww, so although my tumor markers have gone up-&-down over the years, I’ve never gone so high that I’ve had to have a second surgery (there are plenty of times where I’ve begged them to just take out the remaining lymph nodes in my neck so that there wouldn’t be anywhere else for those booger cells to hide!!!).

It’s not uncommon for me to say the removal of my thyroid ruined my life. Getting my medicine titrated correctly has been a process, especially with the weight loss; the initial determination to figure out what medicine would work for me, darn near killed me. The thought is to keep my TSH levels so suppressed, that it makes an unfriendly environment for the tumor markers, & they’ll eventually, hopefully, just DIE (can we get on with it already?!?) Issues with diabetes, sleep apnea, & my legs/feet have been ongoing since my thyroid was removed…but the worst thing that’s happened since my thyroidectomy has been, hands down, the FATIGUE.

This is not like, “ohmygosh, I’m TIRED.” This is not like, “I’ve been up all night with a crying baby & now I have to go to work,” tired. This is not even like, “it’s finals’ week & I have 4 papers, 3 tests, and a volcano to make,” tired. This is literally like some evil being sneaks up behind you, cuts off your ankles & throws a lead cloak over you as you fall to the ground, dead in the water, can’t move/think/function, TIRED, & it hits out of nowhere. I usually say, “oh, look, someone’s unplugged me,” & down I go…

I’m truckin’ along yesterday, got home from church, started working on the laundry (I normally do this on Saturday, but we went to an art show on Saturday, so please don’t judge me for doing chores on a Sunday), hung up a few things in the sunroom, & stopped to admire my work….BOOM. I’m on the couch. “Just give me a few minutes.”

My son brought me a blanket & a pillow. David made some dinner. I laid there & took my few minutes. They both know how this goes–they know once it hits, I’m dead weight. I think they hate it as much as I do, because it’s not a good look to see your mom/wife deflate like a sad balloon.

It affects them as well, & I truly hate that.

I hate that I’ve had to cancel plans, or that I have to be so strict about weeknight activities (I can’t really do them, or there’s hell to pay the next day). I don’t like going to bed at 8:00pm. I have to stay disciplined about what I commit to, because there’s just no gas in the tank & I need to stay employed. Now that I’m back in an office full-time, I have to prioritize how much I do in my non-working hours, because otherwise, things get skewed. I have to be selfish with my time & protect it in ways I’ve never really committed to, before.

I now know that when I don’t establish & protect boundaries related to how I spend my time & energy, that fatigue leads to major issues—brain fog, sickness, impulse-control problems. My mental health swiftly declines, & I wind up in crisis mode, along with my family. It’s not just about my health–it’s about theirs, too–which is fuel for the need to protect myself and them. After what I went through last year, I realized that I had my priorities out-of-whack & I am grateful for the learning experience, even though it was painful. I will fiercely protect what I’ve learned, & I am trying to do what I need to so that I don’t have to repeat the process.

My son hasn’t had the experience of knowing me pre-thyroidectomy, & there’s a certain sadness that comes with that. He’s seen the fallout–the mental & physical struggle–& he’s learned compassion. Understanding is hard for him–he’s an only child, & he gets all of the attention & assistance he needs, so he doesn’t have a true understanding of what it’s like to have to figure things out on his own–but he’s learning sympathy (& that note just UNDID me–what a sweet kid he is!!!!!!!!!). My husband has been along for one heck of a ride; half of our marriage has been taken over in many ways by the collateral damage my thyroid cancer has caused. I’m not on this journey alone, & he’s been by my side. Our little household has rallied around me. It’s messier than I’d like for it to be, but it’s so full of love–that note from my son this morning was a huge, gigantic hug that reminded me that even when Monday morning slaps me in the face, I’m coming back home to people that love me, & it makes it all worth it.

I feel like a burden to my household, but I know that’s the enemy talking. God reminds me that I am loved, that I’m His, & that the sun is continuing to rise. He reminds me there is tremendous peace & hope with Him, & that He is using this journey to teach me new ways of relying on Him. He reminds me to hold onto my gratitude, & not to let the enemy twist my focus onto the things that frustrate me–that’s a waste of my energy, & that’s too precious to lose on something like that. Gratitude revives our spirits–it ‘s like in Monsters, Inc., where they find out that laughter is a better fuel than screaming.

We really get much farther in thinking about what we’re grateful for, than in what’s weighing us down.

In my last blog, I mentioned a few things that I’ve struggled with in the last 6 months or so, mostly related to some bitterness associated with a former friend. My therapist this week encouraged me to begin to focus on gratitude, & while I at first felt like I was being shamed for grieving all of the losses & relationship issues, I then realized she was correct: It is time to begin a season of gratitude. I am thankful for a great many things that had to do with that former friend. She led me to a time of employment that made a huge impact on my career & my self-esteem. Without that season, I wouldn’t have developed my personal mission statement. Without that season, I wouldn’t have befriended Jen, Jacque, & Stephen, three people who have changed my life. Without that season, I wouldn’t have been exposed to such a beautiful, diverse culture that I was privileged to be around in that place of employment.

Without that season & without those relationships, I wouldn’t have realized that I am worthy of so much–I am worthy of boundaries. I am worthy of standing up for myself. I am worthy, through Christ, of being fought for. That former friend led me to those three friends, who gave me the gift of solidarity. They teach me every day, along with my other friends, along with my husband and my son, that I Am Not Alone, & that life is GOOD, even when it’s hard.

When I am out of gas, when I can’t lift my head, I have a team of family & friends who point me to gratitude & that takes me to Jesus…and we can make it one more trip around the sun.

We got this.

He’s got me.

And I. Am. Loved.