pregnancy loss

All the Feels Week 3: Sadness

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

Before we tackle Joy’s “opposite” sister, I want to touch on something people forget to mention: Emotions are NOT linear. We live in a Western society that expects a lot of “either/or,” but life is more of a “both/and.” I think Eastern cultures are better at grasping these concepts and anticipating the complicated outcomes & possibilities.

I love the concept that two things can exist simultaneously while not in agreeance–we are not bound to being siloed in how we process, yet we’re thrown when we find ourselves experiencing both. We can laugh in the midst of mourning a loved one when we think about funny memories; we find ourselves scared in the midst of celebrating, etc. Why are we surprised when we find one emotion in the middle of processing another? Science actually says this is a sign our brains are functioning normally! We’re made for this!! We’re complicated beings, created by an infinitely-more complicated Being, and we cannot de-validate our emotions just because we don’t understand their complexities. They happen. Acknowledge them–God understands them so much more than we do.

“We live in a culture that loves dichotomies: happy or sad, broken or whole, mourning or dancing. We like clear lines and easy categories. But real life doesn’t work that way. Real grief doesn’t work that way. It isn’t just sorrow. It’s love. It’s longing. It’s even laughter in the midst of tears. Grief doesn’t erase joy, and joy doesn’t cancel grief. They often walk side by side, coexisting in the same fragile heart……The presence of joy does not diminish grief; rather, it honors it by allowing us to see beyond the loss—to cherish what was, even as we mourn what is no longer.“–https://www.cyndimatos.com/blog/when-grief-and-joy-collide 

I’m going to add another note in here (most of this blog is directly what our small group discussed) to say that most of you, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, know that David & I are well-acquainted with the topic of grief. Grief & sadness are often coupled together but expressed differently. I want to jump in here and say that GRIEF IS VALID. No one wearing the name tag of “Christian” has any right to say your grief isn’t valid. Jesus wept–it’s right there in John 11:35. Grief is an expression of a deep love, separated from your present state. The only reason David & I were able to progress in our journey after our daughter’s death is, and I can’t stress this enough, because we were loved well by a church body that gave us the grace to grieve our loss in transparency, while also comforting us with genuine hope. They never pretended to have the answers to “why;” they never told us to “get over it.” They held us while we wept; they wept with us. They prayed with us, and they witnessed Jesus walk with us through that valley with true kindness. It is because we have been graced with the very best of a loving church body, that we know and believe the church CAN and SHOULD be the safest place for hurting people…

Sadness is a normal human emotion defined as a state of unhappiness, sorrow, or emotional pain usually triggered by loss, disappointment, or difficult life events.

Key Characteristics of Sadness (according to a Google search & a few random resources):

• Universal Emotion: Recognized as one of the basic human emotions across all cultures.

• Physical Signs: Often shown through crying, watery eyes, lowered lip corners, or a quiet and lethargic demeanor.

• Purpose: Signals a natural need for comfort, help, or social support (that’s usually the LAST thing many of us want when we’re in the “mullygrubs,” as we say at home. Leave. Me. Alone…but you’d better hug me! But don’t touch me! ACK!–it reminds me of my very favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon).

• Duration: Temporary and passes with time, unlike clinical depression which is a long-lasting mental disorder (Google)

 Sadness and clinical depression are different, but people often use the terms interchangeably to describe deep emotional pain.

10 common types of sadness and depressive conditions according to Google:

1. Everyday Sadness (Transient Sorrow)

• What it is: A normal, short-term emotional reaction to a difficult day, a disappointment, or hurt feelings.

• Key detail: It passes quickly and does not stop you from doing your daily tasks.

2. Grief and Bereavement

• What it is: Deep sorrow caused by the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life loss.

• Key detail: It comes in waves and mixes with other emotions like anger or fond memories.

3. Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)

• What it is: A serious mental health condition defined by the Cleveland Clinic that causes ongoing sadness and a total loss of interest in life.

• Key detail: Symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.

4. Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia)

• What it is: A long-term, continuous low mood that is less intense than major depression.

• Key detail: It lasts for two years or longer.

5. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

• What it is: A mood disorder that follows a seasonal pattern, usually starting in the late fall or winter when there is less sunlight.

• Key detail: Symptoms include low energy, sleeping too much, and craving carbohydrates.

6. Postpartum Depression

• What it is: Severe sadness and anxiety that happens during pregnancy or after childbirth.

• Key detail: It goes far beyond the normal “baby blues” and can make it hard to bond with the baby (my personal experience with this was life-altering; I’m forever grateful to my mom for noticing & for saving my life!).

7. Bipolar Depression

• What it is: The low-mood phase of bipolar disorder, where a person cycles between extreme highs (mania) and deep lows.

• Key detail: It is treated with mood stabilizers rather than standard antidepressants.

8. Atypical Depression

• What it is: A specific subtype of major depression where your mood can temporarily brighten in response to positive events.

• Key detail: Symptoms include heavy feelings in the arms or legs and sleeping or eating much more than usual.

9. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

• What it is: A severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that causes extreme sadness, irritability, and anxiety in the weeks before a period.

• Key detail: Symptoms stop shortly after menstruation begins (Psychiatrists tried to say this wasn’t real a few years ago. I politely disagree…it’s horrible).

10. Situational Depression (Adjustment Disorder)

• What it is: A short-term depressive reaction to a specific, stressful life event like losing a job or going through a divorce.

• Key detail: It starts shortly after the stressful event and usually improves as you adapt.

Biblical characters who struggled with depression:

Here are 12 Bible figures who struggled with depression, each offering valuable lessons on how to approach emotional distress from a biblical perspective:

1. Job:

Job 3:11-26, where Job curses the day of his birth and wishes he had never been born.

Lesson: Even in deep sorrow, Job remained faithful to God, expressing his pain while continuing to seek God’s answers.

2. King David

Psalm 42:11, where David questions his soul, “Why, my soul, are you downcast?”

Lesson: David expressed his feelings honestly before God, but also reminded himself of God’s faithfulness and hope.

3. Elijah

I Kings 19:4, Elijah prayed that he might die, feeling alone and defeated.

Lesson: God didn’t condemn Elijah for his feelings but ministered to him by sending an angel to provide food, rest, and encouragement.

4. Jeremiah (The Weeping Prophet)

Jeremiah 20:14-18, where he laments his birth and the burden of his prophetic calling.

Lesson: Jeremiah’s transparency in his sorrow teaches us that it’s okay to express our emotions to God, even in moments of deep frustration.

5. Moses

Numbers 11:14-15, where Moses asks God to take his life because the burden of leading the people became too much.

Lesson: God responds to Moses’ cries, reminding him that He is always with him, and provides the support and leadership Moses needs.

6. Hannah

1 Samuel 1:10-15, where Hannah weeps and prays bitterly before the Lord, asking for a son.

Lesson: God hears our prayers, and through perseverance and faith, He answered Hannah’s cry for a child.

7. Asaph

Psalm 73:13-17, where Asaph questions whether following God is in vain.

Lesson: Asaph finds comfort when he remembers God’s faithfulness, learning that God will ultimately judge the wicked and bless the righteous.

8. Peter

Luke 22:61-62, where Peter weeps bitterly after realizing he had denied Jesus.

Lesson: Even in our worst failures, Jesus offers forgiveness and restoration, as seen when He reinstates Peter in John 21:15-19.

9. Paul

2 Corinthians 1:8-9, where Paul describes the despair he felt during a time of hardship.

Lesson: Paul learned to rely on God’s grace, acknowledging that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

10. Ruth

Ruth 1:20-21, where she expresses her bitterness and grief, calling herself “Mara” (bitter).

Lesson: Ruth’s story shows us that even in the midst of sorrow and loss, God is working behind the scenes to bring restoration and hope.

11. Mary (Mother of Jesus)

John 19:25, where Mary stands near the cross, watching her son suffer.

Lesson: Mary’s faith and trust in God remained strong even during the most painful and confusing moments, showing us that faith can endure through suffering.

12. Jonah

Jonah 4:3, where Jonah expresses his desire to die, feeling displeased with God’s mercy toward Nineveh.

Lesson: Jonah’s story teaches us that God’s plans may not always align with our expectations, but His ways are always for our good and His glory.

Conclusion:

These biblical figures faced moments of depression, despair, and emotional struggle, yet their stories remind us that God understands our pain and offers compassion, healing, and hope. Through their examples, we see that it is possible to experience deep sorrow and still remain faithful, turning to God for comfort and guidance. In times of emotional distress, we can draw strength from these biblical figures, knowing that God is with us, even in our darkest moments.

Walter Brueggemann, a theologian, calls lament “the telling of all our secrets to God – the hidden, dark, painful, needy secrets that we prefer not to have or acknowledge.” This goes back to the introduction–the NEED for transparency with our Father. We cannot expect any kind of healing or progress until we’re ready to bare it all before the Lord…we have to trust that He is Who He says He is, and that He. Loves. Us. 

There is joy in the journey of sadness…and sometimes, there is sadness in the journey of joy. Transparency with God, trusting that Jesus is Big Enough to carry our burdens, and allowing ourselves to meet with Him every day in that place of dependence, is what allows us to have the healing and growth He wants us to have as we walk through our valleys….

Note: Sadness and grief are a part of life, as we all know. Depression, however, is a significant state that I don’t want to ignore or gloss over. If you are dealing with prolonged sadness, fatigue, anxiety, heaviness you can’t get relief from, etc., you may be dealing with a chemical or hormonal depression that your medical professional can help you with. There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in being a Christian but struggling with depression or mental health issues!!!!! We live in a broken world and have a constant barrage of chemical, natural, visual, audible, distractions and negativity flying at us nearly 24/7. Our bodies & our brains weren’t designed for the constant processing we have to do, & sometimes, we need medical/pharmaceutical/psychological help to get our minds right, so that we can get into the place where we can spiritually process and prioritize. I personally have benefitted from medical and therapeutic assistance that I am grateful for. Much like you wouldn’t try to preach to a starving man without first giving his physical body food; you can’t try to embrace joy & get healing from grief/sadness/depression without sometimes getting your physical needs met. If you or your loved one needs urgent mental healthcare, please dial 988 or visit https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/caring/index.html for more help.

Wallpaper Christianity…

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

I’ve been so focused on the new job that I’ve felt like my brain has left me zero room to process emotions–does that make sense? I’ve been struggling with feeling like God is near (is He? I mean, of course He is, but He’s hard to hear when the world is so loud & obnoxious), in the middle of trying to get thru the day-to-day…
But He finds ways & places to capture our hearts, sometimes when we least expect it, & emotions, like water, WILL make their way thru.
Sitting at Hannah’s grave hurt today… it hurt in a way that it hasn’t in a long time. 💔 

Maybe it’s the season–after all, her birthday was October 30th, & November 28th is the date of her death. Maybe it’s the fact that this time of the year, I feel pulled in more directions than are humanly possible to reach. Maybe it’s that time is flying by, & I get this “hitch” in the center of my chest every time my son outgrows another piece of clothing…

I sat at her grave, putting up her Christmas tree, & as I was making things “just so,” I felt God say, “Wait. Take a breath–you need to process this.” David & Jericho were in the car–they could wait. I sat there & looked at the beautiful hills…15 years. 15 years of memories, of decorations come and gone…15 years of tears, of occasional stoicism or anger, many years of finding, losing, and re-finding peace in the unknowing….even peace in the non-understanding…and still, 15 years of unanswered questions…

I still find myself asking if it will ever make sense…and I still find myself leaning back on Him, knowing that He is still there to catch me. He is in the unknowing, even when He is all we know.

You know, people have gotten really crazy with what I call “wallpaper Christianity.” I can’t do the whole, “live, laugh, love” thing on my wall…I have a Cricut, & I’m pretty sure David’s biggest concern when he bought it was that I’d plaster the house with all of that, “this is us” crap, LOL, but he needn’t worry…usually….But the other day, I saw a sign on Facebook that I’m going to have to duplicate. It said, “I still remember the days I prayed for what I have, now.”

Oooooh, that got me.

I still remember the letter 14-year old me wrote to her future husband, & all of the prayers poured into this man that steals my heart & my bath towel, or forgets to change the toilet paper roll. I still remember the prayers poured into finding joy again, or into recovery. I remember the prayers poured into learning to trust God all over again, into finding who I was again….and I remember on a daily basis, the prayers poured into the crazy-pants, static, loud, lovable, kind, adorable, occasionally obnoxious, and always-amazing now 8-year old miracle that I get to call, “Son.”

Even on the days where I have utterly failed at wife-ing or parenting, I remember those prayers, & I am endlessly grateful.

I’m thankful for this journey. Above all, I am thankful for a God Who loves & sustains us thru the the business & chaos, & Who lovingly calls us to selah, or “pause” & to listen to His voice….Who created us as emotional beings & Who never tells us to “stifle it” or to “suck it up.” He understands our processes because He created us in His image, & He IS an emotional Being–He loves, He grieves, & He celebrates. He doesn’t expect or want us to pretend; He wants our reality & our actuality.

We may want to focus on “live, laugh, love, ” but He is also in those commas & spaces between,,,in the parts no one wants to paper their walls with. He is calling us to pause in the chaos, and to allow ourselves to feel…to feel all of it, and to share it with Him.

So, I got a little….well, I almost said, “wrecked,” but it was more like an emotional flat tire: easily fixed, but not to be ignored. And that’s okay. There is peace after the processing.

I hope that you get to take the time through the next few weeks to breathe, to feel, and to fall into His arms. He will always be there.

Happy Thanksgiving, and if you don’t hear from me, Merry Christmas, beloveds. May you find your selah in this season.

Thank you, Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

/ Cassidy S. Cooley / Leave a comment

In this season, personally, it’s difficult to read an article like the one Chrissy Teigen just posted: https://www.ksdk.com/article/news/nation-world/chrissy-teigen-pens-statement-on-pregnancy-loss-public-grief/507-03d31b26-dbe8-4e61-9290-916dcef834b1

Let’s be honest: It’s difficult in any season, to read something as open and honest, about such a devastating topic. But to read it as we are once again approaching our annual time of remembering our Hannah-girl, truly hit a nerve. I feel like I’ve been writing about the need to “normalize” the topic of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss for years, and I have–over a decade, which sounds crazy. My little corner of the internet has nary an impact, but many times, I’ve felt like if I don’t write, I may explode, and if I’m not honest in what I put out here, then what’s the point?

Honesty is uncomfortable to read AND to write. Being raw and open, and exposing your highs and lows to complete strangers is dangerous and cathartic and messy and occasionally beautiful, but it is NEVER easy, and those that do it, either already have that understanding, or learn it quickly. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend have been candid about all sorts of topics, and have taken on the Keyboard Commandos with humor and grace. Even when I disagree with them on certain political points, it has never changed the fact that I genuinely LIKE them as they seem online, and that I appreciate their approach to the public….but this goes beyond good recipes and perfectly-lit Instagram photos.

Sharing the rawness of the experience of the loss of a child is monumental. The photos shown from Chrissy’s hospital stay are so striking; she stated yesterday that she specifically asked that they be taken, as she understands firsthand the importance of documenting every moment a mother has with her child…even at the end. Every time I see the photo of her getting her epidural, it breaks me and I remember The Last Photo I have of Hannah–the one that is locked in the safe, and that will never be shared. It is brutal, and I cannot stress that enough. There is more heartache in that 3×5 Polaroid than the world should ever see….

And yet here are two celebrities, taking an opportunity to put a face and a name to not only the disease (placental abruption), but to the fact that, “according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth. Each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.” THIS IS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, and if those numbers do not make you angry at the state of healthcare in this country, then maybe you should check your heart. THESE STATISTICS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE. 1 in 4 women suffer the loss of a child from miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss–that’s 25% of women.

That’s me.

That’s Chrissy Teigen.

That’s countless other women who have spoken to me, sometimes in hushed tones, about the miscarriages or losses they’ve never told anyone about, or that they were afraid to acknowledge, or the shame they’ve felt about their “complicated” or “failed” bodies. That’s countless other women who have had the courage to speak out, or that have taken women like me under their wing to usher them through the grieving process, or that had no one to help them on this journey…25% of women.

I guarantee you know someone who’s had a miscarriage, even if you don’t realize it.

I could go off on a tangent about hormone-altering chemicals or carcinogens or the millions of things we do that impact our bodies and impair healthy pregnancies and childbirth, but it’s not the place (and frankly, if you care, you’ll do the research). I think it’s more important to realize the strength it takes to publicly document and share the most vulnerable parts of your life–the good & the bad–when you have the kind of platform John & Chrissy have, because in their status, they raise awareness (I hope).

When we lost Hannah, I met a woman who later explained to me that when she lost her son years earlier, she entered the hospital to deliver a baby, and she left carrying a bouquet of flowers. There was no counseling; there was nothing to document before a nurse or doctor entered the room that there was no baby (and I know firsthand what it’s like to have a doctor ask, “How’s the baby?” and have to answer that “there is not a baby”). There was no special photographer for goodbye photos (a group started up not long after we lost Hannah, called, “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” that specializes in loss photography, which is incredible). There wasn’t a care group or support system in place for her, like I had to support me (please check out Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss; they’re a tremendous asset for those who have gone through loss). There really weren’t any devotional books that she knew of; I happened to land on one that was very helpful (I wish I could remember how I got a copy of this book, but it was AMAZING for me). There wasn’t anything in place, really, to help a woman or her partner cope with the tremendous hole left by the death of a child. Thanks to advocates, celebrity or not, resources are now in place to help millions of families heal and come to terms with something that is unnatural and foreign to any expectation we have going into pregnancy. Americans are NOT educated about the risks we face in childbirth. We’re duped into thinking everything will be Instagram-perfect, and we’ll all live happily ever after.

For 25% of us, that is simply not the case. We will always be missing our one special piece of our family photo…

My heart hurts for Chrissy & John, and for anyone who has been on this journey…for wherever they are in this process. I’m grateful for their candor, and I understand to a very small extent, how difficult it is. I hope she & John are surrounded by grace and faith as they set out on the course of healing; I hope that they encounter a restoration only Jesus can give.

Chrissy said something toward the end of the posted article, that she feels “bad” for making everyone else feel bad, as she had chronicled the announcement and the first parts of her pregnancy with Jack, with such joy. I’ve learned that we can’t feel bad for sharing joy, even if it doesn’t turn out the way we hoped. Joy is beautiful, even if it’s for a short season, and even if it ends in sadness. Maybe it sounds terrible now, but the sadness will eventually be redeemed to joy, and the contrast therein will be even more stunning…someday. Not now, but someday.

Chrissy, we honor Jack, and we are grateful that you shared your journey with us…We honor Jack, and Hannah, and Bentley, and Annalise, and Saige, and Savannah, and Brydon, and AnnaBella, and Emmaline, and Emma, and so many–so many–little boys & girls who have gone on to Heaven before us. Our hearts embrace you & John, and our prayers and support are with you. Thank you for being a face and a name for the grief and the struggle we have known; may God bless your family, and keep you close to His heart as you go on this journey…